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Michael: Well, Albert has been standing on<br />
one leg in his bucket of hot soup<br />
for seven hours and one minute, so<br />
he's only got two more minutes to<br />
go! Poor Mabel's got a long way to<br />
go...And here is another young<br />
man - and he hasn't got any<br />
trousers on.<br />
(The audience laughs.)<br />
Michael: Now, sir, what are you doing?<br />
Man: I'm looking for my trousers.<br />
Michael: I can see that. And how long have<br />
you been looking for your<br />
trousers?<br />
Man: I've been looking for my trousers<br />
for five minutes.<br />
Michael: And what's the world record?<br />
Man: Pardon?<br />
Michael: What's the world record for looking<br />
for trousers?<br />
Man: I'm not trying to break a world<br />
record. I took my trousers off to<br />
have a bath, and when I got out of<br />
the bath, my trousers were gone.<br />
Michael: I see. Get out of the way! We're on<br />
television! The audience laughs.<br />
Michael: Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen.<br />
Now back to Albert<br />
Hargreaves. Albert, you've been<br />
standing in that bucket of hot soup<br />
for seven hours and two minutes.<br />
Only one more minute to go, and<br />
you will break the world record.<br />
And here comes Mrs. Hargreaves<br />
with more hot soup!<br />
Daisy: Here you are, Albert.<br />
(She pours some more soup into<br />
the bucket.)<br />
Albert: Aaaargh!<br />
Michael: Tell me. Albert, how does it feel?<br />
Albert: Hot!<br />
(The audience laughs.)<br />
Michael: No, no, no! How does it feel to be<br />
approaching the world record?<br />
Albert: Well, Michael, I've been dreaming<br />
about this moment, I've been<br />
thinking about nothing else<br />
Michael: Yes, Albert.<br />
Albert: I've been practicing every day<br />
Michael: Yes, Albert.<br />
Albert: Twice on Sundays!<br />
Michael: Yes - and here comes Mrs.<br />
Hargreaves<br />
Albert: Oh no, not again!<br />
Michael: It's all right, Albert, she's only<br />
looking at her watch!<br />
(The audience laughs.)<br />
Daisy: Albert! Albert! Only ten seconds to<br />
go! Ten, nine, eight, seven (Mabel<br />
pushes Albert.)<br />
Mabel: (Ironically) Congratulations,<br />
Albert!<br />
Albert: Aaaargh!<br />
Albert falls over.<br />
Michael: Well, ladies and gentlemen, Albert<br />
Hargreaves hasn't broken a world<br />
record, but he has broken...his<br />
leg!'<br />
•<br />
SKETCHES<br />
135
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