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The Straight Dope: When Chefs Face Off
about “free sushi,” but still, females who needed to be
impressed nonetheless.
Have you ever seen two chefs trying to out-chef each
other? It really is a sight to behold. And if you find
yourself in a room with several, nay, a flock of chef,
you may wish to invest in some sort of testosterone
repellant in order to maintain a safe distance when
those egos spark. And I’m including female chefs in
that sweeping politically incorrect and, let’s face it,
possibly offensive statement.
The process of out-cheffing a fellow chef begins with
polite introductions. Following this, each chef is permitted
a short period of time in which he/she must summarise
their cheffing career so far in a blasé and modest
playing-it-down type manner whilst simultaneously
dropping as many famous names, restaurants, types of
cuisine studied, celebrities served and Michelin star restaurants
worked/eaten in without seeming conceited.
At this point, the onlooker can easily determine if either
chef has worked on yachts. Because they’ll tell you.
They’ll tell you all.
Once this preliminary step is complete, the out-cheffing
process moves on to Phase 2. This is a good time for
observers to pop to the bar/home/bank to get a drink/
feed the dog/deposit a check, as it can be rather boring.
Phase 2 is the out-syconphanting stage. This is when
each chef compliments and praises the other chef on all
the above, also using it as an opportunity to drop more
names in a bid to score bonus points and either maintain
or achieve the leadership position.
Then on to Phase 3: the out-ideaing. This is definitely
worth watching. I’d recommend you stock up on drinks
during out-sycophanting and grab some peanuts or alternatively
salty and well-fingered bar snack. Phase 3 involves
each participant attempting to explain their most creative
recipes, and whilst doing so, demonstrating that they are
by far superior to anything the other chef has to offer.
This is when things can get slightly out of hand. Egos can
clash, sparks could fly and the knives may come out. Not
literally, obviously, because inter-chef violence would not
be something that I or this publication condones. But
you get the idea. Anyway, it’s often advisable to retreat
to a safe distance at this point; a good guestimate is to
place yourself the approximate distance one of the chefs
could potentially throw the other.
86 YACHT ESSENTIALS
At this point, the out-cheffing will go one of two ways.
Possibility one: They will embrace, discovering they’ve
found their kindred spirit, and in of all the places a slightly
dodgy backstreet bar serving curled up sushi and soggy
samosas. Exchanging of phone numbers, email addresses,
websites, blog sites, Facebooks, Twitters, Flickr
photos and mother’s maiden names will shortly follow,
and the chefs will depart amidst promises of calling/mailing/IMing/texting/carrier
pigeoning each other to meet
up during their unemployed days and continue their
freshly conceived plans to set up a restaurant of such
grandeur never before seen. Which, of course, will never
come into existence because one or both will inevitably
find paid employment and drop the idea like a hot potato.
Game over.
The second possible turnout is considerably more
entertaining. Feathers ruffled, the chefs become
angry. Chests puff up, faces redden, brows perspire
and extra flesh jiggles. What follows ain’t pretty. It’s
diva behavior. Maximised. Any of the following could
now happen:
• Yelling • Dramatic gasp
• Foot stamping • Dramatic storm out
• Fist slamming • Vol-au-vent/cocktail throwing
• Hair pulling • Other chef throwing
• Tears
At this point, the game is anyone’s and both chefs are
precariously exposed. It’s the duty of any nearby chef
groupies to now intervene and declare the out-cheffing
a draw, praising both competitors equally. And to get
the drinks in — a tequila with orange and cinnamon
(not salt and lemon, because that’s just common) is a
good shot to take the edge off as it provokes stimulating
conversation on how to make a good thing (i.e.
tequila slammers) even better.
Chefs can be as fragile as they are volatile, however, and
I have yet to discover all facets of the complex and diverse
personality of the yacht chef. That analysis, dear
readers, I will leave until next time. Brace yourselves for
more…and happy eating.
Anita Valium used to be a relatively nice person before
she was corrupted by the yachting industry. By day, she’s
a mild mannered crew agent. By night, she continues her
evil plot for world domination.