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04-sketches

Gerry Thatcher's party:

Gerry Thatcher's party: . . . . . . . .104 The army: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .106 The dentist: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .108 Mr. Williams and the postman: . . .110 Tourist information: . . . . . . . . . . .112 The bank: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .114 The Superlative vacuum cleaner: . .116 Superman and the psychiatrist: . . .118 The lost property office: . . . . . . . .120 The travel agency: . . . . . . . . . . .122 Gerry Brown's driving test: . . . . . .124 Giovanni 's café: . . . . . . . . . . . . .126 Shakespeare's house: . . . . . . . . .128 Mr. Universe: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .130 The new James Bond film: . . . . . .132 World record: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .134 SKETCHES 75

The ticket inspector Scene : Characters: A compartment on a train A passenger on a train, a ticket inspector,a steward and a waiter The passenger is sitting in a compartment on a train. He is reading a newspaper. The steward opens the door. Steward: Passenger: Waiter: Passenger: Inspector: Passenger: Inspector: Passenger: Inspector: Passenger: Inspector: Passenger: Inspector: Passenger: Inspector: Passenger: Inspector: Passenger: Inspector: Passenger: Inspector: Passenger: Inspector: Passenger: Inspector: Passenger: Inspector: Passenger: Inspector: Passenger: Inspector: Coffee! No. thanks. (The passenger closes the door, and continues reading. The waiter opens the door.) Seats for dinner! No, thanks. (The passenger closes the door again, and continues reading. The ticket inspector opens the door.) Tickets! No, thanks. Pardon? I don't want a ticket, thank you. I'm not selling tickets, sir. No? No, I want to see your ticket. Oh, I haven't got a ticket. You haven't got a ticket? No. I never buy a ticket. Why not? Well, they are very expensive, you know. Sir, you're travelling on a train. When people travel on a train, they always buy a ticket. Er And this is a first-class compartment. Yes, it is very nice, isn't it? No, sir. I mean: This is a firstclass compartment. When people travel in a first-class compartment, they always buy a first-class ticket. (They look at each other for a moment.) No, they don't. What? A lot of people don't buy tickets. The Queen doesn't buy a ticket, does she' Eh? Eh? No, sir, but she's a famous person. And what about you? Where's yours? Mine? Yes, yours. Your ticket. Have you got a ticket? Me, sir? Yes, you. No, I haven't got a ticket. Passenger: Ooh, are you a famous person? Inspector: (Flattered) Famous? Well, not very (Back to normal) Sir, I am a ticket inspector. I inspect tickets. Are you going to show me your ticket? Passenger: No, I haven't got a ticket. Inspector see. (The ticket inspector puts his hand into his pocket.) Passenger: 'What are you going to do? Inspector: I'm going to write your name in my book. Passenger: Oh Inspector: What is your name, sir? Passenger: Mickey Mouse, (The inspector begins to write.) Inspector: Mickey Passenger: Mouse. M-O-U-S-E. (The inspector stops writing.) Inspector: Your name, sir? Passenger: Karl Marx? William Shakespeare? Charles Dickens? Inspector: I see, sir. Well, if you're not going to tell me your name, please leave the train, Passenger: Pardon? Inspector: Leave the train. Passenger: I can't. Inspector: You can't what? Passenger: I can't leave the train. Inspector: Why not? Passenger: It's moving, Inspector: Not now, sir. At the next station. Passenger: Oh. Inspector: It's in the book, sir. When you travel by train, you buy a ticket, and if you don't buy a ticket, you Passenger-Inspector: leave the train. Inspector: Here we are, sir. We're coming to a station. Please leave the train now. Passenger: Now? Inspector: Yes, sir. I'm sorry, but Passenger: Oh, that's OK. Inspector: it's in the book, and what did you say? Passenger: I said: That's OK.' Inspector: OK? Passenger: Yes, this is my station. Goodbye. (The passenger leaves the train.) • 76 SKETCHES

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