Preneur World March 2023

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expert advice How To Protect Your Boundaries Before You Burnout JESS BAKER As a Chartered Psychologist and Associate Fellow of the British Psychological Society, Jess Baker is passionate about helping people to be their best version of themselves. She specializes in working with women, helping them to overcome self-doubt and achieve their ideal selves. With over ten years of consulting experience, they have designed and delivered programs for a wide range of organizations across both the private and public sectors. Jess Baker and Rod Vincent are Chartered Psychologists and the authors of The Super-Helper Syndrome: A Survival Guide for Compassionate People (Flint Books, available in hardback £18.99 and ebook) www.jessbaker.co.uk/shsbookclub You must acknowledge that you have a duty to care for yourself. If you don’t, who will? Are you the one everyone else turns to when they need help: the competent, dependable fixer of other people’s problems? Do you help others in all aspects of your life – playing counsellor to your friends, mentor to your colleagues, mediating family arguments, rescuing neighbours in distress? Perhaps you are one of the million ‘sandwich carers’ in the UK, looking after ageing parents as well as raising a family? If this is you, then you’re one of the people serving up a lot of compassion and everyone else is enjoying the meal. But if you struggle to give yourself the same level of compassion that you give to others, it can be a sign that you are experiencing Super-Helper Syndrome: a compulsion to help, even to the detriment of your own wellbeing. Another sign is feeling exhausted as a result of all the helping you are doing. Or perhaps secretly resenting how little you get in return. If you behave as if you want nothing back, you’re likely to get nothing back: your relationships can become imbalanced. So what are the solutions to all this? One thing you can do is to learn to reinforce your boundaries. THE 3 FOR 1 RULE If someone repeatedly comes to you for help, but gives you little in return, try the 3 for 1 rule. After you’ve helped them three times but they haven’t helped you, stop offering help until things are rebalanced. You don’t need to tell them about this and risk falling out over it. You could just wait, while you remind yourself that friendships require balance – mutual give and take. YOUR BOUNDARIES ALARM One way to protect conscious boundaries is to tell people about them. But often you haven’t deliberately thought them through. Imagine waiting for a train when a stranger stands too close to you on the platform. Unconscious boundaries are the sort that only trip and set off alarms when they are breached. You experience a sense of unease, vulnerability, wrongness. You don’t like someone else’s behaviour towards you. Learn to tune into your boundaries alarm system. Learn to trust it and respond to it. Step away from that stranger. WAYS TO PUSH BACK You don’t have to feel guilty when you say no, but for some of us that’s not easy. Here are some other ways to push back: Redirect the request: “Maybe Pippa could store it for you; she has a cellar.” Delay your response: “I’ll have to check my diary, then get back to you.” Buy time: “I can’t do that this week, but if you still need me, ask me next Sunday.” Negotiate: “I can’t write out all the invitations, but I could stuff the envelopes.” If you’re really going to protect your boundaries, you must acknowledge that you have a duty to care for yourself too. If you don’t do this, who will? 8 PRENEUR WORLD www.preneur-world.com
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Preneur World March 2023

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