Hey Nostradamus! By Douglas Coupland

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"It's true. And I'm not the only one. Those guys you see driving in trucks and wearing hardhats and all of that, they're doing the exact same thing that I was doing. They want to get to the grave without ever having to discuss anything more complex than the hockey pool." "Jason, that's cynical and simply not true." "Is it?" Was it? Getting Jason to discuss Reg was easy. All I had to do was say that Jason's mom saw Reg in the magazine shop on Lonsdale. Instantly: "That sanctimonious bastard sold me to his God for three beans. That mean, sour freak. He should rot." "Jason. He can't be all that bad." "Bad? He's the opposite of everything he claims to be." Is he? No. Sunday night 11:00 The sky was orange-before-the-dark, and I was in the vestibule organizing all of Jason's rubber workboots when Reg showed up. Pathetically, I was hoping the boots' odor might remind me of Jason. Reg's knock was startling, and when I answered the door, Reg looked at my face, and I could see he knew I'd given finally given up hope. In the kitchen he put on a pot of water for tea and took Jason's wallet from beside the fruit bowl. He removed the contents item by item, laying them out on the countertop. "So there he is." Laid out were Jason's driver's license, his North Van library card, his Save-On-Foods discount card and some photos of Barb, the kids and me. Reg said, "Heather, something happened today. Tell me what it was." He took the water off the stove before it screamed. He didn't want any extra drama. I remember reading somewhere that devoutly religious people despise psychics, Magic 8 Balls, fortune-telling, fortune cookies and anything of that ilk, considering them all calling cards of the devil. So I was pretty sure that when I told him about Allison he'd blow up or go into his lecture mode, but he didn't, and yet it was unmistakable that he disapproved. He asked, "Tell me more about the words 'Oh, I say.'" "It was this character Jason and I had between us." "And?" "He was a giraffe. Named Gerard." Page 102
"Why did he say, 'Oh, I say'?" "Because he needed to have a cheesy tag line every time he appeared on our stage, so to speak." It felt uncomfortable, if not obscene, discussing the characters with an outsider. Especially with Reg, who as a child probably spent his Sundays scanning the dot patterns in the weekend funnies with a magnifying glass in search of hidden messages from the devil. I told Reg about Froggles, too. "Reg, my point is that these were characters shared solely between Jason and me. Nobody on the planet could possibly have known about them." Reg was silent. This drove me nuts. "Reg, say something, at least." He poured the tea. "I guess what's strange for me here is to learn that Jason had an inner world that included all these characters and all the things they said." "Well, he did." "And that he spoke with them all the time." "He didn't speak with them, he was them. Or rather, they were us. We both have our own personalities, but when we went into character mode we became something altogether different. You could give me a thousand bucks and I couldn't think up a single line for them to say. Jason, too. But me and Jason together? There'd be no stopping us." "Do you have any wine?" "White or red?" "White." I took the bottle out of the fridge and poured it for him. He said, "Ahhh, God bless vitamin W." I asked him if the psychic aspect of these events upset him for religious reasons. "Psychics? Lord, no. They're all quacks. I don't believe God speaks to humans through them. So if a psychic's sending you messages, either the psychic's faking it, or something ungodly is coming through." "Yeah, well . . ." "Look, Heather, I know you're upset that I don't believe in your psychic." "She gave me evidence, Reg - " He raised his hands as if to say, Nothing I can do about it. Meanwhile I had to make dinner. I had no idea what was in the fridge to eat - fat-free yogurt? Limp celery? I got up to inspect. I had this thought: "Reg, is all this supposed to make us better people? I mean, is that why we're going through this - so that our souls can somehow improve?" I found a plastic tub of frozen spaghetti sauce. "Maybe." Page 103
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Hey Nostradamus! By Douglas Couplan
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house was quiet - not even a clock
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I said, "Let's talk about it at hom
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Dear God, Remove the blood from the
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My family didn't know what to make
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Dear God, What's hardest here is th
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The important thing is that we were
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only indicate Your absence - that f
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outfits must have made us look all
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And I did have questions and uneasy
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late into the game, I think." "What
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didn't hurt, the shooting, and I di
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someone who spends her days deliver
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ecame ghosts. The only thing that c
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It's a bit later again, still here
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on a locker's ventilation slits. "L
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turned around to me and said, "You
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their badge. Another cop looked at
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myself reflected in the one remaini
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* * * Like anyone, I've seen those
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I sat down, while Mom gave Joyce a
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Mom said, "Didn't you hear me?" Dad
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"Stick a potato in it. Your job, by
Page 47 and 48:
"Barb?" "Go now. Because I'll break
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the water, and here I am now in my
Page 51 and 52: My main memories of those two weeks
Page 53 and 54: Just don't screw your life up the w
Page 55 and 56: was in. What came over me? It was n
Page 57 and 58: I changed the subject. "How long ar
Page 59 and 60: In the third week after the massacr
Page 61 and 62: don't, and they all work so hard -
Page 63 and 64: Alive! friends look forward to the
Page 65 and 66: But I was going to say that when it
Page 67 and 68: "Tell me." "He said, 'Who are we to
Page 69 and 70: "I've heard of that. More for me, t
Page 71 and 72: I dropped the rock onto a nearby bo
Page 73 and 74: But I hadn't killed Yorgo. I stoppe
Page 75 and 76: * * * I'm in a Denny's in North Van
Page 77 and 78: "No. Just you." I was confused. I h
Page 79 and 80: have a carry-on bag? So that some c
Page 81 and 82: I was going to motion to the elevat
Page 83 and 84: Saturday afternoon 4:00 I met Jason
Page 85 and 86: Barb's commuting down the coast, an
Page 87 and 88: "Heather, how many people are in th
Page 89 and 90: Okay, Barb's housekeeper will be in
Page 91 and 92: Oh, Heather, you knew it wouldn't b
Page 93 and 94: "I'm driving." "So?" I didn't argue
Page 95 and 96: kitchen table where I picked at the
Page 97 and 98: "Wait. Hold on a minute. When you g
Page 99 and 100: It was becoming windy, and our voic
Page 101: Oh. So, um - what are you up to lat
Page 105 and 106: first disappeared, but which I've s
Page 107 and 108: What has happened to me? I've gone
Page 109 and 110: In my peripheral vision I'm also no
Page 111 and 112: sweater and readying my purse. "Oh,
Page 113 and 114: morning jobs, and he clocked out ea
Page 115 and 116: Tuesday afternoon 3:00 I was eating
Page 117 and 118: "No, I'm not." And he wasn't. Reg h
Page 119 and 120: "Five thousand dollars." "I figured
Page 121 and 122: existence. This is when I felt the
Page 123 and 124: "How could Allison have known such
Page 125 and 126: Okay then, what did happen? I follo
Page 127 and 128: Five years ago, before I met Jason,
Page 129 and 130: Allison didn't like this. "Oh, real
Page 131 and 132: I was appalled. "How could you use
Page 133 and 134: eating an egg salad sandwich, when
Page 135 and 136: We were in the Keg at the foot of L
Page 137: But I haven't lost you, my son. No
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Hey Nostradamus! By Douglas Coupland

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