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Brain Go BOOM! Author/Survivor: John Cooper zone. That day I had been doing around seventy mph. One seizure for every tree and I never felt more alive. The old Johnny was coming back! Bad news: seizures aren’t good for the brain, and I knew that. I have a very impulsive brain now. To many people it may appear that I am blatantly disregarding my brain’s own security system, but I’m not. It is just one of the many complications associated with the injury. I wanted that new medication to work at any expense. I was yearning for that old me to reappear; that go-get-em-never-give-up-S.O.B.-anarchistic-Type-A-never-saying-no-to-someonein-need-smiling-Johnny. Yet once again I failed to keep all of my doctors informed of this new medication change. At some point, a finite amount of common sense finally kicked in; that’s when I called my neurologist, not the prescribing physician. He immediately advised me to stop taking the supersonic-Kramer-squirrel medication and increased the dosage of my anti-seizure medication. It was a terrific dream day turned into a horrific nightmare. I thought there was a newfound hope with that medication. The next few days I was completely annihilated. I tried to get back into that new normal mindset by taking several rest periods and trying to listen to my brain, but I was slowly being pulled down by the grotesquely dark, slimy hands of anxiety and depression. The realities of living with a severe brain injury were lurking over my every move. I needed to do a better job of paying attention or I would be back hanging out with Kramer’s look-a-like twin sister, bumming smokes and eating Fruit Loops. So, where is Johnny at? I was doing some serious soul-searching and trying to heal. I needed to identify the more important things in my life; however, identifying and acting on them didn’t (and still don’t) work well for me. They seem to be in two separate filing cabinets. One cabinet is always locked and the files in the other cabinet are not in alphabetical order and are haphazardly scattered about. I identified that the most important things were being a better husband and father while coming to understand that my family was more important than me trying to get the old Johnny back. Instead, there is a new Johnny with a new normal. So, where is Johnny at? He is resting Page 120 of 167
Brain Go BOOM! Author/Survivor: John Cooper and realizing that he will never return to the person that he once was. He needs to rest to figure out who the new Johnny is and this requires a fair amount of help, patience and rest to do so. Below is a poem written by a strong aneurysm survivor, Shannon Fry-Jones. It accurately captures how many brain aneurysm survivors feel about their old and new self. Thank you for allowing me to share your poem, Shannon. I appreciate it. How can I explain to those who could never understand the person that I was, is gone this is who I am. Previously quick to answer any questions one put forth so slow with my answers now I fear I’m losing my self-worth. The core inside of me remains loving, good and kind but the easy-going rest of me has been left behind. The memory of an elephant Used to be inside my mind this new me forgets everything and is always running behind. They say patience is a virtue I used to have this trait. It shines through on occasion but the new me hates to wait. My mind was always clear solving problems without fault the other self took over and my brain seems an empty vault. Anger was slow to rise in the person I used to be Anger boils and rages Inside of this new me. No one can see the confusion Behind the same face that they adore But until there’s wreckage in their brain the only understanding me before. Page 121 of 167
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