OCTOBER 2023

GUEST COLUMN
Dating While Chaldean
BY BESHAR SHUKRI
The topic of dating is
highly debated and
ever changing; this
comes as no surprise because
it is a universal experience.
Most of us have dated, will
date, or are currently dating.
However, this idea of dating
is rather new to the Chaldean
community, when compared
to the “courting” our parents
experienced.
An outdated and antiquated
practice was once the
common way of winning the approval
of your desired mate. However, “dating”
in its current definition is getting
to know someone without making
commitments. This viewpoint and
technology have led us to the hook-up
culture we see in the West. What was
once deemed uncouth has now become
the norm.
As Chaldeans began to immigrate
to America, we were an insulated community;
it took time for the culture
to seep into our lives. Nevertheless,
within a few generations we have seen
the same issues that plague other communities,
such as divorce, infidelity,
and miscegenation (a fancy word for
marrying outside of your ethnicity).
Miscegenation is not as negative as
the other examples I used; however,
every example was, and still in some
way is, a foreign idea to the Chaldean
community.
It is expected that we stay faithful,
never divorce, and marry a fellow
Chaldean—even better, someone from
the same village as our ancestors. To
demonstrate how quickly our ways
have changed, just two to three generations
ago, our grandparents or greatgrandparents
had arranged marriages.
In our parents’ generation, that
quickly changed to recommendations
and approval from the family. Now,
mine and younger generations have
the choice to marry whom we please,
though it is more advantageous if our
family approves. I believe it is more
challenging to find a suitable partner
precisely because we have more freedom
to choose. As the saying goes,
BESHAR
SHUKRI
SPECIAL
TO THE
CHALDEAN
NEWS
“Freedom comes at a price.”
In my experience of dating,
I had many misconceptions
about our community.
For Chaldean men, I thought
you were meant to have your
fun dating but then marry a
Chaldean girl. For Chaldean
women, I thought they were
to remain pure and find a
successful Chaldean man to
wed. I did not think that I
would find a Chaldean woman
who was interested unless
I was well-off and could provide a certain
lifestyle.
Considering how much money we
spend on weddings, I figured I wasn’t
too far off. I looked elsewhere for some
time then started to engage with our
community more. I realized I was projecting
my concerns onto the entire
community instead of seeing individual
Chaldeans.
Recently, on the recommendation
of my coworkers, I decided to try
Chaldean speed dating. It seemed odd
and very new culturally, but I asked
myself, “What’s the worst that could
happen?” Much to my surprise, it went
well.
The interactions were fun and
lively and I was floored how many of
my preconceived notions were shattered.
I saw a different side of my community
that I thought never existed,
one where income was not the focus.
Though I am still single, I have new
hope that courting, and the old ways
of our culture will not be relegated by
expectations and the pressures of our
families. I rather hope that it will be
the wisdom we carry and the love we
have for one another that will bring us
successful marriages.
To summarize which way is best,
I leave that to you—the reader—to decide.
Whether it is to return to the villages
to find a wife like our ancestors
did, or work within the Western dating
construct and find a wife among the
masses. Either way, “The man who
finds a wife finds a treasure and he receives
favor from the LORD.” (Proverbs
18:22).
10 CHALDEAN NEWS OCTOBER 2023