Focus on the Family Magazine - October/November 2023

KIDS & TEENS / RELATIONSHIP
Don’t take it personally
While I was visiting with one of my friends, my daughter
grew moody and talked back to me. Instead of being gracious
toward her, I let my annoyance guide me. I was so focused on
her behavior that I lost sight of parenting her heart.
Later, I talked with her about the incident. That’s how I discovered
that stress about her driver’s test was at the root of her
disrespect. Our exchange helped me remember how I felt as
a teen.
To prevent taking things personally, I’ve tried to set aside
my feelings and remain calm. That helps me better understand
and address the underlying reasons for my teens’
actions. By doing this, I’ve found that I shepherd my teens
best when I extend them the grace and understanding Jesus
shows me.
Pursue your teen
One night while I was working late, my oldest son came
into the room and rubbed my shoulders. He had just
returned from a friend’s house, and I was preoccupied
with a deadline. I almost missed the opportunity to connect
with him. Thankfully, I caught myself in time, and we
had a good conversation.
As parents, we can become so preoccupied with our
to-do lists that we miss out on opportunities to shepherd
our teens and build better relationships with them. Deep
down, teens want us to pursue them. These moments can
be inconvenient. But when we’re intentional about spending
time with our teens and genuinely care about their
interests, our relationships grow deeper and richer.
Set minimum boundaries
When my daughter earned enough money to buy a cellphone,
I wasn’t thrilled. It would be easier to reach
her during her extracurricular activities, but I also knew
the risks that would come with the device. My husband
suggested that instead of saying no, we teach her how to navigate
this responsibility. So I approved the purchase, and we
made sure she understood that, at a minimum, we would
set parental controls and have ongoing conversations about
what was and was not appropriate.
The boundaries my husband and I set for our children are
intended for their safety, spiritual growth and the building
of relationships. If these boundaries and our family values
aren’t compromised, other boundaries can bend.
Another boundary took place when my daughter wanted
to be involved in a dating relationship. Although I allowed
her to hang out with the young man in groups and at our
house, they weren’t allowed to go anywhere alone. My
daughter protested but eventually saw the wisdom of this.
Build up your teen
When my daughter came home from her after-school job,
she told my husband and me that her supervisor told her
that she was awesome. She said, “I almost started crying
because I can’t remember the last time someone told
me that.”
I felt a sting of regret because I realized that there were
many times I would zero in on what she was doing wrong
instead of praising her exceptional attributes. After that
conversation, I began affirming my teens more. Now I
bite my tongue when I’m tempted to speak critical words.
Instead, I try to choose words that will impart grace and
show my teens how amazing they are to me. I’ve found
that encouraging my teens and building them up helps
them overcome life’s obstacles and grow into the men and
women God created them to be.
Evie Palmer is a full-time home-school mom of 10 children, including
four teens. Although she isn’t a perfect parent, Evie relies on Jesus for
wisdom and guidance as she shepherds her growing flock.
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FOCUS ON THE FAMILY CANADA
OCT / NOV 2023