Hey Nostradamus! By Douglas Coupland

"Five thousand dollars."
"I figured as much."
"So then where do you think we should meet?"
I knew that someplace private where I could wallop the crap out of her wasn't an option, so I suggested
a restaurant at Park Royal that catered mostly to older diners who liked buttery European food. She
seemed to like this.
"Oh, and Heather - "
"Yes, Allison?"
"Cash, please."
At one in the afternoon I met her there. It was odd pretending to be civil when she was in the midst of
vile extortion. Allison said, "All this butter and oil - you'd think pensioners would take better care of their
hearts."
"They're just waiting to die, Allison. Give it a rest."
Wiener schnitzels appeared on the table, but I didn't touch mine; Allison's vanished as though eaten by a
cartoon wolf. As she downed her last bite, she said, "There. Now shall we get down to business?"
"Yes, Allison, let's."
"Do you have the payment?"
I showed her the money, in twenties, taken from the shared account Jason and I were using to save for a
down payment on a small house. It was inside one of the leftover Ziploc bags. "Here."
She appraised it quickly. "Fine. I had a message last night. I don't known what any of this means, but
here goes . . ." She then began mouthing the words she'd received. It was one of our favorite set pieces,
involving Henry Chickadee, "Heir to the Chickadee Seed Fortune." Henry's story is that he spent his
days in Aisle 17 of the local Wal-Mart saying, "Hello! Welcome to Aisle 17. I'm Henry Chickadee, might
I entice you to sample our wide variety of Chickadee Seed products?" Sometimes Henry would be in his
perch beside a small mirror, and when he went back and forth on his swing, he'd say "Hello!" every time
he saw himself. Henry didn't understand what mirrors were, or what they did, and if other characters
tried to explain it, he'd just gap out. Pure silliness.
And so Allison sat there, in the middle of this geriatric restaurant reeking of buttery foods, saying "Hello!
Hello! Hello." Even though this woman was evil, she delivered the goods.
"Was there anything else added on to that?"
"Well - "
"Yes?" Fleeced or not, I was starved for connection.
"He says he misses you. He says he feels lost without you. He says he tries to speak to you, but he can't.
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