Open Air Business June/July 2018

Ask Periwinkle
Tongue in cheek advice from our resident rural entrepreneur
Dear Periwinkle, my husband and
Q I have been running our wedding
venue for 18 months now and I think it
is time we took on some staff – any tips?
Lorraine, Flintshire
I don’t envy you your position. I am
A a strong believer in ‘if you want a
job done properly…’ and all that, but
with your wedding business firing on all
cylinders you’ll need to step away from
the day to day activities to enjoy your
earnings, and being smug on social media
can be quite time consuming too.
If you don’t want to erode the profits
too much, go for the 16 year old school
leaver/A-level student. Cheap as chips and
handy for vague drinks pouring and half
arsed cleaning. They are monosyllabic but
often pretty.
At the other end of the work ethic scale
you have the over ambitious ‘sweety
darlings’ so attracted to this line of work.
Their OTT ‘service with a smile’ manner
and hysterical attention to detail can work
in your favour, but may be a bit off putting
if you’re allergic to spreadsheets and like
to ease into the day rather than boinging
into the office at 7.30am. They do require
paying but if you’re lucky, you'll find one
that can be remunerated mainly in over
enthusiastic praise.
Dear Periwinkle, I am very excited,
Q my Dad has just given me ten acres
to set up a glampsite. It’s super cool
with a valley, stream, flower meadow
and views of the coast. How should I
approach the site layout?
Daniel, South Devon
Dear Daniel, you are a lucky boy, but
A your father clearly has more money
than sense. A parcel of land that size on
the English Riviera should be disposed of
with more care in my opinion.
You should start with what I call a
‘helicopter view’ - I don’t mean in the
corporate speak sense of the word (fly
high above the issues and see how the
whole picture forms) but literally how it’s
going to look from a helicopter. This is
very important nowadays, especially if you
want to capture the end of the market that
delivers the highest returns – the affluent
millennial, which Forbes describes as
“redefining the luxury industry.” They want
experiences, but also convenience, and
aesthetics are important.
So, think about laying out your
pods, huts or tents in the shape of an
apple – it will have the connotations of
a wholesome, natural snack, but also
resonate on a more subliminal level
- Apple being the number one brand
for millennials according to ad agency
research. And as all of your young guests
are likely to have iPhone Xs (as, I suspect,
do you Daniel if your family is loaded
enough to entrust such prime acreage to
your inexperienced hands) they’ll feel right
at home.
Oh, and make sure you figure out where
you’re sighting the helipad. If you have a
precision mower and some skills, a sharp
edged ‘H’ etched out of the wild flower
meadow could be nice.
Dear Periwinkle, could I ask for
Q some advice on alternative event
toilets? I was thinking of composting
systems – do they work for public
events?
Linda, Hampshire
As much as I like to be considered an
A expert in alfresco affairs, the fact that
bogs sit within this territory has always
made me uncomfortable. Luckily for you,
I do have a smattering of experience and
my overwhelming advice here would be to
‘go pro’.
In my opinion, if you are going off-grid
with your sanitation, you’d better have a
truck load of chemicals on hand. If you are
adamant you want to employ technology
from the dark ages to handle your festival
slurry then a professional toilet alchemist
must be employed. Someone with the
knowledge, product and, let’s face it, gall
that allows them to somehow turn human
waste into something fit to feed your
vegetables. How do they do it? I have no
idea but they do and apparently with little
fuss – there is clearly some dark art at play
here.
Anyhoo, what you must not do is
attempt a longdrop all by yourself. An
ex business partner of mine attempted
exactly this – dug a hole, installed a
bottomless trailer over the top with bench
seats and employed a team of school
leavers to shovel straw atop the turds.
All was going swimmingly until a deluge
disturbed the water table to the extent
that a long vacated badger conurbation
channelled the shite to the swimming
ponds down the hill. The Littledale Wild
Swimming Championship 2017 was an
event that will go down in history – 80% of
competitors left with dysentery.
PERIWINKLE& CO.
MAKING MONEY FROM PEOPLE
OUTDOORS SINCE 2016
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