When Fairy Tales Don't Come True - Kappa Delta

task forcetoincreaseawareness andeducation. Shehopes to work as avictimadvocate to helpothersasshe washelped.“Mygoal in lifeistohelpeducate otherwomenabout domestic violence,tohelpprevent it andtohelpwomen understandwhat they candotoget outofanabusiverelationship.Ifthiscould happen to me,itcouldhappentoanyone.”AnotherKD’searly experience withdomesticviolence affected herfuturechoices in relationshipsand hercareer.Debbie nowworks as directorofashelterforwomenwho arehomelessdue todomesticviolence,but during thesummerbeforeherfreshmanyearatIndianaUniversity,the SigmaUpsilonalumnawasavictimofdaterape. Thisoccurredinthelate1960s when rape by aboyfriendor acquaintancewas yettobecalled“daterape” or recognizedbysocietyassomethingawoman wasforcedtodoagainst herwill.For more than twoyears,she continuedthe relationship with herolder,domineering boyfriendbecause sheviewed herselfas“damagedgoods.”Debbie experiencedtwo failedmarriages that includedemotional abusefrom herhusbandsand physical abuseat thehands of herown son. When heturned 21, she filed aprotective orderagainst him that forced him to move outof herhome. Even though Debbie saysshe knew thewarningsigns,“It took theshock of thephysical attack to wake meup,and even then it took afriendtomakeThe Cycle of ViolenceThe more times the cycleis completed, the lesstime it takesto complete.The“Honeymoon”Apologize and make up.Forgive and forget. Thereis remorse, promises andapologies. Things are better forawhile.P H A S E 3Severe ViolenceActual violent episode.Physical, emotional or sexual abuse.Acrime is committed.me realize Ineeded to take action.Isawlots of redflagswithmyson,but Ikepttrying to be agood momand did notwant to be judged for‘abandoning’ him. Itwasunhealthyfor us both,but Icouldn’tbreakout of thehabit.”To stopthe cycleofdomesticviolence,Debbie startedtonurture herself. Decadesafter herrape, she enteredafacility whereP H A S E 2Tensions BuildWhat will trigger ablowup? And when?Theviolence will increasein frequencyand severity.As the cycle is repeated, theviolence usually increasesin frequency andseverity.P H A S E 1she receivedtreatment forpost-traumaticstress disorder.She has also takenher badexperiences andturnedthemintosomethingpositive.Debbiesays,“TherelationshipsIhavebeeninhavedefinitelyhelpedmegrowand shapedmypresent...and helpedmeidentify apassionforhelping otherwomen andbeingavoiceforothers.” Inaddition to herworkatthejust saying ‘no’ andhim notlistening, Ihadbeenraped.” Through KappaDelta,Emily says, “I came out of my shyshellandgainedself-confidence.Ifound theinner strength Ihad lacked.Ifound agroup of girlswho were true friends andwere therefor me when Ineeded them. Ifelt includedand likedand lovedfor whoIwas,not forwhatIcould do forthem.”Christinewas with agirlfriendwatchingthemovie“The PrincessDiaries”whentherealization washedoverher that sheneeded to getout of herabusive relationship.Sobbing,she toldher friend, “I wantmy lifetobeafairy tale, notasoapopera.”Christinelearned more about domesticviolence throughacollegecourse, andvolunteering with adomestic-violenceorganization helpedher work throughherownsituation.She also went on to participatein an educationalprogram shown onNebraska’s Public Broadcasting Service.Christineturnedtoher KD sistersforemotional support; however, she wasdisappointed when she couldnot gethercampus Panhellenic to host aseminar ondomestic violence.“Ithought theGreeksystemdid notcareorwasn’tready tohear thetruth,” she says. “Itbringsgreatjoyand relief to my hearttosee thatKappaDelta,the organization that hashelpedmetorecover anddiscoverwho Ireallycan be,istalking aboutthis.”Christinesaysthe bruiseswentaway,but theemotional scarsstayedfor awhile. “I walked into everyrelationshipwonderingifheisgoing to go ballisticon me.” Learningmore aboutdomesticviolence andtalking with others madeheraware that she wasnot thebad personthat he wanted hertobelieve she was, hisbehavior wasnot normal,and she wasnotalonewiththisproblem.Emily also says that she wasn’t verytrusting of menfor many years,but onceshe confidedinthe manwhomshe eventuallymarried,shefounditwas OK to be“a little vulnerableand to ask forloveandsupport.”Today,she volunteersatashelterforabused womenand is rewarded byseeingothersmakeafresh start.Emily advisescollegians whoare inabusive relationshipstoget out. “Theydeserve so much more,” she says. “Theycanaccomplish anythingtheyput theirminds to,and if they have thesameexperience as Idid in KD,thentheyhavethegroundworktostart anew life. It’s allabout howyou come out of it andwhatyoumakeofit.”THE ANGELOS OF KAPPA DELTA winter 2007 25