Mark Manson - The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F__k (2016, HarperOne) - libgen.li

I know: that makes me sound like such a downer. Seriously, what kind of
guy shits on romantic love? But hear me out.
The truth is, there are healthy forms of love and unhealthy forms of love.
Unhealthy love is based on two people trying to escape their problems
through their emotions for each other—in other words, they’re using each
other as an escape. Healthy love is based on two people acknowledging and
addressing their own problems with each other’s support.
The difference between a healthy and an unhealthy relationship comes
down to two things: 1) how well each person in the relationship accepts
responsibility, and 2) the willingness of each person to both reject and be
rejected by their partner.
Anywhere there is an unhealthy or toxic relationship, there will be a poor
and porous sense of responsibility on both sides, and there will be an
inability to give and/or receive rejection. Wherever there is a healthy and
loving relationship, there will be clear boundaries between the two people
and their values, and there will be an open avenue of giving and receiving
rejection when necessary.
By “boundaries” I mean the delineation between two people’s
responsibilities for their own problems. People in a healthy relationship with
strong boundaries will take responsibility for their own values and problems
and not take responsibility for their partner’s values and problems. People in
a toxic relationship with poor or no boundaries will regularly avoid
responsibility for their own problems and/or take responsibility for their
partner’s problems.
What do poor boundaries look like? Here are some examples:
“You can’t go out with your friends without me. You know how jealous I
get. You have to stay home with me.”
“My coworkers are idiots; they always make me late to meetings
because I have to tell them how to do their jobs.”
“I can’t believe you made me feel so stupid in front of my own sister.
Never disagree with me in front of her again!”
“I’d love to take that job in Milwaukee, but my mother would never
forgive me for moving so far away.”
“I can date you, but can you not tell my friend Cindy? She gets really
insecure when I have a boyfriend and she doesn’t.”