Vegas Voice 7-17 web

Marty’s Top Ten
By: Marty Allen / Hello Dere
1
. You know you have a
problem when you meet
a friend on the street and he
says: “How are you?” and your
answer is “Why, what did you hear?”
2. Family Values thought: How come children grow up so fast – but
leave home so slow?
3. You know you are at a wealthy person’s home when you flush the
toilet and you see a rainbow!
4. Bill tells his friend Fred: “I met this very attractive girl but she’s not
that bright. She spent all weekend reading my four T shirts!”
5. A certain Congressman is taking on the American Orthopedic
Society. He wants to know why artificial limbs cost an arm and a leg.
6. Therapist: “What makes you think you have multiple personalities?”
Patient responds: “You talking to us?”
7. A fool and his money get to meet a lot of great women.
8. It is very unwise for a husband to say to his wife: “How can you
blame me for our marital problems? I’m never home!”
9. A veterinarian and a taxidermist went into business together. Their
sales pitch: “Either way, you get your pet back.”
10. What does a woman; a tornado and a bank have in common? Any
one of them can get your house!
For over the past decade, Marty Allen has performed with his on
and off stage singing partner Karon Kate Blackwell.
Politically Incorrect Humor
By: Bill Caserta / Bill’s Blurbs
Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't
kissed his wife for twenty years, but he
will kill any man who does.
*Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him
walk.
*The man phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.
"Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is going to
have a baby!" "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speaking."
*"Bob," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you
improve your wife's appearance?"
"It surely did. " Replied Bob. "But it keeps falling off!"
*John: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock
in the morning. I can't break her of it. Paul: What on earth is she
doing at that time? John: Waiting for me to come home.
*Phil went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came
out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Phil. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
* To my non-Jewish friends, this may explain a lot. To my Jewish
friends, just nod in agreement.
Things I Didn't Learn in Hebrew School
1.The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with
marijuana.
2. No meal is complete without leftovers.
3. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be
eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
4. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
5. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created
Nordstrom’s.
6. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
7. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice
cruise?
8. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
9. Spring ahead; fall back - winters in Boca.
10. WASP's leave and never say good-bye; Jews say good-bye and
never leave.
11. Always whisper the names of diseases.
12. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
13. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
14. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can
afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
15. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating
dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida.
And one final thought. What do you call a man who knows how
to control a wife? Answer: A bachelor.
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July 2017
Bill Caserta is the Project Director for The Vegas Voice and
has a very “unique” sense of humor. He welcomes all funny
submissions at: bill@thevegasvoice.net.
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