It Starts with Us by Colleen Hoover

how I’ve conditioned myself to feel when I’m around Ryle. Maybe it’s a
combination of that and my lack of sleep. Maybe it’s the date with Atlas that
I almost ruined. Whatever it is that’s making me react so intensely catches up
with me right outside of Allysa’s apartment door.
I need a moment to collect my emotions before being near my daughter, so
I sit on the floor of the hallway to cry it out. I like to shed tears in private.
Happens quite regularly, unfortunately, but I’ve been finding myself getting
overwhelmed a lot. Divorce is overwhelming; being a single mother is
overwhelming; running a business is overwhelming; dealing with an exhusband
who still scares you is overwhelming.
And then there’s that splinter of fear that creeps into my conscience when
Ryle says something to suggest our divorce was a mistake. Because
sometimes I do wonder if my life wouldn’t be so overwhelming if I still had a
husband who shared some of the burdens of raising his child. And sometimes
I wonder if I’m overreacting by not allowing my daughter to have overnights
with her own father. Relationships and custody agreements don’t come with a
blueprint, unfortunately.
I don’t know if every move I make is the right one, but I’m doing my best.
I don’t need his manipulation and gaslighting on top of that.
I wish I were at home; I would walk straight to my jewelry box and pull
out the list of reminders. I should take a picture of it so I always have it on
my phone in the future. I definitely underestimate how difficult and
confusing interactions with Ryle can be.
How do people leave these cycles when they don’t have the resources I
had or the support from their friends and family? How do they possibly stay
strong enough every second of the day? I feel like all it takes is one weak,
insecure moment in the presence of your ex to convince yourself you made
the wrong decision.
Anyone who has ever left a manipulative, abusive spouse and somehow
stayed that course deserves a medal. A statue. A freaking superhero movie.
Society has obviously been worshipping the wrong heroes this whole time
because I’m convinced it takes less strength to pick up a building than it does
to permanently leave an abusive situation.
I’m still crying a few minutes later when I hear Allysa’s door open. I look
up to find Marshall exiting the apartment carrying two bags of trash. He
pauses when he sees me sitting on the floor.