Focus on the Family Magazine - June/July 2021

COUPLES / COMMUNICATION
COMMUNICATION / COUPLES
7 ways to
bad habit
Boot these bad
habits for better
communication
BY JILL SAVAGE
THE GAMES WERE STILL SIT-
TING THERE. As I was cleaning up
after a family gathering, I had put a couple
of board games on the bottom step of the
staircase. I assumed my husband would
put them away on one of his many trips
upstairs.
Except he didn’t. I almost made a snide
comment that he was blind and I was the
only one who ever saw things on the stairs.
Except I didn’t. Instead, as he was once
again heading upstairs, I said, “Honey,
would you please grab those games and
put them away?”
“Yep,” he responded. Then he tucked the
games under his arm.
It hasn’t always been that way—starting
to say something one way and then catching
myself and replacing those words with
something better. In marriage, our thinking,
our assumptions and how we talk to
our spouses can make a little misunderstanding
a big problem.
Mark and I have tried to stop the unhealthy
communication patterns that hurt
our relationship and have replaced them
with relational patterns that strengthen
our marriage. You can, too. Here are seven
areas that we can work on improving daily:
bad habit
a hint or complaint
WHEN we give our spouse hints about tasks we
want them to do, it’s as though we’re scared to
ask for what we want. When we complain, it’s a
negative way to convey what we desire. Hinting
and complaining are not forms of healthy communication.
They require the other person to be
a mind reader.
Healthier habit: I caught myself before I
started hinting or complaining about the games
on the stairs and chose healthier communication.
I voiced what I needed. Clearly. Kindly. And
without attitude.
bad habit
false meaning
TOO OFTEN spouses assign meaning—the
wrong meaning—to a
partner’s actions. In my old way of
thinking, I would have concluded
that Mark was intentionally ignoring
the games on the stairs and therefore
ignoring my needs. The truth was that
he had other thoughts on his mind
and didn’t even see the games. Once
I asked him to take them upstairs, he
was happy to do so.
Mark used to wrongly assign meaning
to my emotional steadiness
because I rarely cry or have emotional
ups and downs. He told himself that
I was strong and independent and I
didn’t need him. That wasn’t true, but
his perception didn’t change until we
were able to explore those thoughts in
marriage counseling.
Healthier habit: Believe the best
about your spouse. I now give Mark the
benefit of the doubt and don’t interpret
his action as a slight against me.
I’ve learned that his behavior is rarely a
reaction to what I think is obvious (like
games sitting on the bottom step).
my way
AS HUMANS, we naturally think our way is the right
way, so we tend to impose it on others. We want
our spouses to think and do things the way we do.
However, they see the world through a different lens,
and make decisions and conclusions differently.
This is why God says, “The two shall become one
flesh” (Matthew 19:5). He knows that two perspectives
from two different ways of thinking bring more
balance. He knows we’re better when we respect
each other and work together.
Healthier habit: I’ve had to stop thinking of my
husband’s way of doing things as “wrong” and consider
it an alternate way of doing things. I’ve also
had to resist the urge to make my way the only way.
I started this transition with how we load the dishwasher.
Sure, maybe I fit in three more dishes if it’s
loaded my way, but efficiency isn’t worth the strain
on my marriage.
bad habit
sarcasm
THE GOAL of sarcasm is to offer a put-down in
a socially acceptable way so we don’t have to be
truthful about what we’re thinking or feeling. It’s a
way to communicate indirectly rather than directly,
to protect ourselves from the pain that comes with
vulnerability.
Healthier habit: I now try to communicate my
thoughts, hurts or pain kindly and directly to Mark
and allow myself to be vulnerable. >>>
18
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
June / July 2021
June / July 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 19