IPM May 20

CUTITOUT!
Lock Down Good Habits
Schoolwork is a kid issue, but how does that look during
lockdown?
We care about our kids and want to support them, but
this is an opportunity to stand back lovingly. While you may
not have the square footage to pull back too far, you can practice
interior withdrawal. This is the art of minding your own
business.
In the past, a lack of time with children has been a significant
concern and for a good reason. Our kids need our focused time
and attention. Children develop self-esteem from the loving
gaze of their parents. The message that they matter and that
they are accepted and appreciated mirrors their self-worth.
Too much closeness happens when we mistakenly believe
that we have to take over our child’s responsibility. When we
do that, we create resistance in them. They argue with us instead
of face the task. So how do we find balance?
Announce your desire to support without nagging. Get curious
about your children’s goals and what matters to them right
now. Ask them, don’t tell them. If you have been taking over
your child’s responsibilities, they might think that this is a trick.
And actually, if you want your child to give the answer that
you want to hear, it is a trick. This is where interior withdrawal
comes in.
Let go of your agenda. Show a little faith. And if your child
doesn’t meet his goals, instead of taking the task over and reprimanding,
get curious again. What got in the way? How do
you feel about this? What would be doable? What could work?
What else? When kids can come up with their own plans, ideas
and strategies, they are accountable to themselves. When we set
up their agenda for them they are only doing as they are told.
If you think that your child will just want to goof off, there
could be some truth to that. You might see this at first, especially
if they are sure you will swoop in and take over. Keep some
structure but give some space and be patient.
• Coach your child to come up with a plan by asking questions
rather than telling.
• Suggest short term so they don’t get overwhelmed.
• Use short “what” questions to pull out ideas.
• Write down your child’s ideas and post them. This allows
your child to face his or her own authority.
• If they don’t meet their plans, get curious and—instead of
taking over—remain supportive.
Dr. Allison Rees has two LIFE Seminars books available: Sidestepping
the Power Struggle and The Parent Child Connection. See lifeseminars.com.
34 Island Parent @Home IslandParent.ca