Little eyes, little ears - Agence de la sante publique du Canada

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$FICHE D'INFORMATION\ Mettre fin Ã la violence faite aux femmes$

little eyes,little earsLittle eyes, little earsChildren are good observersand poor interpretersThey listen and they see but don't understand situationsthe same way adults would.What children may feelFear, confusion, guilt, anger, frustration, tummy aches,and worry. The smallest children are too young toappreciate what other people are feeling. Nevertheless,visible cues like blood and crying signal that someone ishurt. Older children and teenagers are better able to putthemselves in their parents' positions. If a mother getsphysically hit, many can imagine how she feels.What children may thinkSome try hard to stay out of the way - below the radar -lest they become the next target. They may think, “will Iget in trouble, will I get yelled at, will I get hit, will I die?”Children who feel responsible for starting the “fight” arelikely to blame themselves for any negative consequencessuch as visible injury, arrest, incarceration, or one parentleaving the family. Some hope for rescue, perhaps by superheroes.Alison Cunningham & Linda Baker (2004).What About Me! Seeking to Understandthe Child's View of Violence in the Family.London ON: Centre for Children & Familiesin the Justice System. [www.lfcc.on.ca]Some children will blame their mother for doing whatevershe is being accused of by her partner, perhaps spendingtoo much money or not having dinner ready on time. Iftheir father was taken away by police on a previousoccasion, they wonder if it might happen again. His arrestis welcomed by a few but dreaded by others. Some childrenbelieve they themselves will be taken by the police, forbeing bad and causing the fight. Some are angry at theirmother for not stopping the “fight” to prevent the policefrom coming.Common misunderstandingsamong young children whosee violence at home• the man and the woman are equal partiesin what appears to be a “fight”“it's my fault they are fighting”• if there is no blood or other signsof injury, Mommy is not hurt• if Mommy is not crying, she is notupset or no longer upset• once the “fight” stops, everythinggoes back to normal• “if I try really hard to be good,they won't fight again”8
how violence against a mother shapes children as they growExamples of What TeenagersMay Think or Feelsadnessconfusionconcernfrustrationisolationguiltfearanxietyembarrassmentresignationvengefulworthlessnesshelplessnessresponsibilityangerworrypanicwhy is this happening again?why doesn't Mom just kick him out?Mom is going to get really hurt one dayI have problems too, but no oneseems to careI can't talk to anyone about thisI could have done something toprevent thishe might turn on me next or hurt meis this what my future relationshipswill be like?other families don't do this / theneighbours will hearthis is never going to stopI wish he would die or get hit by a busif they really cared about me, theywould stop thisthere is nothing I can do to helpmy momI have to protect my younger siblingsfrom this situationwhy does Mom let him treat her(and me) so badly?I don't want to move so I hope Momputs up with ithow will we afford to eat if Momleaves him?What children may be doingHiding, praying, wrapping pillows around their ears,humming, clutching teddies, hugging pets, wearingheadphones and turning up the music, concentratingintently on something else, pretending they aresomewhere else. Older children may shepherd the youngerones to a safe place and try to keep them calm. Someteenagers intervene in the “fight,” playing thepeacemaker, the referee, the rescuer, or the protector.Thoughts and feelings goon after the “fight” stopsNext morning, next week, next month - one thoughtremains: will it happen again? Being keen observers,little eyes watch for anything they believe (rightly orwrongly) to be triggers. Seeing beer or liquor bottlesmay unleash a flood of emotions. Adults know that alcoholdoes not cause violence but in some homes, alcohol andviolence seem to young eyes to go hand-in-hand. Littleears listen for raised voices or swearing and bad names.When violence has long been a feature of family life,children are hyper-sensitive to the cues and know when itis time to gather the younger kids and get out, or time tobe sad and afraid because it's the only thing they can do.Caroline McGee (2000). ChildhoodExperiences of Domestic Violence.London UK: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.9
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Page 44: References cited1. Linda Baker & Ly

Little eyes, little ears - Agence de la sante publique du Canada

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