V18 N29

The Old Fogey
Ah, those good old Cape May days... by Jackson D’Catur
IT FEELS
LIKE FALL
AT TOMMY’S FOLLY
BOUTIQUE
If you see gaggles of confused but curious
Shoebies wandering around our fair
city, worry not! They are not the usual
post-season strays, awaiting tranquilizer
darts and nets, and a return to Philly in
crates. No, these are Special Shoebies (though I
know, I know, ALL Shoebies are special in their
own way, bless their hearts). These are Home
Grown Organic Cage-Free Shoebies!
What is this marvel, you ask? Problem is,
during the season we have an excess of visitors,
and then the blighters vanish! We are forced to
close our businesses, shut down our saltwater
taffy mine and return our legions of beautiful,
sullen Eastern European youths to the cryogenic
storage facility under Congress Hall.
We have over the years tried all kinds of
clever marketing devices: our “Come and See
Cape May in Fall: It’s Cold, But Not Often
Fatally So!” poster campaign was a flop. And
our incentive to pirates, to shanghai affluent
tourists from ferries and cruise ships that
strayed too close to the shore, and gently release
them in Cape May, was not the success that it
should have been: typically, they would fill up
on pancakes and then bolt for freedom, pausing
only for candy every few yards. Obviously,
chasing them down with dogs was fun, but
hardly conducive for good Yelper reviews.
So, one late night at Iron Pier, we hit on
a plan. “Why don’t you?” slurred Bill Gates,
who vacations here with the strange Zuckerbeg
fellow, and some surly lads who seem to be
from Giggle. “Why don’t we make our own
Shoebies?!”
Well, how we laughed! And how we
thrashed Bill with our canes! Afterwards,
though, I thought: “the chap has a point…”
And so, over the past few seasons we have
been surreptitiously taking DNA samples
from the crème de la crème of our visitors: a
smudged wine glass here, a swift stab from my
walking cane there, a nip from Young Albert
… though that latter carries the real risk of the
target catching some awful canine maladies.
The laboratory under the D’Catur Mansion
has been busy and having lots of fun.
And now we have our first batch of genuine,
cloned Shoebies! We made a few genetic
tweaks here and there, of course, to curtail
some of the more annoying traits: they are
less likely to stop abruptly on the sidewalk
every few paces and yell, “Say! How CUTE is
that?!?!”, for example.
We, of course, cloned the originals’ credit
cards, cut new car keys, and photocopied their
dollar bills, which I am sure will not pose any
problems further down the line.
New looks in from Joules USA, Oliphant,
White + Warren & more
Open Daily
Visit us on the Washington Sreet Mall
at the corner of Carpenters Lane & Perry Street
TommysFollyCapeMay.com | 609.554.3957
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