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notes from the
bachelor pad by troy spurlin
‘Closer’ by Nine Inch Nails, ‘Echoes’ by Pink Floyd, and anything by Portishead and Barry
White. Do you know what they have in common? They are great pieces of music and musicians that
you can rely on when you are feeding the kitty (“lovemaking” for you romantic types). At minimum,
they set a great tone when you are trying to seal the deal. Whoa, decorator dude, why are you talking
about music and sex? Well, my brothers, it’s time for us to move into the bedroom. The place where
it all happens--and I ain’t talking about sleep. No, I am talking about creating an environment where
she wants to remove all of her clothing, climb into your bed, and “bahm -chicka- bahm- bahm.”
But we’ve got a lot of work to do before that happens. Face it; right now she hates everything
about your bedroom. The dirty clothes, the stacks of old Sports Illustrated magazines, the fl oor that
has not been vacuumed, a coffee cup from yesterday morning (or last week), the litter box that needed
to be changed two weeks ago, and – most importantly – your bed, the comforter, and the sheets
you have on them. Yep, she hates the way they feel, the way they smell, and the way they look! And
when the girlie no like the bedroom, you no get the girlie (at least not twice).
So let’s start with just an overall feeling for our bedroom. We want it to tie in with our living area
{ }
However, under no circumstances should you place a bed angled
into a corner. I don’t care if your girlfriend, mother, or gay friend
who watches HGTV told you it was a great idea. It is just wrong.
that we have been working on for the past four months. I think for guys like us, with places like ours,
it is smart to go Asian. Reds, browns, black, dragons, Asian symbols, swords, sculpture in wood, a
water feature (could be a fountain or a fi sh tank), a “living” tree (bamboo or palm) and a few pieces
of chrome accents. Finally, with this combination it is always good to add a dash of white. So kick
back and let me lay it out for you.
I believe that bedrooms must be symmetrical. The symmetry brings harmony, peace, and a
sense of balance. See how this Asian theme already is working? It becomes a retreat from this
chaotic world in which we live. So, with that in mind, let’s place the bed on the center of the wall so
that if you were to lay down you would be able to see the door in front of you, past your feet. I can’t
stress the importance of this placement. If you have a room that runs narrow and you have no other
choice then placing the bed on the largest wall (from the door we see the side of the bed) that will
work too; just not as effectively. However, under no circumstances should you place a bed angled
into a corner. I don’t care if your girlfriend, mother, or gay friend who watches HGTV told you it was a
great idea. It is just wrong.
18 MAY 2008 | eu jacksonville monthly | at home
With the bed now in place let’s tackle your chest and/or dresser. If it is possible, we are going to
place the chest on the same line as the foot of the bed. Are you following me? If not, get some tape
and lay a line on either side of the bed that continues the line at the foot of the bed. Place the right
hand side of the chest on that line (you should now see the side of the chest from the doorway) and
have a nice path up the side of the bed. Do the same thing with your dresser or desk on the other
side.
I gotta say it fellas, I HATE a desk in a bedroom, it is so college dorm! But if you must, you
must, and that is all I am going to say about it.
Now, we need to place some bedside tables on either side of the bed. I don’t care if they are
low, high, or mismatched. If they are mismatched, make sure that they are the same height, otherwise
it will look junky. Okay, with these pieces now in place let’s address lighting.
Lighting is everything! We want to create the right mood and if you have not taken my advice on
anything else listen to this. I am going to give you my biggest secret. At Lowes, they have a polished
chrome table lamp that is awesome. It is sleek, modern, and looks very high end. You can expect to
buy two for less than 45 bucks a piece. It has a white short drum shade with two lighting pulls that
drop symmetrically. Hence, we have two bulbs per lamp. Put a 15 watt bulb in one and 40 watt bulb
in the other. That gives us altogether three lighting options, one with each pull: 1. Turn on the 15 watt
when the deal has been sealed. 2. Use the 40 watt bulb when you are reading in bed or need a little
more light. 3. Turn on both bulbs when you are getting dressed for a night on the town, need to fi nd
something, or want to create your latest submission for x-tube. Brother, these lamps can handle it all!
Okay, the bed! White sheets are a must. C’mon man, it is the only white thing I am putting in
the room so free it up. They assure her that what she is lying down on is clean. So save the colored
sheets for when you have a live-in or get married.
Spurlin’s Asian-inspired bedroom
For your sheets, I want you to go over to Home Goods. It’s on Southside Boulevard by the
Avenues Mall and they have high-end 300-plus thread count sheet sets (fi tted, top, and two pillow
cases) for under 40 bucks (30 if you look really hard and sometimes 20 if you walk the clearance
aisle and luck is on your side). Just a short word on thread count: the higher the count the softer the
sheet and that is all you really need or care to know about thread count. Make sure that the sheets
are 100% cotton. They will get softer and softer with age. Soft sheets are your friend. While you
are there, go to the pillow aisle. They have Joseph Abboud pillows that are a down synthetic (feels
like down but no feathers sticking you in the head and they are allergen free). They are amazing and
they are 12 dollars a piece. It is a steal, so buy four. “But dude, we only have two pillow cases in our
sheet set!” No worries, while heading up to the register you will pass the sheet aisle again and see
packages of two pillow cases for under seven bucks. So, with your new sheets and new pillows in
hand, put a smile on that face pee-wee, ‘cause you have just changed your life.
But we aren’t done. Don’t get all cocky thinking that Barry is going to be singing in the bedroom
tonight. We are a month out. Keep your door closed and use the multiple surfaces we created previously.
Remember movie night? Well, now she doesn’t have to bring her own pillow, Mr. Abboud has
remedied that. Now go rent Into the Wild (don’t wait for Netfl ix) at Blockbuster, stop at Liz Grenamyer’s
new take-home gourmet (919 King Street, the cross is College) and pick up some of the best
food in Jacksonville. I had the pork tenderloin and it was the best I have ever had. One serving will
feed both of you for under 11 bucks. Add a bottle of wine, a loaf of good French bread, and brother,
she may take you into the wild…