Read August's The Edge as a PDF - The Edge Magazine

That’s Not Me
So I’m sat with the quack. Nice (youngish) lady
and I am busy pouring my heart out to her
over my busted shoulder. I am telling her, “It’s
been three months now and the darn thing is
refusing to heal.”
So she has a little feel of it (the shoulder). It’s
a hot morning and her hands are nice and cold
on my skin.
“Hmmmm,” she says, before picking up the
telephone. When it is answered, she says, “I
have a fifty year old man...”
‘Tum-tee-tum’ I am musing, as I am sitting
their, patiently waiting for her to attend to her
other business of the day.
“....with a continuing shoulder complaint....”
AND THAT’S WHEN IT STRUCK ME LIKE A
BOLT OF LIGHTENING FROM RIGHT OUT
OF THE BLUE, readers, for she was actually
talking about meeeeee!
Christ, when she mentioned the word fifty
down the blower, I thought she was on about
some old geezer like the bloke above. Only
she wasn’t. She had my records up on her
screen and she was damn well talking about
me. Bloody me?
Well, that really was a shock, I can tell you.
Just not used to being 50 at all, yet.
SHITTO
What’s the point of one totally unsuspecting
person winning something ridiculous like
£160million (or whatever the astronomical
figure was) on the weekly Lotto (or Euro Lotto
or whatever it’s bloody well called) when what
they ought be doing in such situations - if that’s
the amount in the kitty - is guaranteeing sixteen
separate winners a one million knicker cash
bonanza each.
Why give just one person far too much and an
amount they clearly wouldn’t be suitably capable
of handling, no matter how much they might
want it, when you could make sixteen people
literally piss their pants with happiness instead?
For instance, The Edge spends a quid per
week on the Lotto and has only ever won a
tenner. What sort of a return is that?
Just say, though, just say, that if every one of
the 10,000 people who pick up a copy of The
Edge every month were to put a fiver each into
a pot and we all drew straws, then the lucky
winner would walk away with £50,000 on a
regular monthly basis.
Now I am telling you straight, readers, I would
far rather spend £60 per year with the chance
of winning £50,000 every single month than
shell out £52 per year and carry on winning
sweet bugger all on the Lotto like I have been
doing for God knows how long. What say you?
Because if you all think the same way as The
Edge does, hell, why don’t we JUST DO IT?
Oh sure, no doubt there are laws against doing
such a thing, but I’m almost certain our very
own Kingpin could find a way around them.
So how about it?
I honestly think it would be BRILLIANT and I’d
even be happy for whoever won the fifty grand
each month....whereas I both loathe, hate and
despise those lucky, lucky Lotto winners.
Ali’s Taxis
46-46-46
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