Little eyes, little ears - Agence de la sante publique du Canada

how violence against a mother shapes children as they grow5. Unhealthy family rolescan evolve in homes withdomestic violenceRoles in abusive families reflect how each person adaptsand copes with the secret, confusing, and sometimesdangerous situation in which they live.Look on page 26 where we discuss family roles.8. A child's style ofcoping and survivalmay become problematicChildren's innate ability to adapt serves them well whentrapped with abuse, conflict, and violence. Strategiescan involve ideas (e.g., fantasizing about a better family);actions (e.g., running away); or, feelings (e.g., anger,guilt). Their actions and choices are survival skills:temporarily helpful adaptations to an unhealthy situation.But some, such as running away, create new problems.6. Abuse destroys a child'sview of the world as asafe and predictable placeWe list on page 7 some of the distorted messages childrenmight learn from living with woman abuse. They could alsolearn that you have to deal with your problems by yourself,adults don't keep their promises, bad things happen nomatter how hard I try to be good, and life is not fair. Incontrast, children who grow up with encouragement,fairness, and safety can approach life with enthusiasm andembrace new opportunities.7. Abuse co-occurs withother stresses and adversitieswith negative effectsResearch consistently documents how domestic violencealmost never stands alone as the only problem or stress9, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15in a family. Family dynamics will probably beaffected by one or more of these other problems: parentalsubstance abuse or alcoholism, criminal behaviour andpossible incarceration of a parent, mental illness, poverty,residential instability, unemployment, and child abuse orneglect. Children may believe that one of these otherissues is responsible for the abuse against their mother.Look on page 24 for a discussion of coping.9. Children may adopt some ofthe rationalizations for abuseMale rationalizations for abuse can include “I'm the man soI'm in charge” or “God demands that I keep the family inline.” A child believing these ideas could blame the womanfor her own victimization, see women as inferior, excusethe man's abusive behaviour, or even try to emulate him.Such a child could grow up to justify or accept abuse inintimate relationships, workplace settings, or with friends.10. Children can believe thatvictimization is inevitable or normalMessages conveyed by violence can teach tolerance ofabuse and discourage help seeking. Some women clearlystay with their partners out of fear, knowing they'd beseriously injured, stalked or killed. Some believe “all menare like that so the next one won't be any better” or that“things will get better when he finds a job.” Girls maydevelop low expectations of men or believe womenshouldn't expect happiness.11