Siouxland Magazine - Volume 2 Issue 2
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eathe<br />
clarity<br />
nutrition<br />
flexibility<br />
Intimacy as an adjective is described as a warm friendship<br />
developing through long association, of a very personal or<br />
private nature, marked by very close association, contact,<br />
or familiarity, INTRINSIC, ESSENTIAL, belonging to or<br />
characterizing one’s deepest nature. As a verb, it is defined<br />
as to communicate delicately and indirectly and to make<br />
known especially publicly or formally.<br />
What I find interesting about these definitions, specifically<br />
as it relates to the above question are the indications that<br />
to have trust means we must be able to rely on something<br />
or someone and to have hope in the future; and in being<br />
intimate, that we are communicating from our deepest<br />
nature. Trust is an essential aspect of intimacy. The work<br />
I practice most with clients involves getting to know<br />
ourselves so honestly, meaning being willing to see all that<br />
we are, especially where our own wounding and defense<br />
mechanisms have developed; so that we may move into<br />
an intimate relationship with ourselves. To be able to relate<br />
to ourselves in the deepest way possible. Only in this ability<br />
to relate to ourselves with great understanding allows us to<br />
trust ourselves to operate from a place of consciousness<br />
in our relationships with others and the world around us.<br />
Put simply, when we are awake to our own baggage, we<br />
can unpack it consciously with ourselves and our partners<br />
in real time in a way that is productive and life giving in the<br />
relationship as opposed to ineffective ways that only keep<br />
us trapped in cycles of resentment, disgust and separation<br />
from the ones who we probably love most - our partners<br />
and our selves.<br />
Likely, as it sounds, you as well as many of us in our<br />
relationships come to this awareness because we find<br />
ourselves stuck in this place of extreme resistance in our<br />
partnerships at home. Often times, one partner realizes<br />
that the partnership has entered into an insane cycle of<br />
expectation and disappointment leading to a dangerous<br />
spiral of contempt and stonewalling, leaving each partner<br />
feeling dissatisfied and unloved. This definitely does not<br />
describe a safe environment that involves trust and allows<br />
for intimacy. Yet, these two things are the foundation on<br />
which you must rebuild this home within the relationship<br />
between the two of you.<br />
What this requires may make you cringe, at first. But if<br />
you truly would like to explore the possibilities in the<br />
relationship, I invite you to SURRENDER and to move<br />
towards your partner first. This does not mean you do not<br />
have needs or boundaries. It means that you are willing to<br />
assert those feelings through the expression of conscious,<br />
healthy love.<br />
One person, often the one who awakens to the insanity and<br />
is suffering enough to be motivated to change it, will need to<br />
allow their heart to open when they have closed it because<br />
of many missed expectations and sore disappointments<br />
from their partner. My question to you is, are you willing to<br />
risk being disappointed again? If so, I invite you to begin<br />
practicing moving through love in your relationship. This<br />
requires the ability to forgive and to accept your partner for<br />
who he or she is or is not. This includes, grieving that the<br />
relationship isn’t all that you expected it to be. This then will<br />
require you to explore the relationship you have with your<br />
own heart. To become intimate with where your wounds are<br />
at the helm versus you deepest self - Allowing fear to drive<br />
over love. In order to soften, we need to create a SAFE place<br />
emotionally in our relationship. Through vulnerability, we can<br />
begin to re-establish a secure emotional attachment with our<br />
partner and healthy communication and boundary setting<br />
can begin.<br />
I believe one of the most challenging aspects of relationships<br />
is when we have been hurt over and over again, when<br />
promises have been broken or trust has been betrayed. But<br />
two people can learn to trust each other again. Consider<br />
that your partner is not the only one responsible for creating<br />
an atmosphere of safety and security in the relationship.<br />
Here are some questions you can ask yourself to begin the<br />
process of overcoming mistrust:<br />
What is the story I am telling myself?
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