Siouxland Magazine - Volume 2 Issue 2

Siouxland Magazine | Question / 12
Conflict Getting The Best Of You? Manage Your Reactions
By Colleen Freeman
After my first two years
of college, I met a man
about five years older
than me. The worries of my
day just grew exponentially
because this person is arguing
with me about something I feel
justified in commenting. Just
as I am getting to the point of
throwing my computer out the
window, another person enters
the comment and shares their
two cents. Maybe this new person agrees with me or
maybe they don’t…either way I am ready to battle over
my beliefs in the Thunderdome that is social media!
Needless to say, I am thoroughly entrenched in the
argument and just want people to agree with me.
Does this scenario feel familiar to you? Do you find
yourself in conflict online or in person when it comes
to politics, religion, racism, sexism, ageism, or any of
the other topics that confront us daily? We currently
live in a culture where if you are not 100% in support of
something you must be 100% against it. For those of us
who live in the middle or have a logical argument for or
against something, we can find our day totally controlled
by conflict and anger. Everything today feels tense and a
wrong word can send us suddenly into a heated debate.
Misunderstanding and judgment rule the day and we are
just trying to navigate this world of bias and “fake news.”
As a counselor, I used to lead Anger Management
classes for people who were recovering from addictions
and other issues that led to conflicts in their lives. There
are many things we can glean from the information I
used to share with them about anger and what it does
to us. 1. Anger and happiness cannot reside in the same
space. They are incompatible and anger impedes our
happiness. 2. Anger leads to increased stress which can
cause everything from health issues to poor relationships
with the people closest to us. 3. Anger leads to more
mistakes because we struggle to process information
correctly.
Let’s be honest, sometimes anger is completely justified,
and it is okay to let anger motivate us towards action
and change. Before you immediately justify all of your
anger and all of your responses to other people, let’s ask
ourselves some questions and talk about tips that can
help us control our responses:
• Will the object of my anger matter ten years from now?
This question gives us some perspective on whether
we really need to respond to this issue now or not.
• What are the consequences of my anger? If you are in
an online debate you may feel like this doesn’t affect
your life much but remember that anger puts stress on
your body which can take its toll. If you are having
conflict with a friend or family member, you must
consider if it is worth damaging the relationship.
• If you are mad at a person for doing something that you
think was “foolish,” stop and consider the fact that you
have done foolish things too. Road rage is perhaps one
of the best examples of individuals doing something
that make you angry that may have been a mistake.
Admit that you may have done something similar behind
the wheel too.
• Ask yourself if the person you disagree with has done
something to hurt you on purpose? Typically, people just
do something careless or in a rush not intending to harm
anyone.
• Take a breath and relax. The old adage of count to ten
is a bit ridiculous, in my opinion, because I often catch
myself getting angrier. I found that if I step away from
what is upsetting me and reconfigure my thinking it is not
worth the fight in the long run.
• If something is worth your anger, then find a way to
calmly express your anger. When you are thinking clearly
you can express what is upsetting you in a clear and
direct way. This is the concept of thinking before
you speak.
• If you are going to bring up problems to people
you should have solutions ready too. You may end up
compromising on your ideas with the other person but
having solutions means you are ready to work through
the issues. Bringing problems with no solution is often
just complaining or whining.
• Do NOT hold a grudge. Forgiveness is one of the most
powerful tools to ridding yourself of negative feelings
and creating positive feelings. Unforgiveness is like
drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.
• Adjust your expectations. 100% of the people cannot
please you 100% of the time and vice versa. Realize that
people are fallible and liable to be upsetting. You cannot
control them, but you can control your responses to
them.
• Recognize your stress. External and internal stressors
can be impacting your ability to deal effectively with the
world around you. Once you recognize your stress find
healthy ways to cope with your stress…use humor,
practice relaxation techniques, go exercise, go take a