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CHELMSFORD, CM2 6XD.
shaun@theedgemag.co.uk
Galactic Slag
Alreet Captain,
Enjoyed the mag this month (July).
I noticed your bit about how you
hate the winter months and thought
you might like to know that (even
though they don’t seem it) Winter
and Autumn are shorter than
Spring and Summer (at 89 days to
92 days respectively).
This is due to the Earth’s elliptical
orbit around the Sun, meaning at
some points it is closer to the Sun
than at others, so it moves round it
quicker. What is also interesting is
that during the Winter months, the
Earth is actually at perihelion,
which means that’s when it’s closest
to the Sun. You’d think it would
be warmer then, wouldn’t you?
I think it just goes to show that the
very universe itself is out to ensure
that thee and me are as miserable
as it can possibly make us, the
huge galactic slag.
Kingpin.
A ‘perihelion’ sounds like something
you’d find in a Safari Park,
old lad. E.E.
Internet Rubbish
Dear Edge Editor,
I really cannot believe you fell for
that internet rubbish about five
Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays
happening in July only once every
823 years. That story first did the
rounds at the start of the year, but
referred then to January.
In (almost) your lifetime, you will
find the July five weekend days in
the years 1960, 1966, 1977, 1983,
1988, 1994, 2005 and 2011. The
next times are 2016 and 2022.
From this you can work out that
they fall in a sequence of 6, 11, 6
and 5 years in every 28 years. If
you doubt me, check out an old
diary with dates for 2005!
I think you must have had the Beer
Festival on your mind when you
printed that story.
Cheers,
Gifford Harrison.
What, doubt an undoubted Edge
reading maths professor against
that dimwit Lengthy Boy who
supplied me with such ‘internet
twaddle’ in the first place? Not
likely, Gifford, you sex machine,
you. E.E.
Raleigh Choppers
Oi, Edge bloke!
Rayleigh is a town in Essex. They
do not make Choppers (July Edge)
Raleigh do.
Tut!
Andy Ballentyne
You disgusting pedant, sir. E.E.
William & Harry
Dear Edge,
Here's something for you to get
into. Those two Prince’s William
and Harry are so different, I refuse
to believe they are of the same
father. William's nearly bald, like
Charlie, while Harry has a full head
of red hair.
Facial features don't match either.
Their mother was known to ‘put it
about a bit’ so I reckon Harry is the
son of that butler, James
something-or-other.
Regards,
E. Lucas.
Blimey! Talk about an off-thewall
email. To be fair, surely it’s
crystal clear that the brothers
are not of the same dad, and
furthermore, The Edge thinks
that you are somewhat confusing
Messrs. Paul Burrell and the
dashing rogue that is James
Hewitt, sir. E.E.
Sudbury Curry House
Dear Edge,
Stumbled across your July issue
whilst waiting for my take-away in a
curry house in Sudbury, Suffolk.
Best read in a long while.
I would happily write to all your
advertisers to tell them this, but I
think that would make me as sad
and as stupid an arse as Mark
Kreamer (mistaken in Letters
section), so I haven’t bothered.
Regards,
Gareth Evans.
Wow! How did a copy of The
Edge work its way up to a curry
house in Suffolk? Which one
amongst you was it, readers,
eh? Come on, cough up? E.E.
Damn Coward
Dear Edge,
Well, you've had a go at
Christianity, so it's time to balance
things up by having a go at Islam,
Judaism, Buddhism, etc.
I suggest you start with Islam, if
you've any 'balls', and see what
happens.
Islam has loads of peculiarities and
you could have a field day going
on about it as you've certainly the
talent to do so.
Go on! It's time to put the crap that
is religion firmly in its place, especially
as it's declared war on western
culture.
You say “all religion is crap”, so
name ALL of them.
You only pick on those that do not
fight back, you damn coward!
I bet you won't even publish this
letter and I'm NOT even religious.
Yours disgusted,
E. Lucas.
Nothing for 15 years and then
two letters in the very same
issue, eh? OK, look, it was actually
The Grumpy Goose that said
“all religion is crap” and you can
read all about what The Goose
has to say on page 23.
Personally speaking, I’m not a
fan of religion, but then this
whole episode was about something
The Goose wrote to which
‘somebody of a religious persuasion’
took umbrage to and it all
spiralled from there. But as editor,
I’ve never once thought, ‘I
know. Let’s do an article about
what a crock of shit religion is’,
or have any desire to start writing
about Islam, Judaism and
Buddhism, as you’ve suggested
the mag does, simply because I
honestly feel (a) I couldn’t justify
the sheer amount of space such
a subject would require, and (b) I
doubt the majority of The Edge’s
regular readers would be interested.
Let’s face it, you’re never
going to turn a non-believer into
a believer, no matter how much
they pedal it, and vice versa. So
what’s the point in trying?
Perhaps religion’s really no more
than some people needing fags
and others needing alcohol.
It is an emotional crutch. E.E.
Circle of Trust
Hi Striker,
I wanted to respond to your recent
father-in-law article in last months
Edge (July issues).
Where as your father-in-law is
similar to Harry Enfield’s ‘Only Me’
character, mine’s slightly more
‘Jack Burns’ of The Fockers fame.
No, I'm not saying he’s ex-CIA or
Mi5, even though that might
explain the ‘listening device’ in his
ear (he admits to being a bit mutton
in the one lug-hole, but I've
never been so sure).
I'm also not even saying it's
because he’s oh so often given me
the "I'm watching you, Focker"
treatment either (I'm sure he said
focker???). No, it's the simple fact
that, like Ben Stiller’s character in
the Focker trilogy, I'm never going
to be completely good enough for
his ‘little girl’, or ever be included in
his damned circle of trust.
OK, OK, I accept it might have
something to do with the fact that
17 years ago, there was an incident
of him walking into his daughter’s
bedroom, only to find a 5'10”
skinny (yes, that's right, I did weigh
less than 11 stone once, you know)
only ever so slightly ginger haired
lad attempting to do ‘rude things’
with his angel.
Or maybe it's the fact that I’ve
already failed 10 times whilst trying
to pass my driving test (including
once where I got into completely
the wrong car) and his beloved
daughter has to drive us everywhere
("I just don't get why that
tosser can't pass a simple thing like
his driving test?")
On the other hand, it could also be
the fact that I'm totally crap at
D.I.Y., where as the father-in-law is
naturally a legend in all trades and
has to come round to ours and do
absolutely everything (from laying
the wooden floor to fixing the water
tank in the loft....I hate heights),
together with the fact that I don't
have a ‘real man’s job’ as I work in
fashion, as opposed to doing some
honest work, such as any form of
labouring.
Or maybe it’s simply confessing,
when drunk (more than once), that
the mother-in-law is definitely worth
a shag!
And you always know that you’re
never going to be the complete
apple of anyone's eye when, during
dinner parties (or at your very own
wedding reception), your father-inlaw
says, “I always hoped and
prayed that one day my girl would
meet a man good enough for
her...and to this day, I'm still hoping
and praying." (I think he was joking.
I'm sure I saw him smile when
he said it. Then again, it might
have been a bit of windy pops from
the volovants.)
There have also been far too many
occasions to mention when I've
been pushed aside because he
can ‘do it’ far better than ever I
could, from cooking on the BBQ to
simply changing a toilet roll.
So will I ever be good enough for
his little girl? Doubtful. Very doubtful
indeed.
All I know is that my own little
angel is already 7 this year and I
rub my hands with glee in anticipation
of becoming a 'Jack Burns'
type character one day myself and
properly putting some unsuspecting
tosser through the ringer, rather
than writhing in the 'Gaylord
Focker' position I currently occupy.
And hey, that’s because I’ve learnt
from the very best.
Jan Attrell.
Love it, Jan, just love it. E.E.
P.S. Plus you’ve a girl’s name!
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