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ONLY JOKING! Cameron: Take Note The Irish have solved their own financial problems. They’ve imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and are now going to start drilling for oil. Wind the Baby Went round to a friend’s house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh, so I gave it a dead leg instead. Paddy’s Goldfish Paddy goes to see the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. Vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me." Paddy says, "Wait ’til you see what it does when I take it out of the bowl." Not Happy Statistically speaking, 6 out of every 7 dwarfs are not happy. No Problem A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid, but when I quizzed him about it, he reckoned it wasn’t a problem as he could stop at any time. Sad Tale Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub’s window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road. The local Methodist pastor appears and quickly scurries inside. "Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman. "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they were?" They carry on drinking, only shortly afterwards, a Rabbi turns up, furtively knocks and is quickly ushered inside. "Another one!” cries the second Irishman.”Tut. Trying to fool us all with their pious preaching and stupid hats and wotnot." After a short while of continued drinking and angered condemnation of both the Vicar and the Rabbi, they suddenly see their own Catholic priest knocking on the door opposite the pub. “Ah, now dat's sad," says the third Irishman. "One of the girls clearly must have died." Balance I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little short-sighted old lady asked me if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint, I effortlessly pushed her over. Skint Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except VB. Barman asks, "What's wrong with VB?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of VB last night and when I came round, I was fookin’ skint." Barman says, "Twelve pints of anything pretty much costs about the same these days." Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog." Racism Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to play the racism card these days. Take this particular instance. A customer asks a store manager in what aisle could he find some Irish sausages? Retail chappy asks him, “Are you Irish, sir?” Well, the fella, clearly offended, confirms that yes, he is Irish, but counters saying, “Supposing I’d asked you for some Italian sausages. Would you have asked me if I was Italian? “Or if I had asked you for German Bratwurst. Would you asked me if I was German? “Or if I‘d wanted some kosher hot dogs, would you have assumed I was Jewish? “Or perhaps Mexican, if I’d asked you for some Taco’s?” Store manager scratches his head and replies, “To be truthful, sir, no, I probably wouldn't." Customer claps his hands together and says, “There you are then. So why did you immediately presume me Irish, just because I happened to ask you for some Irish sausages?” Store manager says, "Because this is Halfords." Spider My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to the local pet shop and was shocked, saddened and dismayed to discover they were selling for £70.00 and upwards. ‘Bollocks to that,’ I thought. ‘I’m bound to be able to get him one cheaper on the web.’ Do Not Bend Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope: ‘DO NOT BEND’. So Paddy spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick the damn thing up. Freshers Freshers at the Edinburgh Veterinary School were receiving their first anatomy class with a dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table where the carcass was covered with a white sheet. Then the professor strode in and started the class by telling them, “In Veterinary Medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a Doctor. The first is that you need not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. As an example....” he said, before pulling back the sheet, sticking a finger up the dead cow's arse and then sucking it. Well, his students were shocked at that. “Go ahead, try it for yourselves,” the Professor instructed them. After freaking out for a bit, the students eventually took it in turns to stick their fingers up the dead cow’s arse before sucking them. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and said, “And the second most important quality is observation. I don’t know whether you noticed, but I stuck my middle finger up that cow’s backside, yet sucked on my index finger. Learn to pay attention.” New Job Life's tough, and it's even tougher if you're stupid. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I figured it would be a good Korea move. Pregnant Paddy shouts frantically down the ’phone, "My wife’s pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart." The nurse replies, "Is this her first child?" Paddy hollers, "No. This is her husband!" 2012 Olympics It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London. A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but haven't got any tickets. So the Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm, and walks up to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland, discus." he announces, and walks straight in. So the Englishman, impressed at the Scotsman’s ingenuity, picks up a length of scaffold, slings it over his shoulder, walks up to the gate and announces, “Waddington-Smythe, England, pole-vault," and in he walks. Well, the Irishman is majorly impressed and not to be outdone looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland....." he proudly announces at the gate. "Fencing." Drunk as a Skunk Paddy is driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly, he has to swerve to avoid a tree. Then another. And then another. Cop car eventually pulls him over as he’s veering about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. Cop says, "For God’s sake, Paddy, that's your air freshener swingin' about." New Aftershave I tried some new aftershave that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds absolutely love it. Sex Wife says to her husband, "You only ever want sex when you're drunk.” Husband replies, "Hey, that's not fair and that’s not true. (Thinks for a moment.) Sometimes I want a kebab." Memory Stick Bought the wife a Memory Stick. It's great. She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating. Q&A Q. What's the difference between a boy and a girl in Liverpool? A. Girls have a higher sperm count. All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk
The Grumpy Goose! The Catholic Church There has been speculation that, as a result of my article about the men in white dressing gowns, The Edge Editor had suspended me, or I had chosen to ‘lay low’. Nonsense. I'm still here, and, to prove it, I'm writing this column. In reply to a letter from clearly a small boy (see Letters Page): In my original article entitled ‘Ridiculous’ (May Edge), I used the phrase “all religions are equally bogus”; note the word ‘all’ - it means inclusive, not exclusive. Let me make it plain: THERE IS NO GOD. Whichever religion you choose, you are deluding yourselves. It’s just us. We are responsible for all of the good and all of the evil in the world. I have no problem with people who believe in a god; go ahead, delude yourselves, deceive your children. However, I do have a problem with the Catholic Church. Why, I hear you ask? (But only the Catholics are asking - everyone else knows.) The Edge Editor is a regular visitor to Blissful Soul in order to unwind from the stresses and strains of his complicated life in their Floatation Tank Definitely not The Edge Editor’s feet, readers....but I was brave enough (just) to have my toes nibbled and it genuinely is a feeling like no other The Catholic Church is the main religion in Europe and affects our daily lives. It preaches to Catholics and non Catholics alike. Catholics are entitled to their beliefs, as are Muslims. However, Islam does not affect our daily lives. Muslims do not abuse children in care homes, their leaders do not live in a golden palace full of treasure, they are not hypocrites. In fact, I'm not sure any other religion is as hypocritical as the Catholic Church. As I write this, I'm watching the BBC news at 6; yet another incident of abuse and cover-up by the Catholic Church. Father John McGee, an adviser to the pope, has been found to have covered up incidents of child abuse by Catholic priests; after the pope promised it would not happen again. BUT STILL IT GOES ON. As Catholics, you know all these news reports are true. ‘Something is rotten in the state of Denmark’ if I may quote Shakespeare. Aren't you ashamed of your church? You should be. The Catholic Church is truly morally bankrupt, but you'll defend it, won't you, because you are morally bankrupt as well. So for once, do the right thing and condemn the systematic abuse perpetrated within your religion. But wait, I think I have a solution to the problem. I propose you live your lives by a different book. You've used the bible for 2000 years; it’s time for a change. I suggest you use a book(s) that is more widely read than the bible; something more relevant - Harry Potter. It’s got a man with long hair and a beard, there are spirits and demons and spells and magic (miracles even). Lord Hanningfield He’s an unashamed arrogant common thief; it’s official. He stole from the hard working and over burdened tax payers of Chelmsford. His supporters claim that his imprisonment is a travesty; he did a great deal for the county, he spoke very highly of it. Is that it? He spoke? What else did he do for the county? Did he collect refuse? Did he drive a bus? Did he work in a hospital? No, but he stole from the tax payers who did. The people who defend him are equally corrupt and morally bankrupt. At least his incarceration is not all bad news for him; I believe his ‘preference’ is quite prevalent in prison. Debenhams I walked through Debenhams the other day. As I passed the cosmetics counters, I wondered how the female staff managed to get their skin to look so orange and waxy? Race for Life A (female) friend entered Race for Life; her boyfriend wanted to participate too. However, he was rejected, on the grounds that he is not female. What an idiot. Doesn't he know only women get cancer? Men don't get it, do they? They can't do, or Race for Life would include men. The women who organise this event aren't stupid, or selfish, are they? So it’s time us men admitted Fishy Goings On that we only get ‘man cancer’; you know, a bit like ‘man flu’, not real. Only women get real flu and real cancer. So come on, all you men, get out of that hospice bed, there’s nothing wrong with you; stop malingering. Those beds are needed for women. Government Advice Employ British workers over foreigners; it’s the only way to ensure full employment. ‘They come over here (even though they are entitled to do so) and take our jobs.’ We British want our traditional jobs back: cleaning cars and picking fruit & veg etc. Even I, The Grumpy Goose, have first-hand experience of this thorny employment issue. On three occasions last year, as part of my ‘real job’, I had to interview job applicants. I advertised the vacancies through Chelmsford Job Centre. On all three occasions, out of approximately 30 applicants, only 7 arrived. Of those 7, four were more than 30 minutes late. I was greeted with the likes of: “Alright, mate. I'm ’ere about the job,” by people in track suits and hoodies; one applicant even kept his earphones in and listened to his i-Pod for the duration of the interview (true). Contrast this with a man from the Czech Republic, wearing black shoes, black trousers, a white shirt and a tie; he greeted me with, “Good morning, sir. I'm here about the job interview.” Sadly, most (not all) of the British apes that frequent the Job Centre couldn't get a job picking up dog shit. Ahem, readers. These are the exclusive views of the GG and not necessarily blah, blah, blah... Blissful Soul, run by Tony and Danielle Smith in Moulsham Street, has proved so successful in such a short space of time that they are about to open two further fishy outlets in Maldon and Harlow. “We combine 8 individual fish pedicure spas with massage and floatation therapy,” says Danni, “so we’re more than just a one stop shop. “Our fish are called Garra Rufa, originally from Turkey,” chips in Tony, “and to be honest, we haven’t seen any as big anywhere else. It’s an incredible feeling having them nibble away at the dead skin cells on your feet, but they’re hardly piranhas, so there’s really no need to worry!” The price is just £10 for 15 minutes (£5 for children) followed by a moisturising foot rub. Or alternatively £20 if you wish to follow up your treatment with nail filing, cuticle work and a toenail polish. Meanwhile, floatation therapy is perhaps the most unusual way to destress and allows you to float your cares away in an i-sopod tank in water that includes 800lb of Epsom Salts. Prices start at just £20 for 40 minutes, or £25 for 1 hour. � Gift vouchers available � 20% discount for students and OAP’s (proof required) � Private parties catered for - prices upon application � Check website for all package prices 177 Moulsham Street, Chelmsford. Telephone 01245 690167. 2 people for the price of 1 @ Blissful Soul! Simply bring this EDGE voucher along and TWO people can experience a FISH PEDICURE or float in our FLOATATION TANK (seperately or together) for the price of ONE* at Blissful Soul on any day excluding Saturdays (might be a good idea to book in advance)! *Terms and conditions apply 177 Moulsham Street, Chelmsford. Telephone 01245 690167 www.theedgemag.co.uk Page 23
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