When the Devil Drives

Joanna had felt nauseated, close to fainting. She'd dragged herappalled gaze away from Miss Bentham's agonised face, and it wasthen that she saw Cal. Impeccably attired in a dark suit, topped by agrey overcoat, his black armband neatly in place, he'd stood, as ever,a little apart from the other mourners, outwardly a picture ofconvention.But, as their eyes met, Joanna had known that all the ruin and miseryof the past six months had all been for nothing. That, for him,everything had been just the same, as if Martin had never existed, andthat she was in as much danger as ever.So I ran, she thought in self-derision. And I thought that would solveeverything. I thought I'd be able to stay away and be safe. But therewas never any safety, never any real sanctuary from him, and I knewit. That was why I came back, although I invented any number ofother reasons to justify my decision.But I couldn't stay away any more. I had to return— to see him again,to find out. And now I know—I know everything.That was why I couldn't defend myself against Grace Bentham whenshe attacked me. Because I knew there was an element of truth inwhat she said.I did everything I could to try and make Martin happy. I wanted ourmarriage to work, but it didn't, and it couldn't, because I didn't lovehim, and whatever I did feel for him wasn't enough—not in anintimate relationship like marriage.I was just using Martin, and he knew it, and that was why it was allsuch a disaster from the very start. I was trying to build a relationshipout of nothing, making bricks without straw, because I didn't dare toadmit, even to myself, that Cal was always there with me, in my heartand in my mind, even then.