BULLETIN

Page 50 | Bulletin 93 | September 2015
How to be brilliant
I was standing in the queue for coffee during the break at a national CPD meeting
of some repute, when I overheard the following exchange taking place behind me.
Grant Hutchison
Consultant Anaesthetist
Ninewells Hospital,
Dundee
It’s an enviable
achievement to
communicate
one’s own
brilliance while
failing to impart
any information
‘That last speaker was absolutely brilliant,
don’t you think?’
‘Brilliant. Very impressive.’
‘Yes. Yes. Could hardly follow a word of it.’
‘Oh, me neither. Obviously brilliant.’
‘Absolutely. Brilliant.’
It’s of course an enviable achievement to be
able to communicate one’s own brilliance to
an audience while simultaneously failing to
impart any useful information. It is an art
that must be honed over many years, and
I certainly make no pretence to mastery.
However, I have been privileged to observe
true masters of the art in action on many
occasions, and I’ve been able to piece together
the following brief guide to the rudiments of
Uninformative Brilliance.
1. Require no introduction
The session chair should stand, smile, gesture
expansively, and intone, ‘Our next speaker of
course requires no introduction.’ A fawning
bow in the direction of the lectern at this point
will be useful, if it can be arranged.
Those who do know you will immediately
feel privileged to do so, while those who have
never heard of you, and indeed have not even
registered your name on the programme, will
be flustered by their own evident ignorance.
2. Be pressed for time
If possible, arrive late – having your session
rearranged to accommodate your scheduling
conflicts is ideal. Let the session chair know
that you have an international flight to catch
immediately your presentation ends, and be
sure this is transmitted to your audience.
To emphasize this message, bring a piece of
wheeled cabin baggage up to the lectern with
you. (It goes without saying that this should
visibly exceed the acceptable dimensions of
any budget airline.)
3. Have too many slides
State clearly at the outset that you have too
many slides. It is now evident to your audience
that you are a) an old hand who knows how
many slides are too many, b) brimming over
with so much information that you’re not
going to be able to impart it all, c) too busy
to trim your presentations to the arbitrary
lengths imposed by meeting organizers.
Now assure your audience that you will ‘get
the relevant points across’ in the allotted time.
This demonstrates that you are master of your
own material, able to pluck context-appropriate
information out of your slides on the fly.
4. Name-drop incomprehensibly
Be sure to mention a lot of people, to
demonstrate that you are swimming in a big
pond. But use first names wherever possible,
or offer vague academic affiliations. Under
no circumstances should you explain who
‘Sven’ is, or what the ‘Kellogg Group’ might
be. It’s your audience’s own fault if they’re not
moving in the appropriate rarefied academic
circles. When your slides contain supporting
references, these should be clearly presented
only if they refer to your own work. For other
references, be vague. The audience really ought
to have enough of a grasp on the literature to
track down ‘Luis et al. Proc. Noc. Loc. (?1972)’.
5. Have ‘busy’ slides
Never apologize for this. State clearly and
confidently: ‘This is a busy slide, but I’m going
to talk you through the relevant points.’ While
the audience is still attempting to digest the
labels on your eight-by-twelve table, pop
up a red oval highlighting part of one row,
and another red oval highlighting part of
one column. Laugh self-deprecatingly: ‘And
I can tell you when I showed them that in
Singapore, good old Wu had a fist-fight with
‘Bunny’ Lobachev during the break.’ At least
a quarter of your audience will join you in
laughter, despite the fact they have no idea
what you’re talking about. The rest will feel
left out of the joke. All are left uneasy by their
own ignorance. Now move on to the next slide.
Your audience will understand that it can only
be their own fault if they weren’t smart enough