Deinfaktor10.de - Disziplin

EMPATHY
DU
DU
18
EMPATHY
19
Self-discipline of Resilience
Empathy
On June 16th, right after my TEDX talk in
Berlin, I was asked by my wonderful, brilliant
colleague – Dirk Ohlmeier – to share my
“take” on discipline in an article.
On September 23rd, exactly three months
later, I am writing down my thoughts on
discipline. — by Sule Kutlay Gandur
Ihad three months to work on this article. I let time slip
by, and life get in the way. I procrastinated. I waited
for the perfect “moment” and the perfect “muse”. Not
only did this not happen, but also life got very complicated,
with a terminal illness in the family. On the one hand, I
cannot help but think I should be the last person preaching
about discipline. After all, my behavior so far is a
perfect example for lack of it. On the other hand, ironically,
I think I may be the best candidate because this is exactly
what I would like to draw attention to: The constant
push & pull between impulsivity and self-control, when it
comes to discipline.
accomplishment now. We call this
“power of delayed gratification”.
Finally, researchers decided to answer
the question of nature versus
nurture, in self-discipline. Why was
it easier for some children than
others?
So, at the University of Rochester,
they replicated the marshmallow
experiment, but with a twist.
The first group of children were
exposed to a series of unreliable
experiences; they sometimes did
not get what they were promised.
The second group of children
were exposed to reliable experiences;
they always got the reward
they were promised. Those in the
second group, who trained their
brains to view delayed gratification
as positive, delayed gratification
four times longer than the first
group.
The question is: Can we discipline ourselves to behave
in a certain way, even if our natural impulse is against
this behavior? And how?
Science has already proven to us that we can. You may be
familiar with the “Marshmallow Test” at Stanford University,
from 1970s. 4-5 year old kids were lined up, facing
an alluring marshmallow. If they resisted the immediate
impulse to eat it, and waited for fifteen minutes, they
were given two marshmallows instead of one. Some
were tempted by the immediate desire. Others focused
on the long – term goal and waited; they displayed selfcontrol
and delayed gratification.
What is more, the group of kids in the marshmallow test
were followed in their later years. The observation was
that those kids who exercised self-discipline at age 4 or
5 were also more successful later, in school, at work, and
in family life. They had better SAT scores, higher degrees,
accomplished careers, and happy family lives. Simply put,
the ability to delay gratification then was linked to future
In short, some of us are more
prone self-discipline than others.
However, in the right environment,
with the right feedback, we
can just easily train our brains to exercise more selfdiscipline.
And self-discipline, in the form of delayed gratification,
is directly correlated with higher performance.
But, so what? Is performance what we should strive
for? How important is self-discipline and delayed
gratification, after all?
In the book, the Happiness Trap, the author Russ
Harris, takes us through acceptance and commitment
therapy. While doing so, he talks about the impossible
expectation of all of us to be happy and accomplished all
the time. He argues that once we let go of this impossible
expectation, we find ourselves in a different mindset. We
are less goal-oriented and more process oriented. We
search more for competence, and less for performance.
The need for success and accomplishment is replaced
with a new hunger, meaning and purpose in life. Only
then, we are more ready for the sudden changes and
challenges life throws at us. We become resilient.
Resilience is an area of interest and expertise for
me, personally and professionally. I have read hundreds
of books and articles on resilience. I have researched it,
wrote about it, and talked about it countless times, including
at TEDX Berlin. In my humble opinion, resilience, in
a nutshell, boils down to this sentence by Viktor Frankl:
“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we
are challenged to change ourselves”. This is the philosophy
of resilience. To put this philosophy into action, we
need “realistic optimism”– a crude understanding of
our circumstances, but also a hopeful outlook on the
future. And, this takes self-discipline. As developmental
psychologist Emmy Werner’s famous research proves
to us, we are not born as resilient children, but we can
certainly develop into resilient adults. When she studied
about 800 children from birth into midlife, she found
these common denominators among the resilient group.
Werner called them protective factors:
• Personal – ability to solve problems
• Family – strong bond with a care taker
• Community – helping others
• Communication- empathy and connection