Fall 2011 - The University of Scranton

curtly to Hipster A, who produced a thick rope woven from suspenders
purchased from the Salvation Army. Jack and Dodger, the Artful Robot,
quickly set about tying the Esprit staff to chairs as Hipster A fed them rope.
Sweet Elk eyed editorial brains hungrily, wondering what they would taste
like.
“Why are you here?” asked the Editor-in-Chief.
“Haven’t you been reading? They want us to put them in Esprit.”
said the second editor.
“I thought you said it ‘Es-pritt,’” Jack drawled. “Unless it’s Eyetalian.”
“It doesn’t matter how you say it,” Dodger, the Artful Robot, said
icily. “What matters is we’re here. And we have the staff at our mercy.”
“But you’re just characters in a story! What are you going to do?”
asked the fourth editor.
“Do you really want to know?” Jack muttered.
“Might I remind you, Editor, that you’re a character in a story
now as well,” the Artful Robot bleeped. Sweet Elk licked his chops in
anticipation. Brains.
“Well,” said the Editor-in-Chief, “your manuscript is lacking good
characters, the plot’s clichéd—it’s a complete farce. That whole attempt at
a meta section was just unclear. Do your worst, robot.”
“As you wish,” Dodger, the Artful Robot said.
“What, Princess Bride quotes now too?” asked the fourth editor.
“That’s my line!” Hipster A shouted. “Sweet Elk, eat his brain first.”
Sweet Elk bellowed, unhinged his jaw and swallowed the head of the fourth
editor whole, chomping at the neck.
“Now, do we have your word, Editor? You’ll publish the
submissions that my comrades and I came from?” Dodger, the Artful
Robot, asked. He began to warm up the laser generators in his fingertips.
“Don’t do it!” said a voice from the shadows of the office. “I never
meant for this story to go so far!” The assembled group of editors and
characters turned toward the back wall of the office, which they hadn’t
looked at until this moment in time. A young woman stepped forward. In
her hand, she held a notebook computer.
“Wait, you wrote this? You’re not supposed to reveal authorship at
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