Mark Manson - The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F__k (2016, HarperOne) - libgen.li

more uncomfortable the answer, the more likely it is to be true.
Take a moment and think of something that’s really bugging you. Now ask
yourself why it bugs you. Chances are the answer will involve a failure of
some sort. Then take that failure and ask why it seems “true” to you. What if
that failure wasn’t really a failure? What if you’ve been looking at it the
wrong way?
A recent example from my own life:
“It bugs me that my brother doesn’t return my texts or emails.”
Why?
“Because it feels like he doesn’t give a shit about me.”
Why does this seem true?
“Because if he wanted to have a relationship with me, he would take ten
seconds out of his day to interact with me.”
Why does his lack of relationship with you feel like a failure?
“Because we’re brothers; we’re supposed to have a good relationship!”
Two things are operating here: a value that I hold dear, and a metric that I
use to assess progress toward that value. My value: brothers are supposed to
have a good relationship with one another. My metric: being in contact by
phone or email—this is how I measure my success as a brother. By holding
on to this metric, I make myself feel like a failure, which occasionally ruins
my Saturday mornings.
We could dig even deeper, by repeating the process:
Why are brothers supposed to have a good relationship?
“Because they’re family, and family are supposed to be close!”
Why does that seem true?
“Because your family is supposed to matter to you more than anyone
else!”
Why does that seem true?
“Because being close with your family is ‘normal’ and ‘healthy,’ and I
don’t have that.”
In this exchange I’m clear about my underlying value—having a good
relationship with my brother—but I’m still struggling with my metric. I’ve