Unikum november 2019

same as with family and friendships, and I would
strongly recommend at least acknowledging this, if
perhaps not following it to its logical conclusion.
For the truth is, that healthy polyamorous relationships
do not try to avoid jealousy – they try to deal
with its underlaying causes. Personal insecurities?
That shit is not healthy anyway and needs to be
acknowledged and worked on! Afraid of losing your
partner? Well, holding on too hard and restricting
your partner too much might end up feeling suffocating
and thus have the opposite effect (“grass is
always greener”, right?). Don’t trust your partner?
Then why the fuck are you with that person anyway.
While I think that the underlaying reasons for jealousy
should be acknowledged and worked on,
I recognise that taking the next step of opening a
romantic relationship up to other sexual and romantic
entanglements might not work for or be
of interest to everyone. But I hope that I have at
least made it seem less foreign and unnatural.
Now what about STDs? Use condoms and checked
often, which you should do anyway, even if you’re
in a monogamous relationship (at least once in
a while, just to be safe). What about time and resources?
Yes, there is a question of logistics and
practical limits to how many partners you can
maintain. But that is true of any relationship. There
is (or at least should be) a practical limit to how
many children and close friendships you can possibly
have. What about children? Now, that is a can
of worms that I do not want to go into here, other
than to mention that the most important thing for
a child is to have a stable and loving home, and
that there is more than one way to provide that.
Polyamory 301 – a Case Study
One of the best lessons I have learned from being
in a polyamorous relationship is to communicate.
Given that there is no cultural “script” for how to be
polyamorous, there is bound to be some stumbling
around and stepping on some toes in the process.
Being open and honest about your actual needs and
wants is important in all relationships and learning
to communicate well is not exclusive to polyamory, of
course. But the difference is that you are kinda forced
to communicate better more quickly to a greater
extent in a polyamorous relationship. My partner
and I have been forced to have quite a few conversations
about rules and lack of rules, often adjusting
and refining as our real needs and wants have been
gradually revealed both to each other and ourselves.
It would be an entire article in-and-of itself just to go
through the journey we have had so far, but I will at
least describe our current relationship dynamic and
our attitudes towards love and sex and relationships:
I should perhaps start by mentioning that we both
wanted a polyamorous relationship from the very
beginning (although we did not know to call it
that back then). Neither of us talked the other into
anything, just to avoid that unhelpful stereotype.
I myself do not get jealous – or I have yet to experience
it, at least – so I do not care much about what my partner
does, as long as she is safe and responsible and
happy. My partner does get jealous, and it took a while
and several dozen conversations to figure out the reasons
that triggered it. We first thought it was “normal”
jealousy that we tried to confront, but that did not
fit the lack of pattern, as she was sometimes neutral
towards my “lovers”, and other times even happy
about them. We then thought she was more comfortable
when she knew them personally, otherwise she
did not want to know too much. Turns out she is just
uncomfortable not knowing what’s going on. So now
I keep her up to date, not always directly about who
I am seeing, but at least that I am seeing someone.
We currently have fallen into what is sometimes called
“hierarchical polyamory”, meaning that we are defacto
operating with a “primary” relationship or her
and me, with her other boyfriend as “secondary” and I
suppose our other friends-with-benefits being “tertiary”
or something. I am, however, not trying to flex my
“primary” status towards my partner’s other boyfriend’s
“secondary” status. It is simply the result of her
and me living together; we are not opposed to including
someone else in our relationship and home in the
future, we just do not know what that might look like.
As any couple, we make sure to be spending enough
time together. Her having a second boyfriend who
she is also spending time with is not impacting my
time with her, just as spending time with friends
in a “normal” relationship is not problematic.
Otherwise, we have trained ourselves to talk about
problems and hick-ups as soon as they arise, sometimes
even before we know what is troubling us
and why. We have also ended up with the attitude
that our needs and wants might change over time,
and thus our “rules” or attitudes are always subject
to review. To put it somewhat poetically, relationships
are conversations that never ends and never
should. It is as much a process as a state of being,
for humans never stagnate, so if we allow our relationships
to do so, then they are doomed to fail.
Today, we are happy “sleeping around” and having
other romantic partners other than each other, and
although we think it unlikely, that might change in
the future. If it does, we will talk about it then.
As our relationships and we ourselves change,
we will discover and confront the potential
consequences as they come. As any
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