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Tourist information<br />
Scene: A tourist information office at an<br />
international airport in England<br />
Characters: Rita, the tourist information officer,<br />
an Australian tourist<br />
Rita is behind her desk, on which<br />
there is a sign saying 'Rita's Tourist<br />
Information Office'. The tourist<br />
arrives.<br />
Tourist: G'day<br />
Rita: Pardon?<br />
Tourist: G'day!<br />
Rita: Sorry, sir, I only speak English.<br />
Tourist: I am speaking English. 'Good day.''<br />
It's Australian. It's Australian for<br />
'Hello'.<br />
Rita: Is it?<br />
Tourist: Yes.<br />
Rita: Oh, I see. 'G'day'<br />
Tourist: (Holding out his hand) Wallaby.<br />
Rita: Pardon?<br />
Tourist: Wallaby.<br />
Rita: Ah! (Shaking his hand) 'Wallaby'<br />
Tourist: No, no, no. Wallaby is my name.<br />
Rita: Oh, I see. Pleased to meet you, Mr.<br />
Wallaby.<br />
Tourist: I've come from Sydney.<br />
Rita: Sydney?<br />
Tourist: Yes,<br />
Rita: Sydney who?<br />
Tourist: What?<br />
Rita: Sydney Watt? Who's Sydney Watt?<br />
Tourist: No, no - Sydney is in Australia.<br />
Rita: Sydney's in Australia.<br />
Tourist: Yes.<br />
Rita: Oh, I see. So he couldn't come to<br />
England.<br />
Tourist: What?<br />
Rita: You've come, but Sydney hasn't<br />
Tourist: No, no, no, no! Sydney is the place<br />
where I live.<br />
Rita: Oh, I see.<br />
Tourist: At last!<br />
Rita: Sydney is the name of your house.<br />
Tourist: (Giving up) Yes, all right.<br />
Rita: So which town do you come from?<br />
Tourist: Sydney!!<br />
Rita: So Sydney is the name of your<br />
house and the name of your town!<br />
What a coincidence! So how can I<br />
help you?<br />
Tourist: I'd like some information.<br />
Rita: Some information?<br />
Tourist: Yes, some tourist information.<br />
Rita: OK, sir. Welcome to Rita's Tourist<br />
Information Office. I can answer all<br />
your questions.<br />
Tourist: Good.<br />
Rita: But it will cost you five pounds.<br />
Tourist: Pardon me?<br />
(Rita toots a horn and reveals a<br />
sign saying '£5')<br />
Rita: Five pounds. Ask me anything you<br />
like, the questions are five pounds<br />
each.<br />
Tourist: Five pounds each?<br />
Rita: Was that a question?<br />
Tourist: Yes.<br />
(Rita toots the horn again and<br />
changes the sign to '£10'.)<br />
Rita: That's ten pounds.<br />
Tourist: Just a minute! Do I have to pay you<br />
five pounds for every question?<br />
(Rita toots the horn again and<br />
changes the sign to '£15'.)<br />
Rita: Pardon?<br />
Tourist: I said: Do I have to pay you five<br />
pounds for every question?<br />
(Rita toots the horn again and<br />
changes the sign to '£20'.)<br />
Rita: Yes, sir.<br />
Tourist: But is this normal?<br />
(Rita toots the horn again and<br />
changes the sign to '£25'.)<br />
Rita: Oh yes, sir. It's quite normal.<br />
Tourist: Is it?<br />
(Rita toots the horn again and<br />
changes the sign to '£30'.)<br />
112 SKETCHES