Fall 2011 - The University of Scranton

I Could Be Kicking Ass—Part I
Craig Fisher
Secret Prison in the CLASSIFIED Desert
Country: CLASSIFIED
Time: CLASSIFIED:30am
Hawkeye Bootysmasher sat in his prison cell in Saudi Arabia. He
was seventeen. He had a long lost brother. He liked kicking ass. He liked
short, choppy sentences. His favorite color was yellow: like lemons. He
liked lemons so much because, when life tossed him lemons, he made
lemonade with his sugary biceps, ice-cube abs and firm bendy-straw.
He was also super smart. He knew lots. He knew lots about
computers. This means he also knew lots about his brain, considering it was
a computer. His brain was even stronger than his biceps. If only he could
tell the world he was fighting the good fight and kicking ass.
“I could be kicking ass,” he said. He thought about life and how he
had a long lost brother. Just then, he noticed a crack in the wall. That could
help him! Maybe he could work that crack into a nice loose hole!
After making fun of the prison guard’s family so much that the
guard emptied a full submachine gun clip into Hawkeye’s cell, that hole
opened right up! Hawkeye saw there was a box inside and took it out. He
opened the box. Inside was a laptop. “I guess when they were making the
prison someone dropped this here,” Hawkeye said with a mix of surprise
and no surprise at all. He then yelled, “Yeah! Tight!” but no one could hear
him over the submachine gun fire.
Hawkeye Bootysmasher knew what he had to do. His hacking skills
could get past secrets like a rock smashing through hot butter. He started
accessing networks and internet systems. After accessing the Yemenese
cruise missile system, he did what he had to do…
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