Reflections - cover2

Thoughts on being a Lady
Many people think of a lady as being dainty, overly feminine, helpless, dependent, passive, asexual, a cliché. In teaching me to be a lady, my
Mother did not teach me any of those attitudes. In fact, she taught me the total opposite; she taught me to be a whole person. And believe me,
these lessons “took” like a smallpox vaccination. It was not until MAN entered the picture that she got her signals crossed. Nor was this her fault;
she was simply reflecting the beliefs and values of her time. It was as if one set of values had to be super-imposed on the other. I internalized the
things I considered worthwhile and slowly discarded the rest, avoiding her displeasure by keeping my mouth shut (the silent treatment) and
deciding to take my chances with God in the hereafter. After Mother, HE seemed a minor obstacle.
Although she would die before admitting it, my mother is a feminist at heart. Her whole life has been a struggle for independence. What she
taught me before the age of 13 were basic attitudes. These attitudes I incorporated into my concept of being a lady, as I observed the women in my
family. They were strong, intelligent, talented women who could build a fence in the morning and go to the symphony at night, raise five children
alone during the Depression and still find time to read Shakespeare, rip off a Beethoven sonata and face down a rattlesnake with a butcher knife –
all with equal self-confidence. Within the limitations of their time and locale, they considered no task beneath them and no goal above them. They
did what they had to do to survive in a tough land. “Clinging vines” were not admired or encouraged.
Attitudes are not actions; they simply are. In this respect they are passive. But attitudes inform behavior; they underlie all actions, outlining and
defining them almost in their entirety. Grace, warmth, dignity, compassion, composure, tolerance, independence, inner strength, assurance,
passion, humor, intelligence, distinction, personal courage, conviction, discretion, moderation, courtesy—these were the positive attitudes I came
to associate with being a lady. Perhaps we should look for another term, but I have not been able to find any with quite the same quality of
differentiation. Being a lady, in the sense I have discussed, is a standard by which I can measure myself. Sometimes I fail; sometimes I succeed.
But the reward is always in the effort. It has nothing to do with one’s personal beliefs, individual shortcomings, failure, success, or morality. It
simply predicates dealing gently with other human souls and yet demanding equality of worth for oneself, a sense of appropriateness, and a
sensitivity and openness to life and its mystery. Being a lady does not keep you from falling down; it teaches you how to get up.
˜
90