VL-Issue 44- July 22

felt since a child. I told the doctor of the
short reprieve when I became a mom to
ers and washed them down with rubbing
violent mood swings, recurring thoughts
two amazing little boys, but the cycle of
alcohol. But just like on that playground,
of suicide, how fear ruled my life, and our
hopelessness soon returned. I grew tired
my suicide attempt was unsuccessful. I
family’s history of mental disease. Before
of trying to feel normal and be happy.
was admitted to a psychiatric facility until
I left that office, I was diagnosed with bi-
I called crisis hotlines, cycled in and out
I was stable.
polar disorder.
of psychiatric hospitals, and experimented
Released from the hospital, I found my-
Relief washed over me. I had always
with multiple psych medications. But noth-
self homeless. I felt a weird camaraderie
known something was “wrong” with me.
ing gave me lasting emotional and mental
with all the other lost and broken people I
Now I had the answer to all my problems. I
stability. Years of inner turmoil took their
encountered on the street. I deluded myself
eagerly accepted my diagnosis, along with
toll and began to manifest through my
into thinking that I could help them.
numerous psych meds. There was hope
body: I experienced chronic debilitating
It wasn’t long before I entered the world
for me after all.
pain. Old sports injuries were also now
of hardcore drugs. Once I got a taste of
I took my meds consistently and soon
requiring surgeries.
that life, I turned completely away from
felt more stable. I returned to my comfort
I began using painkillers. At first, my
PHOTO BY NICHOLAS CORREA
zones of performance and achievement,
sure that my meds had fixed me for good.
Three years later, I remarried. It didn’t take
long for that marriage to unravel too.
I hadn’t felt loved as a child, so I didn’t
know how to love others or myself, nor did
I know how to receive love as an adult. A
rejected, isolated little girl lived inside me,
and until she was tended to, nothing would
ever be right in my life. I had no idea how to
help her, though, so I continued doing the
use was legitimate, and I took them only
as I needed them. But then I discovered
that opioids numbed my emotional pain. I
finally felt normal and could deal with life
circumstances. And I liked it. Not only that,
the constant emotional stress and all the
voices in my head were gone.
Pain pills were controlling my inner
monster. And although I knew I was developing
an unhealthy dependence, I denied
and ignored the problem.
As far as I knew, I
mattered to no one, and I
was ready for life to end.
my family, church, and community, and
didn’t look back. I became an overachiever
in addiction and crime. That worked…
until it didn’t.
I was numb and ignorant of the damage I
My descent into addiction hell escalated
was doing to myself and the people I loved.
God blessed Sheridan
with a godly life partner
in her husband, Nick.
after a traumatic motorcycle accident left
me unable to walk for months. My injuries
required major surgeries, and I experi-
My children were becoming memories that
only haunted me.
I soon became a “frequent flyer” at the
enced much pain. My addiction to opioids
Maricopa County Jail in Phoenix, Arizona.
increased.
At first, it was for minor things like shop-
The next three years required the con-
lifting and outstanding warrants, but then
stant assistance of pills for me to tackle
came more severe crimes like criminal
even the most mundane task. I began
damage, domestic violence, and drug pos-
drinking daily as well, sometimes until I
session and sale charges.
blacked out. Alcohol, drugs, and my sense
After each arrest, I was confined to the
of unworthiness were a deadly mixture. My
psych ward. Emerging from my drug coma
mind became the darkest, scariest place I
and facing the reality of my life was always
had ever known, and my memory was my
more than I could bear. Knowing who and
worst enemy.
what I had become was terrifying.
In the middle of this downward spiral,
Finally, stripped of everything, I hit rock
my husband filed for divorce and received
bottom. Desperate to end the insanity and
temporary sole custody of our boys. I felt
despite being in solitary confinement, I
more rejected and abandoned than ever,
found a way to inflict serious harm. The
and I became bitter and resentful.
guards, however, discovered my bloody
With my identity as wife and mother
self and placed me on suicide watch. Still,
stripped away, I felt I’d died, along with
under their watchful eyes, I tried to end my
everybody I loved. If I wasn’t a mother and
life again, but to no avail.
only things I knew to do—perform, excel,
a wife, who was I? What reason did I have
I didn’t understand it then, but I now
achieve, and hide my brokenness.
to live anymore?
know God’s mercy was at work, and He
For the next decade, I battled anxiety
Overwhelmed by those thoughts, I
was about to reveal Himself to me in the
and severe depression. I experienced a
grabbed a month’s supply of muscle relax-
most beautiful way.
VICTORIOUSLIVINGMAGAZINE.COM
Issue 03 / 2022
19