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40 MAY 2008 | eu jacksonville monthly | lifestyle
let’s get stimulated
by brenton crozier
If you’ve fi led your taxes, you know that you are probably getting a rebate in the following
months as part of the government’s stimulus package. The thinking behind this is that when people
get their check, an average of $300 to $600, they will go out and spend it on disco balls, candy corn
and whatever else it is the kids are buying these days. I wanted to see for myself if this was truly
the thought process regular folks had for their incoming funds, so I waded into the great unwashed
around Jacksonville and asked. Where will people spend their tax rebate? Much of the $117 billion tax
rebates between May and August will be saved or used to pay down debt as opposed to new spending.
Boring! But the bottom line is that even if only 20% of us spend our windfall buying stuff like refrigerators…or
better yet beer, there’s still going to be some positive boost to economic growth. Most
of us will get about a 5% boost to our bank account. And maybe if we just enjoy some of the extras
(fun stuff) we’ve been missing, it’ll boost our spirits too.
People have really different ideas on how they’ll spend their bucks. A large number surveyed
have decided to peg the fun-meter and let the rebate rain and the mullah fl ow.
“It’s all about hookers and beer. The problem is that $600 doesn’t go as far
as it used to. It used to be that you could get top-quality in both categories for that
type of cash. Now, you either have to go mid-range on both, or completely compromise
your standards in one area or the other, and it becomes a consideration of
whether you want to sacrifi ce taste or well-being. Essentially, it’s a matter of going
from imported to domestic beer and domestic to imported... well, you get the idea.”
Steve – 44-Years Old, Lawyer
Some have illusions of grandiose wealth that get defl ated by some reality preaching…
“I’m totally getting a 1968 Ludwig snare drum for my kit. Me and my band,
Our Fist Your Face, is starting to get pretty big and playing a lot of shows”. At this
point, Mike was interrupted by his roommate Karl who he refers to as “Killjoy Karl.”
Karl told Mike that he owed him that money for back rent and utilities and asked him
when he was going to grow up. Mike proceeded to tell Karl how lame he was and
said something about taking his corporate desk job and shoving it up something.
The argument escalated and I left, but not before I heard Karl sarcastically refer to
Mike as John Bonham like three times.
Mike – 23-Years Old, Drummer in Local Band
Diagnosis: totally clueless
“I was all like w00t, getting a rebate check from the feds! Now I can continue
to pwn all those n00bs that think they can touch Karnak! I’m like zomg you think
you can duel with me? It just makes me rofl . That check is going to give me at least
three more sweet years of WoW. I also wanted to do some painting and really pimp
out my room, but my mom was like, no way Karnak, your father would kyo oya (kick
you out on your ass).”
Karnak the Ruthless – 33-Years Old, Level 70 Night Elf Warrior (Unemployed)
Of course if Karnak didn’t fi le a return with the IRS – on time - no checky!
Self improvement ranked high in the survey…and so does catty competition.
“I’m going to get a Botox treatment and then a copious amount of martinis.
Don’t group me in with those desperate housewife whores, like the ones in the
marketing department. There’s nothing desperate about it, most your boyfriends are
looking at me anyway. The Botox just ensures that I continue to look good, and the
martinis just numb the pain.”
Cindy – 47-Years Old, Executive at Financial Planning Company
And then there’s….
“I will be using my rebate to continue paying the taxes I owe for the year. The
check is a bit of a tease, but without the initial benefi ts. Otherwise, I would have
probably gone for $600 worth of silly string and Oreo cookies. Yes, I’ve dreamed of
that moment since watching Big.” Brenton – 30-Years Old, Copywriter
So do your part Jacksonville, stimulate the economy with that cash. EU does not condone
spending your entire rebate on hookers or living with your parents at age 33.