Bulletin Spring 2018

HOW CAN I BE MORE
ASSERTIVE?
EVE PARSONS, MSWA COUNSELLOR
Assertiveness can help us in many areas of our lives. To
be assertive means that we feel confident in personal
interactions, whether responding to demands, asking for what
we want, dealing with criticism, or setting our boundaries.
Lots of people find that they can be assertive in one context,
eg. at work, but find it much harder with family members or
friends or doctors, or vice versa. They need ways to transfer
these skills!
Sometimes people believe that to be assertive means being
aggressive, but this is a misunderstanding. Aggression is a
sure-fire way to alienate people and create a bad reputation
for yourself, even if you ultimately get the outcome you
were seeking. Bullies are aggressive; whereas courteous,
empathic, clear and firm people are assertive.
Why might we be nervous about dealing with others
assertively? Some of our fears can be:
- Fear of being seen as uncaring
- Fear of being called a bully
- Fear of anger or retaliation by the other person
- Fear of being labelled and opportunities blocked eg
promotion at work
- Fear of coming across as selfish, all about you
Interestingly, due to these fears, many of us adopt a passive
or manipulative approach to getting what we want, or to
avoiding what we don’t want. You know the kind of friend who
says vaguely that she’ll get back to you about an arrangement,
then doesn’t? Or perhaps a family member who persuades
you to do something for him by mentioning a favour he did
for you? Being on the other side of these behaviours is just as
unpleasant as being bullied, and most of us would rather be
given a straight answer, or to give a straight answer, such as
‘No, I can’t help you with that.’
Assertiveness can help us in situations with friends, family,
carers, colleagues, health professionals, sports and fitness
buddies, fellow volunteers, retail workers, and members of
our faith community. For example, if you feel you are being
taken advantage of, or treated badly by someone, an easy
formula to remember is:
‘When you do …..X….. I feel …..Y…… so instead I’d prefer…
…Z…..’
Nobody can argue with how you feel even if they didn’t intend
to make you feel that way! You’re the expert on how you feel.
Here’s an example:
“When you ask me to help with chores at 6 pm, I feel guilty
that my fatigue stops me from helping. So instead, please
would you ask me to help in the morning when I have more
energy?”
Another one might be:
“When you say you’re broke and ask if I can lend you $100, I
feel pressured to help you out even though I don’t have enough
money either. So please don’t ask me again.”
Of course, when we firm up our boundaries and state clearly
what we want, the other person might resist hearing us, and
here’s where the broken record technique comes in (for those
of you who remember needles getting stuck on turntables)!
Here, we empathise with the other person’s feelings and
wishes, without getting sucked into fulfilling their request. We
maintain our polite but firm position and repeat if necessary.
It goes something like this:
“Yes, I know you’re down to your last $10, but I’m still not able
to lend you anything.”
“I realise that you are struggling, but I’m sorry (only if you are
sorry – this bit is not compulsory) I can’t help you out.”
“I can hear how stressed out you are, and I know it’s hard, and
I still can’t spare any cash for you.”
Play your broken record until the message gets through!
16 | MSWA BULLETIN SPRING 2018