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JOKING!
Cameron: Take Note
The Irish have solved their own financial problems.
They’ve imported 50 million tonnes of
sand from the Arabs and are now going to start
drilling for oil.
Wind the Baby
Went round to a friend’s house today. His wife
was sat there with their newborn baby. She
asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a
bit harsh, so I gave it a dead leg instead.
Paddy’s Goldfish
Paddy goes to see the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm
enough to me."
Paddy says, "Wait ’til you see what it does when
I take it out of the bowl."
Not Happy
Statistically speaking, 6 out of every 7 dwarfs
are not happy.
No Problem
A mate of mine recently admitted to being
addicted to brake fluid, but when I quizzed him
about it, he reckoned it wasn’t a problem as he
could stop at any time.
Sad Tale
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub’s window
seat, watching the front door of the brothel over
the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears and quickly
scurries inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites
they were?"
They carry on drinking, only shortly afterwards,
a Rabbi turns up, furtively knocks and is quickly
ushered inside.
"Another one!” cries the second Irishman.”Tut.
Trying to fool us all with their pious preaching
and stupid hats and wotnot."
After a short while of continued drinking and
angered condemnation of both the Vicar and the
Rabbi, they suddenly see their own Catholic
priest knocking on the door opposite the pub.
“Ah, now dat's sad," says the third Irishman.
"One of the girls clearly must have died."
Balance
I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little
short-sighted old lady asked me if I could check
her balance. Not being one to disappoint, I
effortlessly pushed her over.
Skint
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of
anything except VB.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with VB?"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of VB last night and
when I came round, I was fookin’ skint."
Barman says, "Twelve pints of anything pretty
much costs about the same these days."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
Racism
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to play
the racism card these days.
Take this particular instance. A customer asks a
store manager in what aisle could he find some
Irish sausages?
Retail chappy asks him, “Are you Irish, sir?”
Well, the fella, clearly offended, confirms that
yes, he is Irish, but counters saying, “Supposing
I’d asked you for some Italian sausages. Would
you have asked me if I was Italian?
“Or if I had asked you for German Bratwurst.
Would you asked me if I was German?
“Or if I‘d wanted some kosher hot dogs, would
you have assumed I was Jewish?
“Or perhaps Mexican, if I’d asked you for some
Taco’s?”
Store manager scratches his head and replies,
“To be truthful, sir, no, I probably wouldn't."
Customer claps his hands together and says,
“There you are then. So why did you immediately
presume me Irish, just because I happened to
ask you for some Irish sausages?”
Store manager says, "Because this is Halfords."
Spider
My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his
birthday, so I went to the local pet shop and was
shocked, saddened and dismayed to discover
they were selling for £70.00 and upwards.
‘Bollocks to that,’ I thought. ‘I’m bound to be
able to get him one cheaper on the web.’
Do Not Bend
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It
says on the envelope: ‘DO NOT BEND’.
So Paddy spends the next two hours trying to
figure out how to pick the damn thing up.
Freshers
Freshers at the Edinburgh Veterinary School
were receiving their first anatomy class with a
dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table
where the carcass was covered with a
white sheet.
Then the professor strode in and started the
class by telling them, “In Veterinary Medicine, it
is necessary to possess two important qualities
as a Doctor. The first is that you need not be
disgusted by anything involving the animal body.
As an example....” he said, before pulling back
the sheet, sticking a finger up the dead cow's
arse and then sucking it.
Well, his students were shocked at that.
“Go ahead, try it for yourselves,” the Professor
instructed them.
After freaking out for a bit, the students eventually
took it in turns to stick their fingers up the
dead cow’s arse before sucking them.
When everyone had finished, the Professor
looked at them and said, “And the second most
important quality is observation. I don’t know
whether you noticed, but I stuck my middle finger
up that cow’s backside, yet sucked on my
index finger. Learn to pay attention.”
New Job
Life's tough, and it's even tougher if you're
stupid. I start a new job in Seoul next week.
I figured it would be a good Korea move.
Pregnant
Paddy shouts frantically down the ’phone, "My
wife’s pregnant and her contractions are only
two minutes apart."
The nurse replies, "Is this her first child?"
Paddy hollers, "No. This is her husband!"
2012 Olympics
It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London.
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman
want to get in, but haven't got any tickets.
So the Scotsman picks up a manhole cover,
tucks it under his arm, and walks up to the gate.
"McTavish, Scotland, discus." he announces,
and walks straight in.
So the Englishman, impressed at the
Scotsman’s ingenuity, picks up a length of
scaffold, slings it over his shoulder, walks up to
the gate and announces, “Waddington-Smythe,
England, pole-vault," and in he walks.
Well, the Irishman is majorly impressed and not
to be outdone looks around and picks up a roll
of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.
"O'Malley, Ireland....." he proudly announces at
the gate. "Fencing."
Drunk as a Skunk
Paddy is driving home, drunk as a skunk.
Suddenly, he has to swerve to avoid a tree.
Then another. And then another.
Cop car eventually pulls him over as he’s
veering about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the
road.
Cop says, "For God’s sake, Paddy, that's your
air freshener swingin' about."
New Aftershave
I tried some new aftershave that smells like
breadcrumbs. The birds absolutely love it.
Sex
Wife says to her husband, "You only ever want
sex when you're drunk.”
Husband replies, "Hey, that's not fair and that’s
not true. (Thinks for a moment.) Sometimes I
want a kebab."
Memory Stick
Bought the wife a Memory Stick.
It's great. She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner
or sex once since the first beating.
Q&A
Q. What's the difference between a boy and a
girl in Liverpool?
A. Girls have a higher sperm count.
All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk