JANUARY_UNIKUM_WEB

Agony Aunt -
TIPS
New Year‘s Theme
Jay Voltaire
Writer
Illustration: Freepik // storyset
Your most dreaded advice column is back after a wonderful holiday break. Babes,
I pray you had a cosy festive season. I personally celebrate the holidays by falling
over twice at our local shopping centre: a family tradition. Unfortunately, it‘s
such a rare practice that many people are less than considerate, but I won’t let
the haters get me down. Strong people pick each other up; and themselves.
Q: What should I keep in mind going into the New Year?
A: As we keep cosy by the wall mounted heater this January,
much comes to mind about what we want for the coming year.
But perhaps we shouldn’t be thinking of our own plans but those
of people with real fireplaces. Upping the pay grade of your local
politicians, c’mon you know you want to.
Q: What message should I post before exiting a group
chat? (Asking for a friend xx)
A: Honey, there is no one right answer to this one. You need to
feel out the situation. Are you growing distant, no longer having
the energy? A heartfelt rendition of Mars rover Opportunity‘s last
message might do the trick: “My power’s really low, so this may be
the last image I can send. Don’t worry about me though: my time
here has been both productive and serene. If I can keep talking to
my mission team, I will – but I’ll be signing off here soon. Thanks
for staying with me.”
Or maybe your friends have scorned you. You might want
to take a more professional approach. Try something
like this: “I have some bittersweet news to share today.
[Name], a cherished member of our [Group Chat]
family, has decided to embark on a new quest
outside our realm. (Broken heart emoji)
Let’s cheer them on for the next leg of
this journey that is life! (Heart emoji)
(Fireworks emoji).
Q: Should I quit drinking this New
Year?
A: I’d be sad to see you go. #StayHydrated
#KeepOnChugging
Q: Can I fix him?
A: The question is not can, it is how. I thoroughly recommend the
kintsugi method. You may have to crack him a bit more first but
it’s worth it for the end result, a beautifully adorned … You have to
break some eggs to make an omelette.
Q: Any tips on how to save money?
A: The plight of money-homelessness plagues many when they
form their New Year’s plans. Should I save, or should I invest?
Should I buy my coffee on campus or put one in my bag with all
my electronics? What about the poor money living it rough on the
streets? Recent weather has made life especially tough for the coins
in the cold. Give it a home in your digital bank account as soon as
possible. Save a Life.
Q: Should I dye my hair again?
A: Why of course you should, dear! Self-expression, no matter how
you do it, is always a good thing. That said, make sure you don‘t get
that colouring in places you don‘t want it! I swallowed some once,
and while the doctor said I was fine, I felt like I had dyed a little on
the inside…
Q: My refrigerator has been making strange
noises at night, and I suspect it might be trying
to communicate with extraterrestrial beings.
Should I be concerned, or is my fridge just
lonely?
A: Everyone wants a friend dearie. Have you considered
spending more time with your fridge? If it feels wanted in its
home environment it might be less compelled to engage with
risky social behaviour. Or maybe it’s just hungry.
12