Preneur World March 2023

expert
advice
How To Protect
Your Boundaries
Before You Burnout
JESS BAKER
As a Chartered Psychologist and
Associate Fellow of the British
Psychological Society, Jess
Baker is passionate about helping
people to be their best version of
themselves. She specializes in
working with women, helping
them to overcome self-doubt
and achieve their ideal selves.
With over ten years of consulting
experience, they have designed
and delivered programs for a
wide range of organizations
across both the private and public
sectors.
Jess Baker and Rod Vincent are
Chartered Psychologists and
the authors of The Super-Helper
Syndrome: A Survival Guide
for Compassionate People (Flint
Books, available in hardback
£18.99 and ebook)
www.jessbaker.co.uk/shsbookclub
You must
acknowledge that
you have a duty to
care for yourself. If
you don’t, who will?
Are you the one everyone else
turns to when they need help:
the competent, dependable fixer
of other people’s problems? Do
you help others in all aspects of
your life – playing counsellor
to your friends, mentor to your
colleagues, mediating family
arguments, rescuing neighbours
in distress? Perhaps you are one
of the million ‘sandwich carers’
in the UK, looking after ageing
parents as well as raising a
family?
If this is you, then you’re one
of the people serving up a lot of
compassion and everyone else
is enjoying the meal. But if you
struggle to give yourself the same
level of compassion that you give
to others, it can be a sign that you
are experiencing Super-Helper
Syndrome: a compulsion to help,
even to the detriment of your own
wellbeing. Another sign is feeling
exhausted as a result of all the
helping you are doing. Or perhaps
secretly resenting how little
you get in return. If you behave
as if you want nothing back,
you’re likely to get nothing back:
your relationships can become
imbalanced.
So what are the solutions to
all this? One thing you can do
is to learn to reinforce your
boundaries.
THE 3 FOR 1 RULE
If someone repeatedly comes
to you for help, but gives you
little in return, try the 3 for 1
rule. After you’ve helped them
three times but they haven’t
helped you, stop offering help
until things are rebalanced. You
don’t need to tell them about this
and risk falling out over it. You
could just wait, while you remind
yourself that friendships require
balance – mutual give and take.
YOUR BOUNDARIES ALARM
One way to protect conscious
boundaries is to tell people about
them. But often you haven’t
deliberately thought them
through. Imagine waiting for
a train when a stranger stands
too close to you on the platform.
Unconscious boundaries are the
sort that only trip and set off
alarms when they are breached.
You experience a sense of
unease, vulnerability, wrongness.
You don’t like someone else’s
behaviour towards you. Learn to
tune into your boundaries alarm
system. Learn to trust it and
respond to it. Step away from that
stranger.
WAYS TO PUSH BACK
You don’t have to feel guilty
when you say no, but for some of
us that’s not easy. Here are some
other ways to push back:
Redirect the request: “Maybe
Pippa could store it for you; she
has a cellar.”
Delay your response: “I’ll have to
check my diary, then get back to
you.”
Buy time: “I can’t do that this
week, but if you still need me,
ask me next Sunday.”
Negotiate: “I can’t write out all
the invitations, but I could stuff
the envelopes.”
If you’re really going to protect
your boundaries, you must
acknowledge that you have a duty
to care for yourself too. If you
don’t do this, who will?
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