Tony Robbins -Re-Awaken_the_Giant_Within

or were you angry because they violated one of your rules? At the base of every emotional upset
you’ve ever had with another human being is a rules upset. Somebody did something, or failed to do
something, that violated one of your beliefs about what they must or should do.
For example, some people’s rule for respect is, “If you respect me, then you never raise your voice.” If
a person with whom you’re in a relationship suddenly starts to yell, you’re not going to feel respected if
this is your rule. You’re going to be angry because it has been violated. But your partner’s rule may be, “If
I’m respectful, then I’m truthful about all my feelings and all my emotions—good, bad, and indifferent—
and I express them with all my intensity in the moment.” Can you imagine the conflict these two people
can have?
Some people’s rule for handling upset is, “If you care about me, then you leave me alone and let me
deal with it my own way.” Other people’s rule is, “If somebody’s upset, and you care about them,
you immediately intervene to try to help.” This creates a tremendous conflict. Both people are trying
to accomplish the same thing, which is to respect and care about each other, but their rules dictate
different behaviors, and their rules of interpretation will make their actions seem adversarial rather than
supportive. So if you ever feel angry or upset with someone, remember, it’s your rules that are
upsetting you, not their behavior. This will help you to stop blaming them. You can get past your upset
quickly by first stopping and asking yourself, “Am I reacting to this, or am I responding to the situation
intelligently?” Then, communicate with that person right up front and say something like, “I’m sorry I
responded the way I did. It’s just that you and I have different rules about what we need to do in this
situation. My expectations are that if you respect me, you’ll do_______ and _______ . I know those aren’t
your rules. So please tell me what your rules are. How do you express respect, [love, caring, concern,
etc.]?” Once you’re both clear on what the other person wants, then you can make a deal. Ask them,
“Would you be willing to do _______ to make me feel respected? I’d be willing to do _______ for you.”
Any relationship—business or personal—can be instantly transformed just by getting clear on the rules
and making an agreement to play by them. After all, how can you ever hope to win a game if you don’t
even know the rules?
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