L&R June Magazine 2017

Empower the submissive ... and not act out power instead of the submissive and let
him/her lazily lean back in childish helplessness which is the opposite of helping a sub
grow which is a goal many Dominants and subs have. So to speak, an adult ego might
try to empower the "child ego" he/she is interacting with get into "adult ego state" as
well. In general, a recipe for working towards healthy communication is this: When you
hear a "parent ego" talk to you, try to respond in the "adult state" (and not in child ego
state), and when you have a "child ego" talk to you don't try to respond as "parent ego"
but as "adult ego" as well. We know that some Dominants want their subs responsible
and understanding in the adult position, while in some structures of D/s such as
DaddyDom/baby girl the parental and childish transactional roles might be intended
and consciously developed. Even in other forms of D/s relationships quite many
submissives tend to live their "inner child" - at least once and again - and enjoy doing
so. Different relationships actually thrive on the different transactional roles. It belongs
to the great freedoms of D/s lifestyle that we can chose, based on consent with the
partner(s) involved. It is possible that achieving a "healthy position" is possible for a
specific Dom and a sub when they talk "parent to child and child to parent" during
some time. I nevertheless doubt that it is possible for them to maintain a stabile bond
of D/s and communicate effectively in a healthy way if they did this for a longer time,
without taking the positions "adult to adult".in their communication.
4 Conclusion
On assuming that we strive for healthy communication with all communication
partners involved being in the "I am okay . You are okay" condition, it becomes clear
that communication requires a lot of reflectivity of our own chosen words and
transactional position, the same as the reflectivity of the other's words and his/her
transactional position. Several submissives seem to seek something parental in the
Dominant and tend to react from child position, living their "inner child" freely and
enjoyably in their D/s relationship if the Dominant is a good match. The question at
hand is: Wouldn't it be better if the Dom tried to communicate as adult and not as
parent, in order to not get a "child response" but the reaction of an "adult"? it is clear
that as grown-ups and adult people we do not need to copy our parents ... as adults
we have our own individuality, minds and knowledge and experience of ourselves. But
we need to be aware that even without intention we might transact in the child position
or parents position.
In D/s context specifically, we need to be aware that it might be a deep need of a sub
to be accepted and communicate taking the "child position", as well as it might be a
need of a Dominant to be "paternal", and that the healthy position "I am okay - You are
okay" could be achieved even without both communicating from the adult to adult
transactional positions. Furthermore, such transactions could reinforce the relationship
roles of Dom and sub and deepen the feeling of ongoing enslavement. .