Find Freedom From What Does Not Serve You AT FORTY FIVE Magazine Issue 2101 06

AT FORTY FIVE MAGAZINE /07
would make the changes they needed to make
to become healthy. I would give advice when it
wasn’t welcome or I would invest much time
and energy in trying to make others see the
truth. I wanted them to “get it” so badly it
consumed me. My love for them was fierce and
I would stop at nothing.
responsible for keeping them healthy and safe.
At the same time, I felt out of control because I
couldn’t control everything they put in their
mouths and their resistance to eating my way
was strong. They ate mostly healthfully, but my
fear-filled mind had me convinced it wasn’t
healthy enough.
I cared so much that if they didn’t change, I felt
responsible. Then I cared so much that I
became attached to whether they changed or
not. I cared so much that I became attached to
them taking the information and doing
something with it. Then I cared so much that I
became anxious and I worried about others
constantly. I cared so much that I alienated
some people in my life because I just wanted so
badly for them to be healthy, happy, and live a
long life.
When they didn’t “get it” or I wasn’t able to help
them, I was devastated and carried them with
me as one of my failures. After all, I had failed to
help them. I had failed to help them see, to
change their mind. Then I started to realize that
caring too much was a heavy burden full of
disappointment and suffering.
Shortly after I healed from cancer, I became
obsessively worried about my family’s health. I
was eating mostly organic super clean food
with no sugar, no wheat, no gluten, and no
dairy; I was green juicing every day. After
receiving a diagnosis of a genetic liver disorder,
I was more aware of what I put in my mouth
and how it would affect my health.
My worry started to grow exponentially when I
would compare how I was eating to how my
husband and kids were eating. They had
already said my diet was too extreme for them,
but my fear kept growing and I felt heavy and
One morning in meditation I started to feel a
huge layer of fear rising up around the health of
my husband. He was stressed at work, he had
gained some weight, and I kept being pointed
to his heart. I felt this huge mountain of
responsibility for keeping him healthy. I had a
painful vision of him dying, and of me standing
over his grave with a “guilty” sign strung
around my neck. Tears streamed down my
cheeks as though a faucet were pouring
uncontrollably. I felt responsible for his health
and I believed that if he died it would be all my
fault. I would be responsible for his death
because I hadn’t been able to convince him to
change his ways. The burden was unbearable
and it cracked my heart open.
I felt out of control because I couldn’t control
everything they put in their mouths and their
resistance to eating my way was strong.
My ego-mind had convinced me I was
responsible for the health of my family because
I bought the groceries. So if something would
have happened to them, it would have been all
my fault. Later that night, I shared my vision
with my husband and told him the burden I
was carrying. I explained how if he died it would
be all my fault. His words were such a gift as
they landed in a way that shifted everything for
me. He said, “You are not responsible for me or
anyone else’s health. My health choices are my
health choices, not yours.”