Thich Nhat Hanh Jewish Roots The Better Way to Live Alone in the ...

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practicing WITH CHILDRENJoyful Purposeof the HeartBy Annie MahonWWhen I took refuge in the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Sanghamany years ago, I was given the dharma name “Joyful Purposeof the Heart.” At the time I didn’t think much about it. Frankly,the name didn’t mean much to me. Joyful Purpose? I had no ideawhat my joyful purpose might be. I had been practicing mindfulnessin a personal way, meditating by myself and reading bookson mindfulness. As a result, my life had been changing slowly.For example, I found myself having more patience for my kidsand a sense of calm inside myself. But I did not feel there was anypurpose to my life. I was living life aimlessly.After the events of September 11, everything changed. As Ilistened to the coverage of the crashes, I felt a sense of compassionand courage growing inside of me. Suddenly, interbeing—the ideathat every one of us is intimately connected to one another—wasa concrete reality rather than an abstract concept.Suddenly, interbeing — the ideathat every one of us is intimatelyconnected to one another — wasa concrete reality rather than anabstract concept.My own need for Sangha surfaced as I sought the support ofother people who could see the interbeing in this event and findthe connection between the victims and the terrorists. I began tosit regularly with the Stillwater Mindfulness Group in Maryland.I needed the support of other people for my growing mindfulnessand to be in an emotionally safe place. By joining fully in theSangha, I made the decision that mindfulness was my life path,and I began to live from this foundation.Around the same time I began to understand that living lifeaimlessly was not about living with no aim, but rather aboutliving without attachment to the outcome of our actions. In the36 Summer 2006Bhagavad-Gita, Krishna tells Arjuna, “Do thy work in the peaceof yoga and, free from selfish desires, be not moved in success orin failure… In the bonds of works I am free, because in them I amfree from desires.” I began to think that it might be okay to expressmy creativity through my work and even to do it with joy.Teaching PeaceI knew there was something I could do to transform the growinganger and mutual misunderstanding that led to the events ofSeptember 11. I had a talent for teaching children, and my studyand practice of mindfulness and my relationship with Thay gaveme insights into peace and conflict resolution.On September 14, I sent an e-mail to Coleman McCarthy, aformer Washington Post columnist turned peace activist, askinghow I could get involved in teaching peace and conflict resolutionin the Washington, D.C. public schools. His organization got me intouch with Marsha Blakeway who works with the public schools’peer mediation and conflict resolution programs. Marsha happilybecame my peace mentor, and I immediately began to assist herwith peer mediation meetings at Alice Deal Junior High.I also contacted my son’s third grade teacher and asked if shewould be interested in having me teach a weekly conflict resolutionclass. I had no experience in this area, but I had books andI had my new mentor and I had my mindfulness practice. Withthese tools I was able to fabricate a wonderful class in which Iused games, literature, discussion, and dramatization to help thirdgraders learn how to resolve disputes peacefully.At the end of my first month of teaching, I was approachedby another third grade teacher to teach in her classroom. Duringthe first year, I often wondered whether the kids were gettinganything out of the class. Then one day, my son had a friend overto visit. Both of them were in my conflict class at the time. Whenmy son did something that irritated me, I began to scold him. Hisfriend said, “Annie, use your ‘I’ language.” I had taught them todo this in our conflict class, and he not only remembered it, butalso applied it to real life. After that, I worried much less aboutthe impact of my teaching.Making Little YoginisIn the fall of 2002, I saw a notice for a program trainingpeople how to teach yoga to kids. I had long been a yogini andcontinued on page 39O
practicing WITH CHILDRENPresentlyMinding MyChildrenCindi Lardner with her oldest daughter, Emily, 16By Cynthia Marie-Martinovich LardnerOne of my core beliefs is that parenting, in and of itself, is a form ofmindfulness. My experience of mindfulness in the family, however,recently underwent a metamorphosis. This happened after goodseeds were watered at the 2005 Summer Family Retreat at MapleForest Monastery. The catalyst for this change was a bacterialinfection that dragged on for over three months.Before taking ill, I felt I was mindfully parenting my fourchildren: Maddie, 6, Patrick, 7, Nicole, 9, and Emily, 16. Thisincluded planning vacations, making plans with friends, keepingthe children involved in activities, and driving children to playdates. I was busy keeping us busy. This busy-ness disappeared,not by choice but because of the infection. For three months, Iwas fatigued, sore, and unable to engage in our usual whirlwindof activities. Inertia ruled many of my days. Helplessness, frustration,and guilt became emotional themes. Being a single motherexacerbated the situation.But I discovered, while often stuck in bed, a new repertoireof parenting skills: listening deeply, looking with compassion,and cuddling. Soon each child’s unique set of needs and strengthsemerged, traits I had not noticed while I was busy parenting.Children as TeachersNow I was not busy making plans, running errands, schedulingevents, talking to friends, logging on to the Internet, or tendingto thousands of other things. I only had time to be with my children,who were quite happy having my undivided attention.A deeper aspect of mindfulness had crystallized. I had learnedto be present with my children without other people, events, orprops. Sometimes my children were bored, but they were calmer,happier, and easier to be with.I began to take to heart Thay’s teachings on watering goodseeds so they can grow stronger and more available for use in ourdaily lives. I recalled how genuinely my children had enjoyedbeing with the monastics at the retreat. I realized it was becausethe monastics give their undivided attention to children: they aretruly present whether baking chocolate bread, collecting flowers,picking tomatoes, playing a game, or singing a song.I also learned from my children. Perhaps they were my bestteachers. My six-year-old daughter, Maddie, found a dragonflywith an injured wing. I watched as she gently picked it up ona stick and tried to feed it grass. Many adults walked by; a fewchildren also passed. They were too busy to stop. Then after awhile a small group gathered around Maddie. The dragonfly hadlong lacy wings and big blue-green eyes. Its legs were long andgraceful; they tickled Maddie’s little hand as it unsuccessfullystruggled to take flight. Maddie carefully placed the dragonfly ina flower garden. What a gift to be truly present with my daughterand to see her joy and laughter in such a simple thing!I played Lego with my son Patrick, which required me to payclose attention. I took time to understand my sixteen-year-oldEmily’s push for autonomy, and her need to struggle against me,something that required patience and energy.Breaking the High-Tech HabitAs a parent, it is hard to slow down and just be with my childrenin their world—not the world I created for them, which is alltoo often defined by schools, activities and events—but to be withthem in their world. In this high-tech era it is hard to disconnect:to turn the cell phone off, to leave the Palm Pilot home, to notcheck my e-mail or voice mail several times a day, to even let themail sit for a day. Research indicates many teenagers and adultsexperience distress even while on vacation if they do not haveaccess to the technological world left at home.Now, as I regain my health, I try to avoid a symbiotic relationshipwith these high-tech trappings. I have learned to say noto many opportunities that I would enjoy, even greatly benefitfrom professionally. I just want to focus on being a parent: beinga parent in a simpler way.Ajahn Chah said, “Everything is a hassle, everything is presentingobstacles—and everything is teaching you.” My intentionis to be fully present, with undivided attention, to these momentsin my daily life—and with my children.Cynthia Marie-Martinovich Lardner, Radiant Nourishmentof the Source, lives in Troy, Michigan. In addition to beinga mom, Cindi studies Tae Kwan Do, is learning to speakThai, and is looking forward to finishing her Master’sDegree in Counseling later this year.the Mindfulness Bell 37
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Page 18 and 19: wonderful MOMENTWalking meditation
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Page 22 and 23: wonderful MOMENTCarts& KoansBy John
Page 24 and 25: monastic INSIGHTOn the WayHomeBy Si
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Page 28 and 29: monastic INSIGHTKing Arthur and the
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Page 40 and 41: practicing WITH CHILDRENJoleah’s
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Page 44 and 45: sangha NEWSThere Is No Way toCommun
Page 46 and 47: ook REVIEWSThis TenderPlaceThe Stor
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