Jackie's Cookbook 6x9 060519 w Bleed

TASTY RECIPES & TASTELESS JOKES • TASTY RECIPES & TASTELESS JOKES 

TASTY RECIPES & TASTELESS JOKES 

TASTY RECIPES & TASTELESS JOKES 

TASTY RECIPES & TASTELESS JOKES • TASTY RECIPES & TASTELESS JOKES

To my friends who encouraged this 

bunch of shenanigans... 

Here’s to the wine we love to drink, 

and the food we like to eat. 

Here’s to our wives and 

sweethearts, let’s pray they 

never meet. 

Here’s champagne for our real 

friends 

And real pain for 

our sham friends. 

And when this life is over, may all 

of us find peace.

A Word from JJ 

I always ask people do they excel in style class or character. 

After reviewing these pages, you can guess that 

there’s a fourth category. Just a character with some 

style. As I am aging, I am beginning to pay attention to 

my bucket list. Recently, I did an open mic at a stand-up 

comedy club and I got away with it. One of the things 

I always wanted to do was write a cookbook and share 

food jokes with my friends and family. The people who 

are used to my off-color sense of humor and still hang 

around, you make my life a pleasure. And for those who 

can’t take a joke, well you know what I say to that! Drink 

up, friends, enjoy! 

When I was single for 26 years, I learned how to cook for 

self-preservation. I have cooked and served every recipe 

in this book. I’ve included my food jokes in here as well; 

they are not intended to imply racism or insult you, nor 

offend you. It’s just my off-color humor for a smile or 

snicker. I have requested my friends favorite recipes, 

and they have responded that I can use them as long as I 

don’t use their real names! 

I anticipate that I will become wealthy and a celebrity 

on the Food Network, but I will stay humble and still say 

hello to the people I know as I pass. 

JJ Sully 

Boca Grande, FL 

2019 

Page 3

A son puts his father in a nursing 

home. He is terribly broken up 

about it but, he has no choice. His 

dad needs help. So after the first 

night the son immediately calls 

him in the morning and asks him 

how did it go? The father says, 

“Son, it wasn’t so bad. They gave us 

wine and Viagra.” 

He gets off the phone with his 

father and he immediately calls the 

director of the home. He says, “My 

dad says you gave them all wine 

and Viagra. The director says, “Yes, 

we find that works.” The son asked 

what is that all about? 

The director says,

“Well with the wine 

they reminisce, and 

with the Viagra, it 

keeps them from falling 

out of bed.” 

Beef Bacon Rolls 

1 1/2 pounds lean top sirloin 

1 pound bacon 

1 cup chopped onion 

1 1/3 cups butter 

Cut the beef into strips that are approximately 1-inch wide and 

the same length or close to the length of the bacon strip, about 

1/8-inch thick. 

Make the beef bacon rolls by laying a strip of bacon on a strip of 

beef and rolling the two meats together so that the beef is on the 

outside when you finish rolling. Insert a toothpick so that it goes 

in on the bottom left side and comes out the top right side when 

looked at vertically. 

In large skillet, saute onions in butter until tender, about 5 minutes. 

Lay a single layer of beef bacon rolls in the skillet. Brown 

them on medium heat, turning once or twice, about 5 minutes. 

Cover the skillet and simmer for about 2 hours. 

Page 6

Sister Helen’s Meatloaf 

2 pounds ground round steak 

2 eggs 

1-1/2 cups bread crumbs 

3/4 cup ketchup 

1 tsp Accent 

1/2 cup warm water 

1 pkg Lipton’s onion soup mix 

8 oz can tomato sauce 

2 strips bacon 

Instructions 

Mix all ingredients 

thoroughly, except for 

tomato sauce. 

Put into loaf pan. 

Cover with 2 strips bacon. 

Pour the tomato sauce over 

all. 

Bake 1 to 1-1/2 hours at 350 

degrees.

Do you know what happens at 

gay barbeques? 

Luscious Chopped Steak 

Ingredients 

1/2 pound lean ground beef chuck 

2 green onions, 3 inches of green left on, thinly sliced 

1 tablespoon chopped flat-leaf parsley 

2 teaspoons fresh lemon juice 

2 teaspoons soy sauce, plus extra for cooking 

Salt 

Freshly ground black pepper 

1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil 

Directions 

In a bowl, gently combine ground beef, green onions, parsley, lemon 

juice and soy sauce. Season with salt and pepper. Form into 2 

patties, about 3 inches in diameter and 1 1/2 inches thick. 

Heat olive oil in a nonstick skillet over medium heat. Cook patties 

for 6 minutes on the first side, then turn and cook for 4 minutes on 

the second side for medium. Brush the patties on the second side 

with some soy sauce. 

Serve immediately with sliced tomatoes, if desired, and lemon herb 

couscous. 

You have to bring your own wieners.

Filet Mignon with Madeira Sauce 

INGREDIENTS 

4 (1 1/2 to 2 pounds) center-cut tenderloin filets, 2 1/2 inches thick 

Coarse salt 

Freshly ground black pepper 

2 tablespoons canola oil 

1/2 stick (4 tablespoons) unsalted butter, half of it kept cold and cut 

into cubes 

1 sprig rosemary 

1 sprig thyme 

2 tablespoons minced shallots 

1/4 cup Madeira 

2 cups chicken stock or low-sodium chicken broth 

1 tablespoon Dijon-style mustard 

DIRECTIONS 

Remove the filets from the refrigerator 30 minutes before cooking and season 

with salt and pepper to taste. 

Heat the oil in a heavy-bottomed saute pan or skillet over medium-high heat. 

Add the filets and sear 3 to 4 minutes per side. Add 2 tablespoons of the butter 

and the rosemary and thyme sprigs to the pan and reduce the heat to medium-low. 

Cook an additiona l0 minutes for rare, 18 minutes for medium-rare and 

20 minutes for medium, depending on the thickness of the filets. (An instant-read 

thermometer inserted into the center of the meat should register 125 to 130 degrees 

for rare, 140 degrees for medium-rare and 155 degrees for medium.) 

While the steaks are cooking, baste continually with the butter-oil mixture in the 

pan, taking care not to let the butter brown. Transfer to a platter and cover loosely 

with aluminum foil to keep the filets warm. 

Pour off all but 2 tablespoons of the fat from the pan. Add the shallots and cook, 

stirring, for 2 minutes. Add the Madeira and cook, scraping up any flavorful bits 

that are stuck to the pan. Add the stock or broth, increase the heat to high and 

cook for 12 to 15 minutes or until the liquid has reduced by three-quarters and is 

lightly thickened and nicely flavored. 

Strain the sauce through a fine-mesh sieve, discarding the herbs and shallots. Return 

the sauce to the pan over medium-low heat and whisk in the mustard, then 

the remaining 2 tablespoons butter, 1 cube at a time. Add salt and pepper to taste. 

Serve each filet on a warmed dinner plate with some sauce spooned over it. 

Page 9

Hong Kong Flank Steak 

INGREDIENTS 

¼ cup soy sauce 

¼ cup dry sherry 

1 Tbsp minced fresh ginger 

1 Tbsp finely minced garlic 

1 Tbsp Asian sesame oil 

1 Tbsp peanut oil 

1 Tbsp honey 

1 Tbsp rice vinegar 

2 tsp Asian chili oil 

Salt and freshly ground black pepper, to taste 

1 flank steak (about 2 lb) 

2 Tbsp chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley, for garnish 

PREPARATION 

Combine the marinade ingredients in shallow bowl. Add the flank 

steak; coat well. Marinate, covered, for 8 hours or overnight in the 

refrigerator, turning once or twice. Remove from the refrigerator 30 

minutes before grilling. (Be sure to scrape any ginger or garlic bits 

off the steak.) 

Cook over high heat on a well-oiled grill, 3 inches from the heat 

source, for 4 minutes per side for medium-rare meat. Remove to a 

cutting board and let rest for 10 minutes before slicing. 

Slice the steak thinly on the diagonal and arrange on a platter. 

Sprinkle with the chopped parsley and serve. 

Page 10

Orange Marinated Flank Steak 

INGREDIENTS 

1 Flank Steak - about 2 lbs 

⅓ cup orange marmalade 

⅛ cup soy sauce 

2 tsp ground ginger 

4oz Italian salad dressing 

⅓ cup brown sugar 

¼ cup water 

1 tbsp grated orange rind 

⅛ cup orange juice 

Dash of garlic powder 

PREPARATION 

Place the meat in a glass or plastic bowl 

Combine all the remaining marinade ingredients and pour over the 

meat 

Cover. Marinate the steak overnight or longer 

Barbecue over red hot coals 15 minutes per side, basting frequently 

with the marinade. 

Slice thinly against the grain and serve immediately. 

Good served with hot buttered noodles and a tossed green salad. 

Page 11

Beef Tenderloin Steaks on Potato Galettes 

with Mustard Sauce 

INGREDIENTS 

4 tablespoons (1/2 stick) unsalted butter 

1/2 cup plus 1 tablespoon chopped shallots 

1/2 cup dry white wine 

2 cups chicken stock or canned low-salt chicken broth 

1 cup beef stock or canned beef broth 

1 12-ounce russet potato, peeled, grated, drained well 

1/2 cup fresh white breadcrumbs made from French bread 

2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley 

3 tablespoons olive oil 

2 6-ounce beef tenderloin steaks (about 1 inch thick) 

1 tablespoon coarse-grained mustard 

PREPARATION 

Melt 2 tablespoons butter in heavy medium saucepan over medium-high 

heat. Add 1/2 cup shallots and sauté 4 minutes. Add wine 

and boil 1 minute. Add both stocks and boil until reduced to 2/3 

cup, about 28 minutes. (Sauce can be prepared 1 day ahead. Cool 

slightly. Cover and refrigerate.) 

Preheat oven to 200°F. Mix potato, breadcrumbs, 1 tablespoon parsley 

and remaining 1 tablespoon shallots in medium bowl. Sprinkle 

with salt and pepper. 

Heat 2 tablespoons oil in large nonstick skillet over medium heat. 

Mound potato mixture in skillet in 2 portions, dividing evenly. Using 

metal spatula, press each into 5-inch oval. Cook until bottom is 

brown and crisp, about 10 minutes. Turn and cook until second side 

browns, about 5 minutes. Transfer galettes to baking sheet. Keep 

warm in oven. 

Page 12

Heat 1 tablespoon oil in heavy medium skillet over medium-high heat. 

Sprinkle steaks with salt and pepper. Add to skillet; cook to desired 

doneness, about 4 minutes per side for medium-rare. 

Transfer steaks to plate (do not clean skillet). Add sauce to skillet and 

bring to boil, scraping up browned bits. Mix in mustard. 

Remove from heat. Add remaining 2 tablespoons butter and whisk just 

until melted. 

Place potato galettes on plates. Top each with 1 steak. Spoon sauce over. 

Sprinkle with remaining 1 tablespoon parsley and serve. 

Page 13

Veal Piccata 

INGREDIENTS 

1/2 cup all purpose flour 

2 teaspoons salt 

1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper 

4 veal scallops, about 3/4 pound, pounded to a thickness of 1/8-inch 

1 1/2 tablespoons vegetable oil 

5 tablespoons butter 

1 cup dry white wine 

1/2 cup chicken stock 

1 garlic clove, chopped 

1 lemon, juiced, or more to taste, (about 2 tablespoons) 

2 tablespoon capers, drained 

1 tablespoon chopped parsley leaves, optional, plus sprigs for garnish 

PREPARATION 

Directions In a shallow bowl or plate combine the flour, 1 1/2 

teaspoons of the salt and pepper and stir to combine thoroughly. 

Quickly dredge the veal scallops in the seasoned flour mixture, 

shaking to remove any excess flour. 

Heat the oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat until very hot 

but not smoking. 

Add 1 1/2 tablespoons of the butter and, working quickly and in 

batches if necessary, cook the veal until golden brown on both sides, 

about 1 minute per side. 

Transfer to a plate and set aside. 

Deglaze the pan with wine and bring to a boil, scraping to remove 

any browned bits from the bottom of the pan. When the wine has 

reduced by half, add the chicken stock, chopped garlic, lemon juice 

and capers and cook for 5 minutes, or until the sauce has thickened 

slightly. 

Whisk in the remaining 1/2 teaspoon of salt, remaining 3 1/2 tablespoons 

of butter and the chopped parsley. 

When the butter has melted, return the veal scallops to the pan and 

cook until heated through and the sauce has thickened, about 1 

minute. 

Garnish with parsley sprigs and serve immediately 

Page 14

Rolled Steak Stuffed with Asparagus 

Ingredients 

3 -4 lbs flank steaks, butterflied, opened 

1 lb fresh asparagus 

2 tablespoons horseradish 

2 tablespoons minced garlic 

Directions 

Wash and break off the woody ends of the asparagus. 

Dry with paper towels. 

Spread horseradish and garlic on the steak. 

Arrange asparagus spears in a single row over spread. 

Roll tightly and tie. 

Roast in oven at 350 degrees for 1 hour. Remove from oven and let 

stand 10 minutes before slicing. 

Page 15

Peppered Rib Eye Steaks 

INGREDIENTS 

3 teaspoons garlic powder 

3 teaspoons dried thyme 

2 teaspoons ground black pepper 

1 1⁄2 teaspoons salt 

1 1⁄2 teaspoons lemon pepper 

1 1⁄2 ground red pepper 

1 1⁄2 teaspoons dried parsley 

6 rib eye steaks, 1 1/2 inch thick 

3 tablespoons olive oil 

DIRECTIONS 

Combine garlic powder, thyme, black pepper, salt, lemon pepper, 

red pepper, and parsley. 

Brush the steaks with oil. 

Rub steaks with the combined seasonings. 

Place steaks in a large pan. 

Cover and refrigerate for 1 hour. 

Grill the steaks over medium-high heat for 6-8 minutes on each 

side (or to your desired doneness) 

Page 16

Prime Rib Steaks with Roasted Shallots and 

Butter Sauce 

INGREDIENTS 

2 tablespoons unsalted butter 

1 4-lb, 2 rib prime rib roast cut between bones into 2 steaks 

12 small shallots, peeled and halved through root end 

½ cup dry white wine 

6 tablespoons chilled unsalted butter, cut into tablespoon sized 

pieces 

Salt and freshly ground pepper 

DIRECTIONS 

Preheat oven to 350 F. Melt 1 tablespoon butter in each of 2 heavy 

large ovenproof skillets over medium high heat. Add 1 steak and 

half of shallots to each skillet and brown steaks well, about 2 minutes 

per side. Bake steaks to desired degree of doneness, about 20 

minutes for medium rare. 

Page 17

Supreme Corned Beef Hash 

INGREDIENTS 

1 clove garlic 

1/4 cup onion, chopped 

1 3 ounce can mushrooms, sliced 

1 1/2 - 2 tablespoons butter 

1 can corned beef hash, crumbled 

1/3 cup sour cream 

2 tablespoons water 

2 tablespoons fresh parsley, minced 

2 medium tomatoes, sliced 1/4’ thick 

parmesan cheese, grated 

DIRECTIONS 

Saute garlic, onion and mushrooms in butter until tender - not 

brown. Add hash, brown well. Combine sour cream, water and 

parsley. Stir in hash mixture. top with tomato slices. Cook covered 

over medium heat 5 minutes. Sprinkle with cheese. 

An Irish fellow stops at a bar at 3pm. He orders 3 shots and 3 beers. 

He has been doing this for several weeks finally the bartender 

comes over and asks why do you come here everyday at 3pm to do 

this? What’s that all about? He says, “I have two other brothers one 

is an Ireland, the other is in Punta Gorda. Basically whatever they’re 

doing at 3pm, we all stop and go to a bar and we toast each other 

in the family.” The bartender says, “Wow, that’s quite a tradition!” A 

week later he comes at 2pm, and he says, “I’ll have two beers and 

two shots. The bartender says, “Oh my god, did one of your brothers 

die?” He says, “No, I quit drinking.” 

Page 18

Strip Steaks with Rosemary Butter 

Ingredients 

1/2 cup butter, softened 

1 tablespoon fresh rosemary 

2 teaspoon grated lemon rind, divided 

Salt and pepper to taste 

1 tablespoon dried Italian seasoning 

1 1/2 tablespoon olive oil 

2 garlic cloves, minced 

1 teaspoon pepper 

1/2 teaspoon salt 

4 (6-oz.) beef strip steaks (1/2 inch thick) 

Directions 

Stir together butter, rosemary, 1 tsp. grated lemon rind, and salt and 

pepper to taste. Cover and chill until ready to serve. 

Combine Italian seasoning and next 4 ingredients in a small bowl. 

Stir in remaining 1 tsp. lemon rind. Rub mixture over steaks. Cover 

and chill 1 hour. 

Grill steaks, covered with grill lid, over medium-high heat (350° to 

400°) 3 to 4 minutes on each side or to desired degree of doneness. 

Serve with butter.

An elderly man goes to his doctor 

to have his penis examined. The 

doctor says, “Oh my gosh! I’ve 

never seen anyone with an orange 

penis! Has something changed in 

your life?” He said, “Yeah about 

a month ago my wife died.” The 

doctor looks in all of his medical 

journals, and he finds nothing 

about orange penises. So he simply 

gives the man a prescription for 

antibiotics and tells him to come 

back in a week. In a week, the 

man comes back and still his penis 

is orange.

The doctor says, “I don’t understand, 

nothing has changed. What is your 

routine like? The man says, “Same 

thing every day since my wife died. 

I just sit around watching porn and 

eating Cheetos.” 

Slow Cooker Pot Roast With Vegetables 

Ingredients 

1 tsp salt 

1/4 to 1/2 tsp black pepper 

1/4 tsp paprika (I used Hungarian sweet from Penzey’s) 

3 to 3 1/2 pounds boneless chuck roast, trimmed of fat and patted 

dry (I actually used a 4 pound brisket) 

1 rib celery chopped 

1 onion, cut in wedges 

2-3 carrots, peeled and sliced 

2-3 parsnips, peeled and sliced (optional, but kids often love the 

sweetness!) 

4 potatoes, cut into 8 pieces (I used small red potatoes which fell 

apart, but were still good) 

1 cup beef broth (I keep “Better than Bullion” in my refrigerator) 

Directions 

1. Mix salt, pepper and paprika. Rub it on all sides of the meat. Put 

the veggies into the slow cooker with the potatoes on top. Put the 

meat on top of the potatoes, and pour the broth over. 

2. Cover and cook on low for 8 to 9 hours. 

3. I usually let it cool for a while in the slow-cooker. I then take it 

out and put it in another pot. I cover it and cool it overnight in the 

frig. Then, the next day I skim off the chilled fat. I then cut the meat 

in slices and reheat it in the pot with the gravy. 

Page 21

Steak Salad Sandwiches with Capers 

INGREDIENTS 

2 cups 1/2-inch cubes cooked steak (about 1 pound) 

2 tablespoons drained capers 

2 tablespoons chopped cornichons or gherkin pickles 

2 tablespoons minced red onion 

1 tablespoon Dijon mustard 

5 tablespoons mayonnaise 

8 1/2-inch-thick slices olive or rosemary country-style bread (each 

about 3x5 inches) 

8 large tomato slices 

2 small bunches arugula, trimmed 

PREPARATION 

Combine cooked steak, capers, cornichons, red onion, Dijon mustard, 

and 2 tablespoons mayonnaise in medium bowl; toss to blend. 

Season salad with salt and pepper. (Can be prepared 6 hours ahead. 

Cover and refrigerate.) 

Arrange bread on work surface. Spread slices with remaining 3 

tablespoons mayonnaise. Divide steak salad among 4 bread slices. 

Top salad on each with 2 tomato slices and 1/4 of arugula. 

Press second bread slice, mayonnaise side down, onto each sandwich. 

Cut sandwiches diagonally in half and serve. 

Page 22

Pork Rib Roast with Rosemary and Garlic 

Roast 

2 cups kosher salt or 1 cup table salt 

2 cups packed dark brown sugar 

10 large garlic cloves, lightly crushed and peeled 

5 sprigs fresh rosemary 

1 bone-in, center cut 4-pound pork rib roast with chine bone 

cracked, preferably from the rib end 

Garlic-Rosemary Paste & Jus 

8 medium garlic cloves, minced to a paste 

1 1/2 tablespoons coarsely chopped fresh rosemary 

1 tablespoon olive oil 

Salt and pepper 

1 cup dry white wine 

1 large shallot, minced 

1 1/2 teaspoons minced fresh rosemary 

1 3/4 cups chicken broth 

2 tablespoons butter 

For the Roast 

Dissolve the salt and brown sugar in 1 1/2 quarts of hot tap water 

in a large stockpot. Stir in garlic and rosemary. Add 2 1/2 quarts of 

cold water and submerge the meat and bones in the brine. Refrigerate 

until fully seasoned, about 3 hours. Rinse the meat and ribs 

under cold water and dry thoroughly with paper towels. 

For the Paste and Jus 

While the roast brines, mix the garlic, chopped rosemary, olive oil. 

1/8 teaspoon salt and 1 teaspoon pepper in a small bowl to form a 

paste; set aside. 

A guy is talking to a black dude, and he says, “Adam and Eve were 

white”. The black guy says, “How that be?” The white guy says, You 

blacks ain’t giving up your ribs.” 

Page 24

When the roast is out of the brine, adjust an oven rack to the middle 

position and heat the oven to 325 degrees. Heat a heavy-bottomed 12- 

inch skillet over medium heat until hot. Place the roast, fat side down, 

in the skillet and cook until well browned, about 8 minutes. Transfer 

the roast, browned side up, to a rimmed baking sheet and set aside. 

Pour off the fat from the skillet and add the wine. Increase the heat to 

high and bring to a boil, scraping the skillet with a wooden spoon until 

the browned bits are loosened. Set the skillet aside. 

Make a lengthwise incision in the pork loin and rub with one-third of 

the garlic-rosemary paste. Rub the remaining paste on the cut side of 

the ribs where the meat was attached. Tie the meat to the ribs; sprinkle 

the browned side of the roast with 1 teaspoon pepper. Pour the 

reserved wine and browned bits from the skillet into the roasting pan. 

Roast, basting the loin with the pan drippings every 20 minutes, until 

the center of the loin registers about 140 degrees on an instant-read 

thermometer, 65 to 80 minutes. (If the wine evaporates, add 1/2 cup 

water to the roasting pan to prevent scorching.) Transfer the roast to 

a carving board and tent loosely with foil. Let stand until the center of 

the loin registers about 140 degrees on an instant-read thermometer, 

about 15 minutes. 

While the roast rests, spoon most of the fat from the roasting pan and 

place the pan over 2 burners at high heat. Add the shallot and minced 

rosemary. Scrape up the browned bits with a wooden spoon and boil 

the liquid until reduced by half and the shallot has softened, about 2 

minutes. Add the chicken broth and continue to cook, stirring occasionally, 

until reduced by half, about 8 minutes. Add any accumulated 

pork juices and cook 1 minute longer. Off the heat, whisk in the butter 

1 tablespoon at a time. Strain the jus into a gravy boat or small bowl. 

Cut the twine on the roast and remove the meat from the bones. Set the 

meat, browned side up, on a board and cut it into 1/4-inch-thick slices. 

Page 25

Grilled Jerk Marinated Pork Kebabs 

INGREDIENTS 

2 tablespoons minced jalapeño pepper (about 1) 

1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar 

1 tablespoon low-sodium soy sauce 

1 teaspoon dried thyme 

1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon 

1/2 teaspoon ground red pepper 


1/4 teaspoon ground allspice 

1 (1-pound) pork tenderloin, trimmed and cut into 1-inch cubes 

2 cups cherry tomatoes 

1 cup (1-inch) pineapple pieces 

1 green bell pepper, cut into 1-inch pieces 

1 small red onion, cut into 1/2-inch pieces 

Cooking spray 

1/4 teaspoon kosher salt 

DIRECTIONS 

Combine jalapeño and next 8 ingredients (through pork) in a large 

zip-top plastic bag. Seal; marinate in refrigerator 1 1/2 hours, turning 

bag occasionally. 

Prepare grill. 

Remove pork from bag; discard marinade. Thread pork, tomatoes, 

pineapple, bell pepper, and onion alternately onto each of 8 (12- 

inch) wooden skewers. Place on a grill rack coated with cooking 

spray, and grill 10 minutes, turning once. Sprinkle with salt. 

Page 26

Walnut Crusted Pork Chops with Autumn 

Vegetable Wild Rice 

For the pork: 

Four 8-ounce bone-in center-cut pork chops, trimmed (or 7-ounce 

boneless chops) 

1 1/2 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce 


1/2 teaspoon dried sage 


1/3 cup walnuts, finely ground 

1 bacon slice 

1/4 cup fat-free, less-sodium chicken broth 

For the rice: 

Cooking spray 

1 cup finely chopped onion 

1/2 cup diced carrot 

2 teaspoons diced, seeded jalapeño pepper 

1 garlic clove, minced 

1 1/2 cups finely trimmed chopped Swiss chard 

1 cup sliced cremini mushrooms 

1 cup chopped peeled Granny Smith apple 

2 cups cooked wild rice 

1/2 cup fat-free, less-sodium chicken broth 

1/4 cup chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley 

Directions 

1.To prepare pork, place chops in a shallow dish; drizzle evenly with 

Worcestershire. Combine salt, sage, and black pepper in a small 

bowl. Reserve 3/4 teaspoon salt mixture. Add walnuts to remaining 

salt mixture; toss well. Press walnut mixture onto both sides of pork 

chops. Cover and refrigerate 30 minutes. 

A little old man slowly strolls into the ice cream shop. As he approaches 

the counter, he struggles to get up onto the barstool. The 

little girl working the counter, asks him for his order. He says he’d 

like an ice cream sundae. She asks, “Crushed nuts?” He says, “No. 

Hemorrhoids.” 

Page 27

2.Cook bacon slice in a large nonstick skillet over medium heat until 

crisp. Remove bacon from pan; crumble. Add pork chops to drippings 

in pan; cook 1 1/2 minutes on each side or until lightly browned. Add 

3/4 cup chicken broth to pan. Cover, reduce heat, and cook for 6 minutes 

or until desired degree of doneness. Remove pork from pan. 

3.To prepare rice, heat a large saucepan over medium heat. Coat pan 

with cooking spray. Add onion and next 3 ingredients (through garlic) 

to pan; cover and cook 5 minutes or until onion is tender. Stir in reserved 

3/4 teaspoon salt mixture, chard, mushrooms, and apple. Cover 

and cook 5 minutes or until carrot is tender. Stir in rice and 1/2 cup 

broth. Bring to a simmer; cook, uncovered 5 minutes or until liquid is 

absorbed. Stir in bacon. 

4.Place 1 cup rice mixture on each of 4 plates; top each serving with 1 

pork chop. Drizzle each serving with pan drippings, and sprinkle each 

with 1 tablespoon parsley. 

Page 28

Pork Chops with Apples and Garlic 

Smashed Potatoes 

1 pound small fingerling potatoes 

2 cloves garlic 

Kosher salt 

4 1/2-inch-thick boneless pork loin chops (5 ounces each) 

2 teaspoons chopped fresh sage 

Freshly ground pepper 

1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil 

1 large red onion, cut into 1/2-inch wedges 

2 Granny Smith apples, cut into 1/2-inch pieces 

3/4 cup apple cider 

1/4 cup buttermilk 

Directions 

Put the potatoes and garlic in a saucepan, cover with cold water and 

season with salt. Cover and bring to a boil, then uncover and continue 

cooking until tender, about 15 minutes. Cover and set aside. 

Meanwhile, rub both sides of the pork chops with the sage, and salt 

and pepper to taste. Heat a large cast-iron skillet over high heat, 

then add 1 teaspoon olive oil and sear the chops until golden on 

both sides, about 5 minutes total. Transfer to a plate. Wipe out the 

skillet and add the remaining 2 teaspoons olive oil. Add the onion 

and apples and cook over medium-high heat until lightly browned, 

about 5 minutes. Season with salt and pepper and stir in the cider. 

Return the chops to the skillet. Cover and cook, turning once, until 

just cooked through, 4 to 5 minutes. Drain the potatoes, reserving 

1/4 cup liquid. Return the potatoes to the pan; add the buttermilk 

and mash, adding cooking liquid as needed. Season with salt and 

pepper. Serve with the pork chops, onion and apples. Drizzle with 

the pan juices. 

What is the difference between Jiu-Jitsu and Judo? Jiu-Jitsu is the art 

of self-defense, Judo is what you make bagels out of. 

Page 29

Shrimp Scampi 

INGREDIENTS 

2 teaspoons olive oil 

28 large shrimp, peeled and deveined (about 1 1/2 pounds) 


1/3 cup Sauvignon Blanc or other dry white wine 



1/4 cup chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley 

1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice 

DIRECTIONS 

Heat oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add shrimp; sauté 

1 minute. Add garlic; sauté 1 minute. Stir in wine, salt, and pepper; 

bring mixture to a boil. Reduce heat to medium; cook 30 seconds. 

Add parsley and juice; toss well to coat. Cook 1 minute or until 

shrimp are done. 

Luigi is going against the Russians in a world wrestling match. 

His coach says, “Luigi we’re so proud of you. You’ve come so far! 

But remember, watch out for that pretzel hold. The Russians are 

famous for that pretzel hold!” Luigi gets into the ring and sure 

enough, his Russian opponent gets him into the pretzel hold. The 

coach screams, “Oh no, Luigi! It’s over, you’re finished!” and bows 

his head in defeat. But then, the coach hears a high pitched scream 

then hollering and clapping and he looks up, and Luigi has escaped 

the hold and pinned the Russian and won the match! Shocked, the 

coach hollers, “How did you do it?” The wrestler answered, “Well, I 

was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, 

I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front 

of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I 

stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.” 

The trainer exclaimed, “Oh, so that’s what finished him off?!!” 

“Not really. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your 

own balls.” 

Page 31

A husband and wife 

are at Walmart and get 

separated. The husband 

starts yelling, “Crisco 

Crisco.” 

Shrimp a la Pepino 

Ingredients 

8 ounce lemon juice freshly squeezed 

2 ounce lime juice freshly squeezed 

5 lb 16/20 shrimp 

2 garlic cloves 

1 pint Pompeii olive oil 

4 oz dry vermouth 

Salt 

Pepper 

Directions 

Crush garlic cloves in frying pan. Add one pint of olive oil. Heat 

to boil then add shrimp. Stir often, add salt and pepper. Cook for 

10 to 12 minutes. Shrimp should turn pink. And lemon and lime 

juice and vermouth, salt and pepper. Bring to boil and then stir. For 

gravy to thicken, it may take 10 to 15 minutes depending how much 

heat you have. Stir often. Sample juice, salt and Pepper. To ensure 

good results, Chef must have a cold Bud while cooking. 

The manager hears this and approaches the husband 

and asks, “Are you looking for Crisco? It’s on aisle 3.” The 

husband says, “No, I’m looking for my wife.” The manager 

says, “Oh is her name Crisco?” The man says, No.” 

The manager asks, “Well, what do you all her at home?” 

The husband says, “Lard ass.” 

Page 32

A little old lady goes to Walmart and she 

orders 3 cans of dog food. The cashier says 

I’m sorry ma’am but you’re going to have 

to prove that you have a dog. The 

government thinks that you older people 

are starting to eat dog food. So she goes 

home and gets the dog, and the cashier 

allows her to buy the dog food. 

The next week she comes back and she gets 

4 cans of cat food. The cashier does the 

same thing and says I’m sorry you’re going 

to have to prove you also have a cat. She 

comes home and gets the cat, takes it to 

the store, and again, they allow her to buy 

cat food. The next week she comes back 

with a box with a hole in it.

New Orleans Style BBQ Shrimp 

Ingredients 

1 teaspoon paprika 

1 teaspoon ancho chili powder 

1 teaspoon ground cumin 

1 teaspoon sugar 


2 pounds extra large or jumbo shrimp, peeled and deveined 

5 tablespoons unsalted butter 

3 large cloves garlic, minced 

2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce 

1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice 


3 scallions, white and green parts, thinly sliced 

Instructions 

Mix the paprika, ancho chili powder, cumin, sugar and salt together 

in a large bowl. Add the shrimp to the spices and toss to coat evenly. 

Set aside. 

Melt the butter over medium heat in a 12-inch skillet. Add the 

garlic and cook, stirring with a wooden spoon, for one minute. Do 

not brown. Add the shrimp and continue cooking over medium 

heat, stirring frequently, until the shrimp are almost cooked but still 

opaque in spots, 3-4 minutes. Add the Worcestershire sauce, lemon 

juice and water and cook until shrimp are done, 1-2 minutes more. 

Scatter scallions over top and serve. 

She goes to the cashier and says stick your 

finger in it. The cashier says no. She says it’s 

ok, nothing in there will bite you. So the 

cashier sticks her finger in the box and she 

says, “Oh my gosh it smells like shit!” 

The elderly woman says, “Yeah, it’s mine, 

can I buy toilet paper now?”

Petrella Bros. Pinot Grigio Shrimp 

INGREDIENTS 

1 lb large (16-20) count shrimp 

4 cloves garlic, minced 

1 tbsp. fresh squeezed lemon juice 

2 tbsp. olive oil 

3 tbsp. butter 

2 tbsp parsley, chopped fine 

½ cup Pinot Grigio white wine 

1 tsp red pepper flakes 

kosher salt and pepper , to taste 

1 tbsp. fresh squeezed lemon juice 

DIRECTIONS 

WHITE WINE ADDS A BRIGHTNESS TO THIS RICH AND 

BUTTERY DISH. 

1. Heat a sauté pan over medium heat; adding olive oil and butter. 

Once butter has melted, add garlic and red pepper flakes. Sauté 

until edges of garlic begin to brown. 

2. Add shrimp and wine; stirring to combine all ingredients and 

coat shrimp. Increase heat and allow to boil for 3 minutes while 

stirring occasionally. Toss (or turn) shrimp and sauté for another 

minute or until shrimp becomes translucent and pink. 

3. Remove from heat and add parsley, lemon juice, black pepper, 

and salt. 

4. Serve with pasta or on its own. 

An older fella was talking to his friends and said, “You know, back 

in the depression, we didn’t have any money, so we used turtles for 

currency. You could go to the store with a 50 cent turtle, get a loaf 

of bread, and get a 25 cent turtle back for change.” He said, “We ate 

so many turtles back then, the outhouse could’ve up and walked 

away!” 

Page 35

Roasted Pecan Shrimp 

INGREDIENTS 

2 egg whites 

1⁄4 cup honey 

1 teaspoon kosher salt 

fresh ground black pepper, to taste 

6 jumbo shrimp, peeled and deveined 

2 cups ground pecans 

lemon juice or lime juice, to pass at the table if desired 

DIRECTIONS 

Preheat oven to 350°. 

Combine egg whites, honey, salt and pepper in a small bowl. 

Split shrimp down the center, cutting almost but not quite completely 

through, opening the two halves to resemble a butterfly(thus 

the term butterflying). 

Pat dry with a paper towel and press flat with the palm of your 

hand. 

Dip each shrimp into the honey-egg wash, then shake off the excess. 

Place in pecans and pat lightly to coat both sides. 

Roast for 10 minutes on a lightly greased sheet pan. 

Can be made 3-4 hours in advance and served at room temperature. 

Four Arcadia boys are sitting in a restaurant booth masturbating 

as hard as they can. The waitress comes up and says, “What are you 

fools doing?” The one says, “Well the sign says ‘First come, first 

served.’” 

Page 36

Fried Coconut Shrimp 

INGREDIENTS 

vegetable oil, enough to fry shrimp 

3⁄4 cup flour 

1 teaspoon salt 

1⁄2 teaspoon ground ginger 

1⁄4 teaspoon pepper 

3 egg whites 

2 cups shredded unsweetened coconut 

1 1⁄2 lbs large shrimp, cleaned and deveined 

DIRECTIONS 

Heat oil in deep fryer or deep skillet to 325*. 

Meanwhile, mix flour, salt, ginger, and pepper. 

Beat egg whites, just until foamy. 

Coat shrimp with flour; dip into egg whites. 

Pat coconut onto shrimp. 

Fry, turning once, for about 2-3 minutes, until golden brown. 

Same old fella tells another story of being so poor they had to use 

corn cobs for toilet paper in their outhouse. First, we use a red one, 

then we use a white one to see if we need to use another red one. 

Page 37

Scallops with Brussels Sprouts & Bacon 

INGREDIENTS 

12 brussels sprouts, trimmed and quartered 

lengthwise 

4 bacon slices (optional) 

1 1/2 tsp. salt 

1 1/2 tsp. freshly ground pepper 

12 sea scallops 

1/4 cup cornstarch 

2 tsp. unsalted butter 

2 tsp. olive oil 

2 Tbs. fresh lemon juice 

2 Tbs. dry white wine 

Lemon wedges for serving (optional) 

Extra-virgin olive oil for serving (optional) 

Directions: 

Bring a large saucepan of salted water to a boil over high heat. Add 

the brussels sprouts and cook until barely tender. Drain and rinse 

under cold water to stop the cooking. 

Meanwhile, in a fry pan over medium heat, cook the bacon, turning 

occasionally, until crisp. Transfer to paper towels to drain. Pour off 

all but 2 tsp. of the rendered fat from the pan. 

Return the fry pan to medium-high heat. Add the brussels sprouts 

and sauté until the edges are golden, about 5 minutes. Season with 1 

tsp. each of the salt and pepper. Remove from the heat and cover to 

keep warm. 

Pat the scallops dry with paper towels. On a plate, stir together the 

cornstarch and the remaining 1/2 tsp. each salt and pepper. Roll the 

scallops in the cornstarch mixture to coat lightly. 

Page 38

In a fry pan over medium-high heat, melt the butter with the olive oil. 

Add the scallops and sear for 3 minutes. Turn the scallops over and 

sear for 1 minute. Add the 2 Tbs. lemon juice, wine and 2 Tbs. water 

and stir to scrape up the browned bits. Cover, reduce the heat to low 

and cook until scallops are just opaque throughout, 2 to 3 minutes. 

Divide the brussels sprouts among 4 bowls. Top each serving with 3 

scallops and drizzle with the pan juices. Crumble the bacon and sprinkle 

over the sprouts, or drizzle with lemon juice and olive oil. Serve hot. 

Serves 4. 

This fella had a very small little pecker. Never could really do anything 

with it because it was so embarrassing. So he went to the Dr., 

and the Dr. said, “Well, I’m sorry, there’s really nothing we can do 

for you. But, you do realize, there are women out there with very 

small vaginas.” The fella says, “Wow. How will I know which ones 

they are?” The Dr. replies, “You’ll have to watch for them, they take 

very short steps.” So the fella goes downtown where there are a lot 

of people, and he watches, noticing how long of a stride the ladies 

passing by take. Finally, he spots one who is taking very short steps, 

so he jumps up and catches up with her to introduce himself. It goes 

well, so one thing leads to another and they end up on a date and 

finally in her bed. As things heat up, he pulls down his pants, and 

his drawers, and there stands his little ol’ thing. The girl just starts 

laughing! He says, “Oh no! My Dr. told me I’d have good luck with a 

woman who took short steps and had a small vagina!” She laughed 

even harder and said, “Who told you that?! I take short steps because 

my vagina is so large and wore out, my guts would fall out!” 

The same man with a small penis goes to several other doctors but 

no one will help him out. One day he wins the lottery and of course 

he has more options. Suddenly all the doctors are prepared to help 

him out. What he wants is a baby elephant’s trunk put on him. 

They do the operation, and the operation is a success. Soon after he 

talks the young lady into having a candlelight dinner. As they enjoy 

dinner, he feels his zipper come down, and out pops his elephant’s 

trunk! It reaches across the table, grabs a dinner roll and disappears 

back under the table! “Oh my God, that was amazing! Can you 

do that again?” she squeals. He says, “I probably could, but I don’t 

think my a****** could hold another dinner roll.” 

Page 39

Prosciutto Wrapped Shrimp with 

Orange Marmalade 

Ingredients 

1/4 cup orange marmalade 

4 teaspoons soy sauce 

4 teaspoons fresh lemon juice 

1 teaspoon minced fresh ginger 

1 large garlic clove, minced 

2 scallions, finely chopped 

12 jumbo shrimp—shelled,deveined and butterflied 

12 thin slices of prosciutto (about 4 ounces) 

2 tablespoons vegetable oil 

Directions 

In a bowl, mix the marmalade, soy sauce, lemon juice, ginger, garlic 

and scallions. Add the shrimp and toss to coat. Lay a slice of prosciutto 

on a work surface and fold it in half lengthwise. Wrap the 

prosciutto around the middle third of 1 of the shrimp. Repeat with 

the remaining shrimp and prosciutto. 

In a large skillet, heat the oil until shimmering. Add the shrimp 

and cook over moderate heat, turning once or twice, until golden 

and cooked through, about 8 minutes. Transfer to a plate and serve 

warm or at room temperature.

A husband and wife go to a marriage counselor for help with 

their relationship. The therapist takes the husband aside, then 

takes the wife aside, he then brings them together to 

council them. The therapist says to the husband, “You know, 

the problem is that you really don’t pay attention to your 

wife. You don’t listen to her, you don’t know what she likes. 

Do you even know what her favorite flower is?” 

Pan Seared Scallops with Bacon and Spinach 

Ingredients 

3 center-cut bacon slices 

1 1/2 pounds jumbo sea scallops (about 12) 

1/4 teaspoon plus 

1/8 teaspoon kosher salt, divided 

1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper, divided 

1 cup chopped onion 

6 garlic cloves, sliced 

12 ounces fresh baby spinach 

4 lemon wedges (optional) 

Directions 

Cook bacon in a large cast-iron skillet over medium-high heat until 

crisp. Remove bacon from pan, reserving 1 tablespoon drippings in 

pan; coarsely chop and set bacon aside. Increase heat to high. 

Pat scallops dry with paper towels. Sprinkle scallops evenly with 1/4 

teaspoon salt and 1/8 teaspoon pepper. Add scallops to drippings 

in pan; cook 2 1/2 minutes on each side or until done. Transfer 

to a plate; keep warm. Reduce heat to medium-high. Add onion 

and garlic to pan; sauté 3 minutes, stirring frequently. Add half of 

spinach; cook 1 minute, stirring frequently. Add remaining half 

of spinach; cook 2 minutes or just until wilted, stirring frequently. 

Remove from heat; stir in remaining 1/8 teaspoon salt and remaining 

1/8 teaspoon pepper. Divide spinach mixture among 4 plates; 

top each serving evenly with crumbled bacon and 3 scallops. Serve 

immediately with lemon wedges, if desired. 

The man turns to his wife, grabs her hand, looks her in the 

eyes deeply, and asks, “It is Pillsbury, isn’t it?”

Clam Chowder 

Ingredients 

2 cups chicken broth 

2 cans (6-1/2 ounces each) chopped clams, undrained 

3 medium potatoes, peeled and cubed 

4 medium carrots, sliced 

4 celery ribs, sliced 

1 medium onion, chopped 

1 tablespoon lemon juice 

1 tablespoon minced fresh dill or 1 teaspoon dill weed 


1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg 


1/2 teaspoon pepper 

2 cups half-and-half cream 

1 cup cubed process American cheese 

1 cup (4 ounces) shredded Monterey Jack cheese 

6 bacon strips, cooked and crumbled 

Directions 

In a soup kettle or Dutch oven, combine the first 12 ingredients; 

bring to a boil. Reduce heat; simmer for 20 minutes or until the vegetables 

are tender. Add cream and cheese; heat through until cheese 

is melted. Stir in bacon just before serving. Yield: 8 servings (about 

2 quarts). 

Page 42

A fellow 

talking to 

his buddy 

says, “You 

know, I’m 

Irish, 

Polish, and 

Jewish. 

I’ve got a 

problem. 

Pecan Crusted Tilapia 

Ingredients 

1/2 cup dry breadcrumbs 

2 tablespoons finely chopped pecans 


1/4 teaspoon garlic powder 

1/4 teaspoon black pepper 

1/2 cup low-fat buttermilk 

1/2 teaspoon hot sauce 

3 tablespoons all-purpose flour 

4 (6-ounce) tilapia or snapper fillets 

1 tablespoon vegetable oil, divided 

4 lemon wedges 

Directions 

Combine first 5 ingredients in a shallow dish. Combine 

buttermilk and hot sauce in a medium bowl; 

place flour in a shallow dish. Dredge 1 fillet in flour. 

Dip in buttermilk mixture; dredge in breadcrumb 

mixture. Repeat procedure with remaining fillets, 

flour, buttermilk mixture, and breadcrumb mixture. 

Heat 1 1/2 teaspoons oil in a large nonstick skillet over 

medium-high heat. Add 2 fillets; cook 3 minutes on 

each side or until fish flakes easily when tested with a 

fork. Repeat procedure with remaining oil and fillets. 

Serve with lemon wedges. 

The Irish in me likes to drink. 

The Pollock in me doesn’t 

know when to quit. And the 

Jew in me doesn’t want to 

pay for any of it.” 

Page 43

Oyster Salad 

Ingredients 

1 pint oysters 

1/4 teaspoon celery salt 

1 tbsp butter 

1/2 cup lettuce, chopped 

2 hard cooked eggs, diced 

1/2 cup celery, diced 

1 pimento, chopped 

1 teaspoon onion, grated 

1 teaspoon lemon juice 

one half cup mayonnaise or 

salad dressing 



lettuce 

Directions 

Drain oysters. Add celery salt, 

and cook in butter until edges 

begin to curl. Chill and dice 

oysters. Combine all ingredients 

and serve on lettuce cups. 

Garnish with paprika. 

Page 44

Island Shrimp with Calypso Rice 

Ingredients 

2 (8-ounce) packages frozen island lime shrimp 

1 cup frozen petite peas 

1/4 cup pre-diced red onions 

2 tablespoons sofrito (Spanish cooking sauce) 

2 (8.8-ounce) pouches pre-cooked yellow rice 

Directions 

Place shrimp in large sauté pan on medium. Cook 10-12 minutes, 

stirring occasionally, or until shrimp are pink and sauce is slightly 

thickened. 

Meanwhile, combine peas, onions, and sofrito in microwave-safe 

bowl. Cover and microwave on HIGH 4 minutes or until hot. Stir 

in rice and microwave on HIGH 2-3 more minutes or until rice is 

thoroughly heated. Stir rice; spoon shrimp mixture over rice and 

serve. 

Page 45

Crab Cakes 

INGREDIENTS 

2 slices white bread, crusts removed and crumbled 

2 tablespoons mayonnaise 

2 teaspoons OLD BAY Seasoning 

2 teaspoons Parsley Flakes 

1/2 teaspoon prepared yellow mustard 

1 egg, beaten 

1 pound lump crabmeat 

DIRECTIONS 

Mix bread, mayonnaise, OLD BAY, parsley, mustard and egg in 

large bowl until well blended. Gently stir in crabmeat. Shape into 4 

patties. 

Broil 10 minutes without turning or fry until golden brown on both 

sides. Sprinkle with additional OLD BAY, if desired. 

eat 

Two hobos are out in a cow field and they have no food and are 

starving. The one says to the other, “What are we going to do, I’m 

darn hungry!” The other hobo says, I’ll show you - and picks up a 

dried cow patty and he goes to the farmhouse and knocks on the 

door. When the farmer’s wife answers the door he says, “Ma’am, 

would you happen to have any salt? I haven’t had anything to eat 

in a while, and a little salt would help make this cow patty taste a 

little more appetizing.” She says, “Oh, no, come on in here.” And 

she invited him in and fed him one of the best meals of his life. The 

second hobo, thinks damn! I gotta try that. So he grabs up a dried 

cow patty, goes down the road to the next farm house, knocks on 

the door, and when the lady of the house answers, he says, “Ma’am, 

do you happen to have any salt? I haven’t had anything to eat in 

days, and I could use a little salt for this cow patty.” She says “Oh no! 

We can’t have that, come on back here and let’s pick you out a new 

fresh one.” 

Page 46

Bok Choy Chicken Stir Fry 

INGREDIENTS 

3 squares Land O’Lakes® Teriyaki Saute Express® 

1 (14 ounce) package chicken breast tenders, cut into bite-sized 

pieces 

1 cup snow peas, trimmed, cut in half 

1/2 cup sliced onion 

1 (15 ounce) can whole straw mushrooms, drained 

1 (8 ounce) can sliced water chestnuts, drained 

3 cups sliced bok choy 

DIRECTIONS 

Melt 2 Saute Express® squares in 12-inch nonstick skillet over medium 

heat; add chicken. Cook, stirring often, 5 to 6 minutes or until 

golden brown and cooked through. Remove from pan; keep warm. 

Melt remaining Saute Express® square in same skillet over medium 

heat; add snow peas, onion, mushrooms and water chestnuts. Cook 

2 to 3 minutes or until onion and snow peas are crisply tender; add 

bok choy. Cook 3 to 5 minutes or until greens are wilted and stems 

are crisply tender. 

Add chicken; toss lightly. 

A turkey farmer with a mess of kids who all love turkey legs was 

trying to figure out how to breed a line of turkeys that could feed 

his whole family. One day he runs into the feed store hollering, “I 

did it I did it I made a turkey that has six legs!” The clerk at the feed 

store says, “Wow, how do they taste?” The man says, “Hell if I know, 

I can’t catch the damn thing.” 

Page 48

Oven Fried Mustard Chicken 

INGREDIENTS 

4 boneless chicken breasts (1 ½ lbs) 

¼ tsp paprika 

⅓ cup Dijon mustard 

⅓ cup all-purpose flour 

⅓ cup Italian seasoned bread crumbs 

1 tbsp butter 

DIRECTIONS 

Preheat oven to 425 degrees F 

Combine the bread crumbs, flour and paprika. Combine the mustard, 

salt, pepper, and 2tbs water. 

Melt the butter. 

Line a shallow pan with foil and spray with non stick cooking spray. 

Dip the chicken breasts in the mustard mixture, then coat them 

with crumb mixture. 

Put in prepared pan, drizzle butter over chicken. 

Bake until browned and cooked through, 10 - 15 minutes 

A little old lady calls her neighbor and says, “Would you mind 

coming over, I’m having trouble with this puzzle.” Her neighbor 

says, “What’s it a picture of?” She says, “It’s of a rooster.” He says, 

“Ok, I’ll be over.” When he arrives, she shows him the puzzle on the 

table and he says, “If you’ll go and make us a nice cup of tea, 

I’ll help you put the cornflakes back in the box.” 

Men are like bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are. 

Page 49

Chicken Liver Crostini 

INGREDIENTS 

7 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil 

1 small onion, finely chopped 

4 anchovy fillets 


12 ounces chicken livers 

1/3 cup dry white wine 

1 cup canned low-salt chicken broth 

2 teaspoons chopped fresh sage 

1/2 teaspoon finely grated lemon peel 

1 French-bread baguette, sliced into 1/3-inch-thick rounds 

DIRECTIONS 

Heat 4 tablespoons oil in heavy large skillet over medium heat. Add 

onion, anchovies and garlic. Sauté until onion is tender but not 

brown, mashing anchovies with fork, about 3 minutes. Increase heat 

to medium-high. Add chicken livers and sauté until brown, about 4 

minutes. Add wine and cook until most of liquid evaporates, about 

3 minutes. Add chicken broth and sage. Simmer until chicken livers 

are cooked through and liquid is reduced by half, breaking up livers 

with fork, about 10 minutes. Cool slightly. 

Transfer mixture to processor. Using on/off turns, process just until 

livers are coarsely pureed. Mix in lemon peel. Season pâté to taste 

with salt and pepper. 

Preheat oven to 350°F. Arrange bread slices on 2 baking sheets. 

Lightly brush bread with remaining 3 tablespoons oil. Bake until 

crisp and golden, about 15 minutes. (Pâté and toasts can be made 

1 day ahead. Cover; chill pâté. Cool toasts; store airtight at room 

temperature.) Spread pate over toasts. Arrange toasts on platter. 

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? 

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year. 

Page 50

Black’nd Blue Buffalo Chicken Sliders 

INGREDIENTS 

6 Deli fried chicken tenders 

1/4 cup buffalo wing sauce 

1 cup blue cheese salad dressing 

2 tablespoons light mayonnaise 

2 teaspoons blackening seasoning 

12 Bakery dinner rolls (sliced for buns) 

DIRECTIONS 

Preheat oven to 425°F. Cut each chicken tender in half; bake 10-12 

minutes or until thoroughly heated. 

Toss hot chicken with wing sauce. Combine salad dressing, mayonnaise, 

and seasoning. 

Place in bun: chicken and blue cheese sauce. Serve. 

An attorney was driving in his limo through the country side, and 

he sees two men in the field eating grass. He tells his driver to stop 

and back up to see what those men are doing. He rolls down his 

window and asks them “What are y’all doing out here?” The two 

men say they have no money and nothing to eat so they were eating 

grass to satiate their hunger. He says that’s horrible, get in this limo, 

I want to take you to my house we have plenty to eat. The one man 

says well I have a wife and two kids as well, the attorney says, “Bring 

them too!” The other man says I have a wife and three kids. The 

attorney says, “Bring them as well! Get them all in here!” So they 

all get into the limo and the one man says to the attorney, “I’d really 

like to thank you for this We really appreciate you taking us in like 

this.” The attorney says, “No problem, you’re going to love my place! 

The grass is over a foot high.” 

Page 51

Chicken Marasla with Sage 

INGREDIENTS 

4 skinless boneless chicken breast halves, each halved horizontally 

All purpose flour 

6 tablespoons (3/4 stick) butter 

1 tablespoon chopped fresh sage 

1 cup imported dry Marsala 

1 cup canned low-salt chicken broth 

Fresh sage leaves 

DIRECTIONS 

Sprinkle chicken with salt and pepper. Dust with flour; shake off 

excess. Melt 3 tablespoons butter in large skillet over medium-high 

heat. Add chopped sage; sauté 1 minute. Add half of chicken. Sauté 

until brown and cooked through, about 3 minutes per side. Transfer 

chicken to platter. Repeat with remaining butter and chicken. Tent 

chicken with foil. Add Marsala and broth to skillet; bring to boil, 

scraping up any browned bits. Boil until sauce is reduced to 1/2 cup, 

about 10 minutes. Season with salt and pepper; spoon over chicken. 

Garnish with sage leaves. 

A woman was in a coma for months.. Nurses were in her room 

giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area 

and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when 

she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was 

sizable movement. They went to her husband and explained what 

happened, telling him, “As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral 

sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.” 

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they’d close 

the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into 

his wife’s room. 

After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no 

heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. “What happened?!” 

The husband said, “I’m not sure, maybe she choked.” 

Page 52

Perfect Panko Chicken with Hummus 

INGREDIENTS 

Juice of 2 limes 

3 tablespoons fresh cilantro, coarsely chopped 

4 chicken cutlets (about 1 lb) 



1 (8-oz) container Deli cilantro/jalapeño hummus, divided 

3/4 cup panko bread crumbs 

2 pouches boil-in-bag rice 

3 tablespoons canola oil 

1 tablespoon water 

Prep 

- Squeeze limes for juice (3 tablespoons). 

- Chop cilantro. 

DIRECTIONS 

1. Season chicken with salt and pepper. Reserve 1/2 cup hummus 

for sauce, then coat both sides of chicken with remaining hummus 

(about 1 tablespoon for each cutlet). Place panko in shallow dish. 

Dip chicken into panko (coating both sides). Wash hands. 

2. Cook rice following package instructions. 

3. Preheat large sauté pan on medium 2-3 minutes. Place oil in pan, 

then add chicken; cook 3-4 minutes each side or until 165°F. 

4. Combine remaining 1/2 cup hummus with cilantro, lime juice, 

and water; drizzle sauce over chicken. Serve. 

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? 

A guy will actually search for a golf ball. 

Page 53

Spicy Chicken and Mango Stir Fry 

CHICKEN & MARINADE INGREDIENTS 

1/4 cup soy sauce 

2 cloves garlic , minced 

3/4 pound boneless, skinless chicken , sliced into 1/2-inch thick 

strips 

STIR-FRY INGREDIENTS 

1 Tbsp. olive oil 

2 medium onion , diced 

1 cup frozen broccoli 

1/2 cup frozen snow peas 

1/2 cup frozen mangoes , sliced 

Soy sauce , if needed 

1 Tbsp. coarsely chopped fresh cilantro 

1 Tbsp. chopped scallions 

DIRECTIONS 

1. In a Pyrex dish or bowl, combine the soy sauce and garlic. 

2. Place the chicken into the dish, cover and refrigerate for several 

hours or overnight to marinate. 

3. Heat the oil in a wok or large sauté pan over high heat. Add the 

chicken, marinade and onion, and sauté quickly until chicken is 

cooked through. Add in broccoli and turn heat to medium-high. 

Cook for 3 to 4 minutes. Toss in snow peas and mangoes with their 

juices and cook for 2 to 3 minutes. Toss in the cilantro and scallions 

and serve. 

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? 

Beat it. We’re closed. 

Page 54

Roasted Chicken with Onions, Potatoes, and 

Gravy 

INGREDIENTS 

1 (4-pound) roasting chicken 

1 teaspoon salt, divided 

3/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper, divided 

4 oregano sprigs 

1 lemon, quartered 

1 celery stalk, cut into 2-inch pieces 

Cooking spray 

2 tablespoons butter, melted 

2 pounds medium yellow onions, peeled and each cut into 8 wedges 

2 pounds small red potatoes, quartered 

1/4 cup all-purpose flour 

1 (14-ounce) can fat-free, less-sodium chicken broth, divided 

Lemon wedges (optional) 

Fresh oregano sprigs (optional) 

Step 1 

Preheat oven to 425°. 

Step 2 

Remove and discard giblets and neck from chicken. Rinse chicken 

with cold water; pat dry. Trim excess fat. Starting at neck cavity, 

loosen skin from breast and drumsticks by inserting fingers, gently 

pushing between skin and meat. Combine 1/2 teaspoon salt and 

1/2 teaspoon pepper; rub under loosened skin and over breast and 

drumsticks. Place oregano, quartered lemon, and celery into body 

cavity. Lift wing tips up and over back; tuck under chicken. Tie legs 

together with string. Place chicken, breast side up, on the rack of a 

broiler pan coated with cooking spray. 

Page 55

Step 3 

Combine remaining 1/2 teaspoon salt, remaining 1/4 teaspoon pepper, 

butter, onions, and potatoes in a large bowl; toss well to coat. Arrange 

onion mixture around chicken on rack. Place rack in pan. Bake at 425° 

for 20 minutes. Reduce oven temperature to 325° (do not remove pan 

from oven); bake an additional 1 hour and 15 minutes or until onions 

and potatoes are tender and a thermometer inserted into meaty part of 

chicken thigh registers 180°. Set chicken, onions, and potatoes aside; 

cover and keep warm. 

Step 4 

Place a zip-top plastic bag inside a 2-cup glass measure. Pour pan 

drippings into bag; let stand 10 minutes (fat will rise to the top). Seal 

bag; carefully snip off 1 bottom corner of bag. Drain drippings into a 

small saucepan, stopping before fat layer reaches opening; discard fat. 

Combine flour and 1/2 cup broth in a small bowl, stirring with a whisk. 

Add flour mixture and remaining broth to saucepan. Bring to a boil 

over medium-high heat. Reduce heat to medium; cook 5 minutes or 

until gravy thickens, stirring frequently with a whisk. Serve gravy with 

chicken and onion mixture. Garnish with lemon wedges and oregano 

sprigs, if desired. 

Three biker buddies are sitting in a bar. A man, who’s already heavily 

intoxicated, walks in, sits down and orders a drink. 

The man looks around and sees the three bikers sitting at a table in 

a corner of the bar. He gets up, staggers over to their table, and leans 

over it. Looking the biggest of the three men in the eye, the drunk 

man says: “I went by your grandma’s house and saw her completely 

naked in the hallway. Man she’s fine!”The biker looks at the drunk 

man and doesn’t say anything. His buddies look confused, because 

people have had their faces kicked in for saying less than that to him 

in the past. Leaning against the table once more, the drunk man 

says: “I got it on with your grandma too. She’s the best I ever had!” 

Still no response is received from the biker, however his buddies are 

now starting to get angry. The drunk man continues: “I’ll tell you 

something else too – your grandma loved it!” 

At long last, the biker stands up and says: “Dammit Grandpa, you’re 

drunk! Just go home!” 

Page 56

Oven Fried Panko Chicken 

INGREDIENTS 

2 cups panko (Japanese bread crumbs) 

1/2 teaspoon cayenne 

1 stick unsalted butter, softened 

1 chicken (about 3 1/2 pounds), rinsed, patted dry, and cut into 10 

serving pieces (breasts cut crosswise in half) 

Preheat oven to 450°F with rack in middle. 

Stir together panko, cayenne, 1/2 teaspoon salt, and 1/4 teaspoon 

pepper in a pie plate. 

Stir together butter, 1/2 teaspoon salt, and 1/4 teaspoon pepper in 

a small bowl, then brush all over chicken. Add chicken, 2 pieces at 

a time, to crumb mixture and coat evenly on both sides, pressing 

chicken into crumbs to help them adhere, then transfer, skin side 

up, to a shallow baking pan. 

Bake chicken until well browned and cooked through, 30 to 40 

minutes. Let stand, uncovered, 5 to 10 minutes to crisp. 

Page 57

Chicken Piccata 

INGREDIENTS 

Olive oil cooking spray 

8 boneless, skinless, thin-cut chicken cutlets (2 lbs.) 

¾ tsp. salt 

¼ tsp. freshly ground black pepper 

1 ½ cups fat-free, reduced-sodium chicken broth 

4 tsp. arrowroot or cornstarch, dissolved in 2 tsp. water 

1 tsp. chopped fresh rosemary 

4 thin lemon slices 

3 tbsp. drained nonpareil capers 

1 tbsp. unsalted butter 

1. Preheat the oven to 350º. 

2. Generously coat a 12-in. ovenproof skillet with cooking spray. 

Season chicken with salt and pepper on both sides. 

3. Heat pan over high heat. Cook 2 or 3 cutlets at a time until lightly 

browned, 2 minutes per side. Transfer to a plate and cover with foil 

to keep warm. Repeat with remaining chicken, coating pan with 

cooking spray between batches. 

4. Add chicken broth and bring to a simmer, 1 to 2 minutes. Add 

the dissolved arrow-root or corn-starch and whisk until thickened, 

2 to 3 minutes. 

Return chicken to the pan with rosemary, lemon slices and capers; 

gently simmer until chicken is cooked through, 2 to 3 minutes. Remove 

chicken from pan and divide among 4 plates. 

5. Add butter to sauce in pan and cook over high heat until slightly 

thickened, 1 to 2 minutes. Spoon about ½ cup sauce over each plate. 

Serve. 

What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? 

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it. 

Page 58

Chicken with Saffron Rice 

INGREDIENTS 

1 tablespoon olive oil 

4 chicken thighs, skin removed 

4 chicken drumsticks, skin removed 

2 medium onions, thinly sliced 

6 garlic cloves, coarsely chopped 

1½ cups arborio or other short-grain rice 

3 bay leaves 

1 cup peeled, diced tomatoes 

½ cup coarsely chopped green olives 

½ cup pimentos 

½ cup capers, drained (a 3.5-ounce jar will do) 

1½ tablespoons chopped jalapeño pepper, or more or less depending 

on your tolerance for heat 

1¼ teaspoons salt 

1 teaspoon saffron threads 

2½ cups water 

Tabasco sauce, optional 

1. Heat the oil in a large skillet until hot. Add the chicken pieces in 

one layer and sauté over medium-high heat, turning occasionally, 

for 10 minutes or until browned on all sides. Transfer the chicken to 

a plate and set aside. 

2. Add the onions and garlic to the drippings in the skillet and cook 

for 2 minutes. Add the rice and mix well. Stir in the bay leaves, tomatoes, 

olives, pimentos, capers, jalapeño, salt and saffron, add the 

water, and mix well. 

3. Return the browned chicken pieces to the skillet, pushing them 

down into the liquid and rice until they are embedded in the mixture. 

Bring to a boil, reduce the heat to low, cover and cook for 30 

minutes without stirring. Test to see if the rice is done; if not, cover 

and simmer longer until it is soft and creamy. 

4. To serve, place a chicken thigh and drumstick, with some of the 

rice mixture, on each of 4 dinner plates. 

Page 59

Roast Chicken with Rosemary & Garlic 

INGREDIENTS 

3 1⁄2 lbs chicken, split lengthwise in half 

1 1⁄2 cups olive oil 

8 garlic cloves, flattened 

1⁄2 cup minced fresh parsley 

6 garlic cloves, pressed 

3 tablespoons chopped fresh rosemary (or 2 t. dried, crumbled) 

2 1⁄2 tablespoons chopped fresh thyme (or 2 t. dried,crumbled) 

coarse salt 

fresh coarse ground black pepper 

DIRECTIONS 

Place chicken in large shallow roasting pan; pour oil over. 

Add 8 flattened garlic cloves and parsley to oil, turn chicken to coat. 

Cover and refrigerate 24 to 36 hours, turning occasionally. 

Preheat oven to 450 degrees. 

Remove chicken from marinade. 

Pour 1/3 cup marinade into large bowl and discard remaining marinade. 

Mix 6 pressed garlic cloves, rosemary and thyme into marinade in 

bowl. 

Return chicken to roasting pan and pour marinade over. 

Season with salt and pepper and bake skin side up until cooked 

through, about 50 minutes, basting occasionally. 

Transfer to platter and serve. 

Page 60

Sesame Crusted Roast Chicken 

INGREDIENTS 

⅓ cup reduced-sodium soy sauce or tamari sauce 

2 tablespoons toasted sesame oil 

2 tablespoons sesame seeds 

1 tablespoon grated fresh ginger 

4 cloves garlic, minced 

1 teaspoon freshly cracked black pepper 

1 3 1/2 pound whole chicken 

¼ teaspoon salt 

1 pound small new yellow or red potatoes, scrubbed and halved 

(quartered if large) 

⅓ cup reduced-sodium chicken broth (optional) 

2 tablespoons coarsely chopped parsley 

Preheat oven to 425°. In a small bowl whisk together soy sauce, 1 

Tbsp. of sesame oil, sesame seeds, ginger, garlic, and black pepper; 

set aside. Pat chicken dry; season with salt. Fold legs up over breast. 

Tie legs together with 100% cotton kitchen string. Twist wing tips 

under back. 

Heat a 12-inch cast-iron skillet over medium-high heat until very 

hot, 3 to 5 minutes. Add remaining sesame oil to skillet; heat 30 

seconds. Place chicken breast side down in the skillet; sear 3 

minutes or until golden and crusty. Turn chicken over and sear 3 

minutes more. Remove skillet from heat. Scatter potatoes around 

chicken. Pour the soy sauce mixture over chicken and potatoes. 

Roast 1 hour 15 minutes to 1 hour 30 minutes or until a thermometer 

inserted in the thighs registers 175°, stirring potatoes and 

spooning the skillet drippings over chicken once or twice during 

cooking. If sauce evaporates during roasting, add broth. Remove 

skillet from oven. Cover chicken; let rest 5 minutes. Sprinkle 

potatoes with parsley before serving. 

A nationwide fried chicken company started a new billboard 

campaign. The new slogan is, “To get a better piece, you have 

to be the rooster.” 

Page 61

Tuscan Fried Chicken 

INGREDIENTS 

1/4 cup fresh lemon juice 

1 tbsp. finely chopped fresh rosemary 

1 tbsp. finely chopped fresh thyme 

2 cloves garlic, finely chopped 

Sea salt and black pepper 

1/2 tsp. crushed red pepper 

1 chicken (about 3 1/2 lb.), cut into 8 pieces and each breast cut 

crosswise in half 

3 large eggs 

1 cup flour 

Canola oil, for frying 

Lemon wedges, for serving 

Preparation 

1. In a large bowl, whisk the lemon juice, rosemary, thyme, garlic, 1 

tsp. sea salt, 1/2 tsp. black pepper, and the crushed red pepper. Add 

the chicken; turn to coat. Cover and chill, turning occasionally, at 

least 1 hour and up to 2 hours. 

2. Drain the chicken, leaving any marinade that is clinging to it. In 

a wide shallow bowl, beat the eggs. In another wide shallow bowl, 

whisk the flour, 1/2 tsp. sea salt, and 1/4 tsp. black pepper. Working 

with 1 piece at a time, dip the chicken in the eggs, then dredge in 

the flour mixture to coat. Place on a baking sheet. 

3. Set a wire rack inside another baking sheet. In a large deep skillet 

with a lid or medium Dutch oven, add enough oil to come about 

halfway up the sides. Heat the oil over high until a deep-fry thermometer 

registers 350°. Using tongs, carefully add the 4 breast pieces 

to the oil. Cover and fry the chicken until golden on the bottom, 

about 4 minutes. Uncover, turn the chicken, and fry until golden 

and cooked through, about 3 minutes more. Transfer to the rack. 

Repeat with the remaining chicken, cooking for 4 minutes covered, 

turning, then frying uncovered until golden and cooked through, 4 

to 6 minutes. Season and let cool for 5 minutes. Serve with lemon 

wedges. 

Page 62

Marmalade Baked Chicken 

INGREDIENTS 

1 (5- to 6-pound) whole chicken 

1 cup orange marmalade 

2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce 

4 teaspoons Old Bay seasoning 

2 teaspoons minced onion 

1 tablespoon chopped fresh parsley 

Remove giblets from chicken, and discard. Rinse chicken with 

cold water, and pat dry. Tuck wing tips under bird, and tie legs, if 

desired. Place bird, breast side up, on a rack coated with vegetable 

cooking spray, and place rack in a roasting pan. 

Stir together orange marmalade and next 3 ingredients; pour mixture 

over prepared chicken in pan. Sprinkle evenly with chopped 

fresh parsley. 

Bake chicken at 350° for 1 hour and 30 minutes or until done, basting 

occasionally with pan juices. 

A little boy runs into the Catholic Church soaking wet because it’s 

raining outside. The priest sees him and says come over here to my 

side of the confessional and I’ll get you some dry clothes. After the 

priest leaves, the boy sits in the confessional, waiting, and a woman 

runs into the other side to confess. She says, “Father, father, I have 

to confess I just had anal sex. What must I do for forgiveness and 

penance?” As the priest comes back into his side of the confessional 

with a little boy, the little boy asks, What do you give for anal sex?” 

The priest says, “A large Coke and two Snickers bars.” 

Page 63

Chicken with Sour Cream & Paprika 

INGREDIENTS 

Extra-virgin olive oil 

8 bone-in, skin-on chicken thighs (about 2 lbs.) 

Kosher salt 

1 medium-size yellow onion, finely chopped 

2 serrano chiles, stemmed, seeded and thinly sliced 


½ tsp. sweet paprika 

Pinch of ground red pepper 

1 cup chicken stock 

½ cup sour cream 

2 tbsp. chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley 

DIRECTIONS 

Heat olive oil ½ in. deep in a large, heavy skillet over medium-high 

heat until oil is shimmering. Sprinkle chicken generously with salt; 

arrange, skin side down, in hot oil, allowing space among all pieces. 

Reduce heat to medium. Cook chicken about 20 to 25 minutes or 

until dark golden brown, turning after 15 minutes. Transfer chicken 

to a plate. 

Cook onion, chiles, garlic and ¼ tsp. salt in pan drippings about 

3 to 4 minutes, stirring often, until tender. Stir in paprika and red 

pepper; cook 1 minute. Add chicken stock and bring mixture to a 

boil; return chicken pieces and any collected juices to skillet. Reduce 

heat and simmer, partially covered, 20 minutes until chicken is 

done. Transfer chicken to serving dish. 

Reduce heat to low; whisk sour cream into pan drippings and cook 

until sauce is warm. Do not boil. Spoon sauce around chicken pieces; 

sprinkle with parsley. Serve immediately. 

A man goes into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me six shots.” The 

bartender pours him six shots and asks the man, “My goodness, 

what happened? The man says, “I had my first blowjob.” The bartender 

says, “Congratulations, let me buy you another shot on the 

house.” The man says, “No, if the first six don’t get the taste out of 

my mouth, nothing will. 

Page 64

Crispy Scallion Potato Pancakes 

INGREDIENTS 

6 scallions, light green and white part only, thinly sliced (or 1 yellow 

onion, peeled and quartered) 

2 large eggs 

2 medium baking potatoes, peeled and cut into 1 inch cubes 

Salt and freshly ground black pepper 

2 tablespoons matzo meal or all-purpose flour 

Vegetable oil for frying 

Applesauce 

DIRECTIONS 

1. Puree the scallions and eggs together in a food processor fitted 

with the metal blade until they are smooth and fluffy. Add the potatoes 

and pulse until the mixture is finely chopped but still retains 

some texture. Add the salt, pepper and matzo meal and quickly process 

to combine. Do not over process. Pour the batter into a mixing 

bowl. 

2. Let the batter sit for 15 minutes, covered with plastic wrap to 

prevent discoloration. 

3. Heat 3/4 inch of oil in a large non-stick skillet on medium high 

heat. Pour a tablespoon of batter into the skillet to test the oil. If it 

is hot enough, the pancake will begin to sizzle and brown. Taste the 

pancake and check the seasoning. 

4. Spoon tablespoons of the batter in the skillet, making sure that 

there’s a little room between each pancake. Flatten them with the 

back of a spoon and use the spatula to round out the sides, if necessary. 

Fry the pancakes until they are golden brown on one side, 

Page 66

about 2-3 minutes, then turn them and brown the other side, about 2 

more minutes. They should be golden brown. 

5. Transfer the pancakes to a cookie sheet lined with 2 layers of paper 

towels. Allow the excess oil to drain. If serving immediately, place the 

pancakes on a platter and serve with the applesauce. You can keep them 

warm in a 275 F oven if necessary. Make sure to remove the paper towels 

before putting them in the oven. 

What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? 

You can unscrew a lightbulb. 

Page 67

Sausage Stuffed Cherry Peppers 

INGREDIENTS 

1/2 pound Italian sausage, casings removed 

2 (14 ounce) jars pickled red peppers (such as Peppadew), drained 

2 teaspoons olive oil, divided 

1 teaspoon chopped fresh parsley (optional) 

DIRECTIONS 

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). Line 2 pie plates 

with aluminum foil. 

Pinch about 1/2 teaspoon sausage off and roll into a small oval 

shape. Stuff the sausage piece into a pepper. Repeat with remaining 

sausage and peppers. 

Drizzle 1 teaspoon olive oil into each foil-lined pie plate and divide 

the stuffed peppers into each one. Rotate the plates to roll and coat 

poppers in the oil. 

Roast poppers in the preheated oven until the sausage is cooked 

through and the poppers are very slightly dried out, about 20 minutes. 

Let cool before serving. Arrange onto a serving platter and 

sprinkle with parsley. 

There is a married politician in Washington who got his Italian 

secretary pregnant. “She says, “What are we going to do, darling?” 

He says, “Well, I tell you what, babe, you go back to Italy and have 

the baby and I’ll pick up all the expenses for the next 18 years.” She 

says, “How will I let you know what gender the baby is?” He says, 

“Just send me a telegram that says with or without meatballs.” Nine 

months later, there’s a knock at the door and he receives a telegram. 

He opened it and just faints. His wife runs to the door to see what’s 

wrong, she picks up the telegram, and it says, “Spaghetti, 5 times. 3 

with meatballs, 2 without. Send more sauce.” 

Page 68

Spinach Pinwheels 

INGREDIENTS 

2 (8 ounce) packages refrigerated crescent rolls 

1 (7 ounce) package garlic herb cheese spread 

1 (10 ounce) package frozen chopped spinach, thawed and drained 

DIRECTIONS 

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C). 

Split crescent dough in half along center perforation. Flatten one 

rectangle, sealing perforations. Spread with 1/4 of the cheese spread 

and sprinkle with spinach. Starting with long side, roll dough up, 

rolling back and forth several times to seal edges. Cut into 3/4 inch 

slices (about 15 slices per roll). Arrange the slices one inch apart on 

ungreased cookie sheet. Continue making the crescent roll ups until 

all of the ingredients are used. 

Bake for 10 to 12 minutes, until lightly browned. Serve immediately 

or keep warm on a warming tray. 

There’s a married couple at walking through Walmart, and there’s 

a case of Budweiser on display for $7. The husband picks it up and 

puts it in the cart, and the wife asks, “What are you doing? We don’t 

need that! Put it back!” They go a little further down the aisle and 

the wife picks up a jar of cold cream labeled for $20, and he says, 

“What the hell? What’s that for?” She responds, “This is going to 

make me more beautiful for you!” He says, “Well hell, we could buy 

that case of Budweiser for $7, do the same thing, and save money! 

Page 69

Buttermilk Corn Fritters 

INGREDIENTS 

Ingredients 

1 1/3 cups buttermilk baking mix 

1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder 

1 (14.75 ounce) can cream-style corn 

1 egg, beaten 

1 cup vegetable oil 

1 1/2 cups maple syrup 

DIRECTIONS 

In a medium mixing bowl, sift together baking mix and baking 

powder. In a small mixing bowl, combine corn and egg. 

Combine egg and flour mixture, stir gently. 

Heat oil in large skillet over medium heat. Drop batter by tablespoonfuls 

into hot oil one layer at a time. Fry for 2 minutes on each 

side or until golden brown. Drain fritters on absorbent paper. Serve 

immediately with maple syrup or molasses. 

You know how you make soup rich? 

You add fourteen carrots! 

Page 70

Buffalo Chicken Dip 

INGREDIENTS 

2 (10 ounce) cans chunk chicken, drained 

2 (8 ounce) packages cream cheese, softened 

1 cup Ranch dressing 

3/4 cup pepper sauce (such as Frank’s Red Hot®) 

1 1/2 cups shredded Cheddar cheese 

1 bunch celery, cleaned and cut into 4 inch pieces 

1 (8 ounce) box chicken-flavored crackers 

DIRECTIONS 

Heat chicken and hot sauce in a skillet over medium heat, until 

heated through. Stir in cream cheese and ranch dressing. Cook, 

stirring until well blended and warm. Mix in half of the shredded 

cheese, and transfer the mixture to a slow cooker. Sprinkle the 

remaining cheese over the top, cover, and cook on Low setting until 

hot and bubbly. Serve with celery sticks and crackers. 

What’s the difference between your wife and your job? 

After five years, your job will still suck. 

Page 71

Fried Artichoke Hearts 

INGREDIENTS 

2 eggs 

1/2 cup milk 

1 (15 ounce) can artichoke hearts, drained and quartered 

1 1/2 cups seasoned dry bread crumbs 

2 cups oil for frying, or as needed 

1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese for topping 

DIRECTIONS 

Heat oil in a deep-fryer or heavy deep skillet to 350 degrees F (175 

degrees C). 

In a small bowl, whisk together eggs and milk. Place seasoned bread 

crumbs in a separate bowl. Dip artichoke hearts in the egg mixture, 

then roll in bread crumbs until they are fully covered. 

Deep-fry for 2 to 3 minutes, until deep golden brown. Remove 

to paper towels to drain excess oil. When all the pieces have been 

fried, place on a serving tray and sprinkle with Parmesan cheese. 

A wife is in front of a judge for shoplifting. The judge says, ma’am, 

what are you charged with?” She replies, “I stole a can of peaches.” 

The judge asks why, and she responds, “I don’t know, I just felt like 

it.” He says, well how many peaches were in that can?” She says, 

“Five.” He says, “I think you need a lesson young lady, I’m sentencing 

you to five days in jail.” About that time, her husband pipes up 

from the back of the courtroom, “Your honor, she also stole a can of 

peas!” 

Page 72

Hot Crab Dip 

INGREDIENTS 

2 cups crabmeat 

1 cup sour cream 

1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese, softened 

1 cup buttermilk 

1 cup mayonnaise 

1 cup shredded Monterey Jack cheese 

1 cup white Cheddar cheese 

1/2 cup capers, drained 

2 (8 ounce) cans artichoke hearts, drained and chopped 

2 tablespoons minced garlic 

1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper, or to taste 

1/2 teaspoon dried dill, or to taste 

1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese 

1/2 teaspoon Old Bay Seasoning TM , or to taste 

1 (8 ounce) round loaf sourdough bread 

DIRECTIONS 

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C). Lightly grease an 

8x8 inch square baking pan. 

In a large bowl, combine crabmeat, sour cream, cream cheese, 

buttermilk, mayonnaise, Monterey Jack cheese, Cheddar cheese, 

capers, artichoke hearts, garlic, black pepper and dill. Stir until well 

mixed. Spoon dip into prepared baking pan. Sprinkle with Parmesan 

cheese and Old Bay Seasoning TM . 

Bake in preheated oven until top is crusty, about 15 to 20 minutes. 

Cut the top off the loaf of bread. Hollow out the loaf and cube the 

top and the removed pieces so that they may be used for dipping. 

Spoon hot dip into hollow bread loaf. Serve immediately with bread 

pieces for dipping. 

Page 73

Guacamole 

INGREDIENTS 

3 avocados - peeled, pitted, and mashed 

1 lime, juiced 


1/2 cup diced onion 

3 tablespoons chopped fresh cilantro 

2 roma (plum) tomatoes, diced 

1 teaspoon minced garlic 

1 pinch ground cayenne pepper (optional) 

DIRECTIONS 

In a medium bowl, mash together the avocados, lime juice, and salt. 

Mix in onion, cilantro, tomatoes, and garlic. Stir in cayenne pepper. 

Refrigerate 1 hour for best flavor, or serve immediately. 

Page 74

Pineapple Upside Down Cake 

INGREDIENTS 

1½ cup unsalted butter, plus more for greasing 

4½ cups sugar 

1 small pineapple, peeled, cored, quartered, and sliced crosswise ½” 

thick 

2 cups cake flour 

1 tbsp. baking powder 

½ tsp. salt 

4 eggs 

⅔ cups milk 

1 tbsp. vanilla extract 

DIRECTIONS 

Heat oven to 375°. Grease a 10” cake pan with butter; set aside. 

Bring 3 cups sugar and 1 cup water to a simmer in a 4-qt. saucepan 

over medium-high heat. Cook, without stirring, until sugar is 

melted and golden brown, about 15 minutes. Swirl pan occasionally 

until caramel is an amber color, 2–3 minutes more. Immediately 

pour caramel into prepared pan. Arrange pineapple slices over caramel; 

set aside. 

Whisk flour, baking powder, and salt in a bowl; set aside. Using an 

electric mixer, beat butter and remaining sugar until fluffy, 5 minutes. 

Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition. Add 

milk and vanilla; beat until combined. With the motor running, 

slowly add dry ingredients; beat until batter is smooth, about 2 minutes. 

Pour batter over pineapple; bake until cake is golden and set, 

about 1 hour. Let cool 30 minutes, then invert cake onto a plate. If 

necessary, return cake pan to a 200° oven to remelt hardened caramel; 

pour over top of cake. Let cool before serving. 

Why did God give men penises? 

So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up. 

Page 76

Coconut Macaroonies 

INGREDIENTS 

8 oz. high quality white chocolate 

1 cup coconut oil 

1 1⁄2 cups (10 1⁄2 oz.) sugar 

1 tsp. coconut extract 

1⁄2 tsp. vanilla extract 

1⁄2 tsp. kosher salt 

6 egg whites, lightly beaten 

1 1⁄2 cups coconut flour 

DIRECTIONS 

Heat the oven to 350° and spray a 9-by-13-inch baking pan with 

nonstick baking spray then line the bottom with parchment paper. 

Place the white chocolate in a large bowl and pour the coconut oil 

into a glass measuring cup. Microwave the coconut oil until it’s 

hot to the touch, then pour it over the chocolate and let stand for 

1 minute. Using a whisk, slowly stir the chocolate and oil together 

until smooth. 

Add the sugar, coconut and vanilla extracts, salt, and egg whites 

and stir until well mixed. Add the coconut flour and stir until just 

combined. Scrape the batter into the prepared pan, smooth the top, 

and bake until golden brown and set, 30 to 35 minutes. Transfer the 

baking pan to a rack and let cool completely. Unmold the macaroonies 

from the pan, discard the parchment paper, and cut into 12 

bars to serve. 

What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom? 

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch. 

Page 77

Coconut Cake 

INGREDIENTS 

For the Cake 

Unsalted butter, for greasing 

2 cups flour 

1 cup desiccated coconut 

1 tsp. baking powder 

1 tsp. kosher salt 

1 1⁄2 cups sugar 

3 eggs, separated 

1 1⁄4 cups mayonnaise 

3⁄4 cup coconut milk 

1⁄2 cup plus 1 tbsp. buttermilk 

2 tsp. coconut extract 

2 tsp. vanilla extract 

For the Meringue 

6 egg whites 

1 2⁄3 cups sugar 

3 cups sweetened shredded coconut 

DIRECTIONS 

Make the cake: Heat oven to 325°. Grease three 9” cake pans with 

butter and line with parchment paper; set aside. Whisk flour, 

desiccated coconut, baking powder, and salt in a bowl; set aside. 

Place sugar and egg yolks in the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with a 

paddle attachment; mix until fluffy. Add mayonnaise, coconut milk, 

buttermilk, coconut and vanilla extracts; mix until combined. With 

the motor running, slowly add dry ingredients until batter forms; 

transfer batter to a bowl and set aside. Clean stand mixer bowl and 

add egg whites; replace paddle with whisk attachment. Whip whites 

until soft peaks form; fold into cake batter. Divide batter between 

prepared pans, smoothing tops with a rubber spatula; drop pans 

lightly on a counter to expel large air bubbles. Bake until a toothpick 

inserted in middle comes out clean, about 25 minutes. Let cakes 

cool for 20 minutes in pans; invert onto wire racks and let cool. 

Make the meringue: Using an electric hand mixer, beat egg whites 

in a bowl until medium-stiff peaks form, 5–7 minutes; set aside. 

Page 78

Bring sugar and ¼ cup water to a boil in a 2-qt. sauce pan fitted with a 

candy thermometer; cook, without stirring, until temperature reaches 

250°, 4–5 minutes. With the mixer on low, slowly drizzle hot syrup into 

egg whites until combined. Increase speed to high; beat until meringue 

forms stiff peaks, about 3 minutes more. 

Assemble the cake: Place one cake layer on a cake stand and spread 3 

cups meringue over cake; sprinkle with ¼ cup coconut. Repeat with 

second layer. Place remaining layer on top; cover top and sides with 

remaining meringue and cover outside of cake with remaining coconut, 

pressing lightly to adhere. Chill cake 30 minutes to firm meringue; 

serve chilled or at room temperature. 

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they 

have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right 

wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand 

job!” The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the 

same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, 

“That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!” 

Page 79

Blackberry Cobbler 

INGREDIENTS 

2 ½ cups fresh or frozen (thawed and drained) blackberries 

1 cup sugar 

1 cup Gold Medal all-purpose flour 

2 teaspoons baking powder 

½ teaspoon salt 

1 cup milk 

½ cup butter, melted 

Cream, whipped cream or ice cream, if desired 

DIRECTIONS 

In medium bowl, stir together blackberries and sugar. Let stand 

about 20 minutes or until fruit syrup forms. Heat oven to 375°F. 

In large bowl, stir together flour, baking powder, salt and milk. Stir 

in melted butter until blended. Spread in ungreased 8-inch square 

pan. Spoon blackberry mixture over batter. 

Bake 45 to 55 minutes or until dough rises and is golden. Serve 

warm with cream. 

A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy 

tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. 

“What’s going on here?”, he asks. The guy sobs, “I was driving and 

picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took 

all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up.” The cop 

studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and 

whipped out his dick. “I guess this isn’t your lucky day, pal!” 

Page 80

Banana Cake 

INGREDIENTS 

2lb bananas 

4 eggs 

¾ cup butter 

1 ½ cups sugar 

2 ½ cups self rising flour 

1tsp salt 

½ tsp baking soda 

1 ½ cups chopped walnuts 

¼ cup butter 

1 tbsp cocoa 

3 cups confectioners’ sugar 

Vanilla 

DIRECTIONS 

Grease and flour a deep 8 inch cake pan. Preheat oven to 350 

Put 1 banana aside for the frosting and mash the rest into a smooth 

puree. Beat the eggs. In a large bowl, cream the butter, adding sugar 

slowly till pale and fluffy. Beat in the eggs, then the bananas. Beat 

well till smooth. Sift the flour with the salt and soda. Stir into the 

banana mixture.; Add nuts and quickly pour the batter into prepared 

pan. Bake in center of the oven for 1 ½ - 2 hours or until a 

skewer inserted comes out clean. Unmold onto a cake rack and 

leave to cool 

To make frosting, mash reserved banana to a puree. Place butter 

and cocoa in a pan and heat till butter melts. Pour into banana puree. 

Beat well. Gradually add sifted confectioners’ sugar to make a 

good consistency. Add a few drops of vanilla. Leave for a few minutes, 

then spread on cake. 

Page 81

Chocolate Coconut Balls 

INGREDIENTS 

1 1⁄2 cups unsweetened coconut flakes 

1 3⁄4 cups confectioners’ sugar 

3 tbsp. heavy cream 

1⁄2 tsp. vanilla extract 

1 tsp. cocoa 

2 tbsp. cinnamon 

DIRECTIONS 

Place coconut flakes in a food processor and pulse until finely 

chopped. Transfer coconut to a bowl, add 1 1⁄2 cups of the confectioners’ 

sugar, heavy cream, vanilla, and mix well. 

Spoon out about 1 tbsp. coconut mixture and roll it into a 1’’ ball. 

Repeat process with remaining mixture and set “potatoes” aside to 

rest for 1 hour. 

Combine cocoa, cinnamon, and remaining 2 tbsp. of the confectioners’ 

sugar in a small bowl. Dredge each “potato” in mixture and 

shake off excess. Cover with plastic wrap and store in refrigerator. 

A boy and his friends go to his grandma’s house. They visit for a 

while, and there’s a bowl of peanuts on her table that they all nibble 

on during their time talking to her. As they go to leave, the boy 

says, “Grandma it was really good seeing you.” And his friends say, 

“Yeah, also thanks so much for the peanuts.” She says, “It was good 

to see you too, and I’m glad you enjoyed the peanuts I can’t. Since I 

lost my teeth and only have these dentures, all I can do is suck the 

chocolate off of them.” 

Page 82

Creamy Tropical Dessert 

INGREDIENTS 

Almond Crust 

1 ½ cups Gold Medal all-purpose flour 

1 cup butter or margarine, softened 

½ cup powdered sugar 

½ cup finely chopped almonds 

Dessert 

1 package (8 oz) cream cheese, softened 

⅔ cup granulated sugar 

1 teaspoon vanilla 

1 can (20 oz) pineapple tidbits in juice, drained, 1 cup juice reserved 

1 ½ cups whipping cream 

2 cups miniature marshmallows 

1 tablespoon cornstarch 

1 papaya or mango, peeled, seeded and cut into pieces 

1 kiwifruit, peeled, cut into pieces 

DIRECTIONS 

Heat oven to 400°F. In large bowl, beat flour, butter and powdered 

sugar with electric mixer on low speed 1 minute, scraping bowl 

constantly. Beat on high speed about 2 minutes or until creamy. Stir 

in almonds. Press mixture evenly in bottom of ungreased 13x9-inch 

pan. Bake 12 to 15 minutes or until edges are golden brown. Cool 

completely, about 30 minutes. 

In large bowl, mix cream cheese, granulated sugar and vanilla with 

spoon. Reserve 1/2 cup of the pineapple. Stir remaining pineapple 

into cream cheese mixture. 

In chilled medium bowl, beat whipping cream with electric mixer 

Page 83

on high speed until stiff peaks form. Fold whipped cream and marshmallows 

into cream cheese mixture. Spread over crust. Cover and 

refrigerate at least 4 hours until set but no longer than 48 hours. 

In 1-quart saucepan, place cornstarch. Gradually stir in reserved 1 

cup pineapple juice. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until 

thickened and bubbly. Cook and stir 2 minutes longer. Cool completely, 

about 30 minutes. Fold in reserved 1/2 cup pineapple, the papaya and 

kiwifruit. For servings, cut dessert into 5 rows by 3 rows. Serve with 

fruit mixture. Store covered in refrigerator. 

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex. They just put it 

in, make some noise during 3 minutes, before they collapse on the 

couch and think that their wife should be really happy. 

Page 84

Baked Alaska 

INGREDIENTS 

1/2 c. lemon sorbet 

8 ladyfinger cookies 

3 pt. rippled ice cream or gelato 

6 large egg whites 

1 1/2 c. granulated sugar 

Blowtorch 

DIRECTIONS 

Line a 10 x 5-inch loaf pan with plastic wrap, leaving overhang on 

the two long sides. 

Melt the sorbet in a small saucepan. Line the bottom of the prepared 

pan with the ladyfingers, then drizzle the sorbet over the top. 

Set aside until the cookies absorb the liquid, 10 minutes. 

Meanwhile, bring the ice cream to room temperature for 10 minutes 

or until soft enough to easily remove from containers. Without 

mixing, scoop the ice cream on top of the cookies, using a spatula to 

press into an even layer. Freeze for at least 2 hours or up to 24 hours 

(covering lightly with plastic wrap after 1 hour). 

Bring 1 inch water to a boil in a medium saucepan, then reduce to a 

simmer. Place the egg whites and sugar in the large bowl of an electric 

mixer and set over the saucepan (without touching the water). 

Turn the heat off and whisk the mixture constantly until the sugar 

dissolves, 3 to 5 minutes (test by rubbing a little of the mixture between 

two fingers—you should not feel any grains). 

Transfer the bowl to the electric mixer and, with the whisk attachment, 

whisk the mixture on high speed until stiff glossy peaks form, 

about 7 minutes. Transfer the mixture to a large piping bag fitted 

with a large star tip. 

Using the overhangs, remove the ice cream from the pan and transfer 

to a serving platter, carefully removing the plastic so the cookies 

are on the bottom. Pipe rosettes all over the ice cream; return to the 

freezer to firm up, at least 30 minutes or up to 1 day. 

When ready to serve, toast the meringue lightly with a blowtorch. 

Page 85

Cherry Cheesecake Ice Cream 

INGREDIENTS 

3 c. Cold Heavy Cream 

1 14-oz. can sweetened condensed milk 

1 tsp. pure vanilla extract 

1 c. hand-crushed graham crackers (about 4 whole crackers), plus 

more for serving 

1 c. cherry pie filling 

DIRECTIONS 

Using an electric mixer, beat the cream in a large bowl on medium-high 

speed until stiff peaks form, 2 to 3 minutes. 

Fold in the sweetened condensed milk and vanilla until fully incorporated, 

then fold in the graham cracker crumbs. 

Transfer half the mixture to a large 10 x 5-inch loaf pan. Dollop 1⁄2 

cup pie filling over the top, then swirl with a butter knife. Add remaining 

cream mixture, then swirl in remaining 1⁄2 cup pie filling. 

Freeze until firm, at least 8 hours, covering lightly with plastic wrap 

after 4 hours. Serve with additional graham crackers, if desired. 

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a 

girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly 

man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?” “I’m going to 

commit suicide,” she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, 

he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, “Well, 

before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?” She does, and it is a 

long, deep, lingering kiss. After she’s finished, the tough, hairy biker 

says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That’s a real talent 

you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?” 

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl…” 

Page 86

Peach Yum Yum 

INGREDIENTS 

1 1/2 c. graham cracker crumbs 

6 T. unsalted butter, melted 

1/2 tsp. cinnamon 

pinch ground cloves 

1 (8 oz.) package cream cheese, softened 

1/2 c. + 3 T. granulated sugar, divided 

2 c. whipping cream 

1/2 tsp. vanilla extract 

1 (21 oz.) can peach pie filling 

DIRECTIONS 

PREPARE CRUST: In a bowl, combine graham cracker crumbs, 

cinnamon, and ground cloves. Add melted butter and blend with a 

fork until crumbs are moistened. Set aside 2 tablespoons of crumbs 

to sprinkle on the top. 

Press crumb mixture into the bottom of a 9x9-inch pan that’s been 

sprayed with non-stick cooking spray. 

PREPARE FILLING: With an electric mixer, cream together softened 

cream cheese and 1/2 cup sugar until smooth. In a separate 

bowl, whip the whipping cream , 3 tablespoons sugar, and vanilla 

extract until stiff peaks form. By hand, mix together whipped cream 

and cream cheese mixture until well combined. 

ASSEMBLE YUM YUM LAYERS: Spread a little less than half the 

whipped cream/cream cheese mixture evenly over the crust. Evenly 

spread peach pie filling over the whipped cream layer. Top pie filling 

layer with the remaining whipped cream/cream cheese mixture. 

Sprinkle the top with the reserved graham cracker crumbs. 

Refrigerate for several hours or overnight. 

Two old country boys are going into business buying watermelons 

for a dollar a piece, and then selling them for a dollar a piece. At the 

end of the season they realize they haven’t made any money, so the 

one says to the other, “What do you think, bro?” The other country 

boy looks at him and says, “Well, it’s pretty obvious. We’re going to 

need a bigger truck!” 

Page 87

Banana Pie with Meringue 

INGREDIENTS 

1 cup packed brown sugar 

1 egg 

2 egg yolks 

1 tablespoon all-purpose flour 

1 1/2 cups milk 

6 bananas, peeled and sliced 

1 (16 ounce) package vanilla wafer cookies 

2 egg whites 

3 1/2 tablespoons white sugar 

DIRECTIONS 

Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F (220 degrees C). 

Line the bottom of a 1 1/2 quart casserole dish with vanilla wafer 

cookies. Top with a layer of banana slices. Repeat layers until you 

reach the top of the dish or run out of bananas. Set aside. 

In a large saucepan, stir together the brown sugar and flour so there 

are no lumps. Mix in the egg and egg yolks. Gradually stir in the 

milk while warming over low heat, stirring constantly until the 

mixture becomes thick enough to coat the back of a metal spoon. 

Remove from the heat and allow to cool for about 1 minute. Then, 

pour the hot pudding evenly over the layers of banana and cookie 

in the casserole dish. 

In a separate clean bowl, whip the egg whites with an electric mixer 

until they can hold a soft peak. Gradually sprinkle in the sugar 

while continuing to whip until they can hold a firm peak. Use a 

spatula to spread the meringue over the top of the casserole. 

Bake in the preheated oven until the meringue has browned, 5 to 10 

minutes. Serve warm or at room temperature. 

A fellow takes his pet monkey into the bar and there’s a bowl of 

peanuts. Oddly, the monkey is taking each peanut and sticking it 

in his rectum and then removing it and eating it. After awhile, the 

bartender says, “Jeeze, that’s disgusting! What is that all about?” The 

guy says, “Last week, we were at a pool hall and he swallowed a cue 

ball. Ever since then he measures all his food.” 

Page 88

Kentucky Butter Cake 

INGREDIENTS 

3 cups unbleached all-purpose flour 

2 cups white sugar 


1 teaspoon baking powder 

1/2 teaspoon baking soda 

1 cup buttermilk 

1 cup butter 

2 teaspoons vanilla extract 

4 eggs 

3/4 cup white sugar 

1/3 cup butter 


2 teaspoons vanilla extract 

DIRECTIONS 

Preheat oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C). Grease and flour a 

10 inch Bundt pan. 

In a large bowl, mix the flour, 2 cups sugar, salt, baking powder and 

baking soda. Blend in buttermilk, 1 cup of butter, 2 teaspoons of 

vanilla and 4 eggs. Beat for 3 minutes at medium speed. Pour batter 

into prepared pan. 

Bake in preheated oven for 60 minutes, or until a wooden toothpick 

inserted into center of cake comes out clean. Prick holes in the still 

warm cake. Slowly pour butter sauce over cake. Let cake cool before 

removing from pan. 

To Make Butter Sauce: In a saucepan combine the remaining 3/4 

cups sugar, 1/3 cup butter, 2 teaspoons vanilla, and the water. 

Cook over medium heat, until fully melted and combined, but do 

not boil. 

Page 89

Pig Pickin Cake 

INGREDIENTS 

1 (18.25 ounce) package yellow cake mix 

1 (11 ounce) can mandarin oranges, juice reserved 

4 eggs 

1/4 cup vegetable oil 

1 (16 ounce) package frozen whipped topping, thawed 

1 (15 ounce) can crushed pineapple, drained 

1 (3.5 ounce) package instant vanilla pudding mix 

DIRECTIONS 

Mix together cake mix, canned oranges with juice, eggs, and oil. 

Pour batter into three greased and floured 8 inch round pans. Layers 

will be thin. 

Bake at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 25 to 30 minutes, or until 

cake tests done. Cool layers on wire racks. Mix together whipped 

topping, drained pineapple, and instant pudding mix. Fill and frost 

the cooled cake. Refrigerate until ready to eat. 

A salesman is travelling through the country and his car breaks 

down in front of a small farm. While he’s waiting for AAA, he 

strikes up a conversation with the farmer. As they are talking, a 

three legged pig comes around the corner. He says, “Well, that’s 

an unusual pig.” The farmer says, “He sure is. He’s an amazing pig. 

In fact, just last month, he saved a bus load of kids.” The salesman 

says, “Wow! How’d he do that?” “Well, he darted out in front of the 

bus, refused to move, and just stood there saying ‘oink, oink, oink.’ 

Moments later, the bridge just fell into the water!” replied the farmer. 

“That’s incredible!” said the salesman. “That’s nothing! Just two 

weeks ago, our house caught on fire, and in ran the pig, ‘oink oink 

oink,’ alerted us, and got the whole family out!” “You’ve got to be 

kidding!” said the salesman. “Even last week, he came running up 

to me ‘oink oink oink’ to let me know my youngest boy had fallen 

down the well,” said the farmer. Then the farmer paused, looked 

perplexed, and said, “Let me ask you friend, if you had a pig like 

that, would you eat him all at once?” 

Page 90

Adult Root Beer Float 

In a pint glass, add 1 bottle of Not Your Father’s Root Beer, 1 shot of 

Vanilla vodka, and 1 large scoop of vanilla ice cream. 

Adult Tootsie Roll 

Pour 1/2 ounce vodka, 1/2 ounce Kahlua, and 1-2 ounces of orange 

juice over ice. Shake slightly and serve. 

Georgia Peach 

Shake over ice 2 ounces of peach schnapps and 3 ounces of orange 

juice. Strain into a shilled martini glass and add 4 drops of grenadine. 

The grenadine will sink to the bottom and the drink will look 

like a peach. 

Bourbon Maple Manhattan 

In a rocks glass, add ice, 2 ounces bourbon, 3/4 ounce sweet vermouth, 

splash of regular or orange bitters, 2 drops of maple syrup 

and stir. Add 1 piece of crisp bacon with a cherry for a garnish. 

Watermelon Sangria 

In a large pitcher the night before, add 1/2 cup apricot brandy, 1/2 

cup Triple sec, and 1 cup sugar with 1/2 cup white grapes and 1 bottle 

of pino grigio and store in the fridge. 3 hours before serving, add 

fresh cubed watermelon and continue to chill. When ready to serve, 

add ice, stir well and top off with more wine. 

A fellow upstairs is dying, and he smells the fresh aroma of 

chocolate chip cookies baking downstairs and it’s driving him nuts. 

He’s just got to have a fresh cookie! So he crawls all the way down 

the hall, then down the stairs, all the way into the kitchen. Just as he 

gets to the counter, and as it takes everything he has to just reach up 

and get one of those delicious cookies… His wife comes swooping in 

from around the corner and slaps his hand says, “NO! Those are for 

the funeral!” 

Page 92

Chocolate Martini 

In a chilled martini glass, slightly drizzle chocolate syrup around the 

inside of the glass. In a shaker filled with ice, add 1 ounce vanilla 

vodka, 1/2 ounce amaretto, 1/2 ounce Irish cream, 1 1/2 ounce of 

chocolate cream or clear liqueur and 1/2 ounce half and half. Shake 

well and strain into glass. 

Twisted Banana 

In a glass filled with ice, add 1 ounce creme de banana schnapps, 

1 ounce Irish cream and 1 ounce of half and half. Shake well and 

serve. 

Cherry Lemon Fizz 

In a tall glass filled with ice, add 2 ounces cherry vodka, 1/2 ounce 

triple sec, 2 ounces sweet and sour mix, and shake well. Top with 

soda water or a lemon lime soda. Garnish with a cherry and fresh 

lemon wedge. 

A 65 year old virgin goes to the doctor. she says, “ Doc let me hear 

about STDs, something ain’t right down there.” He says, “Let me 

examine you.” She says, Do I have and STD?” He says, “No. You have 

fruit flies. Your cherry is rotting.” 

A man runs into the bar he says, “Bartender, Bartender, quick, give 

me a drink! You don’t want what I’ve got!” Immediately the bartender 

runs, pours him a drink and gives it to him. He slams the drink, 

and the bartender looks at him and says, “Oh my gosh, what do you 

have?” The man says, “$0.75” 

How do a nun, a prostitute, and a housewife eat a banana? The nun 

breaks it into little pieces and eats it piece by piece. The prostitute 

goes down on it, and the housewife puts her hand behind your head 

and forces herself to go down on it. 

Page 93

Page Index 

Beef Bacon Rolls ................... 6 

Sister Helen’s Meatloaf .............. 7 

Luscious Chopped Steak ............ 8 

Filet Mignon with Madeira Sauce .... 9 

Hong Kong Flank Steak ............ 10 

Orange Marinated Flank Steak ...... 11 

Beef Tenderloin Steaks on Potato Galettes 

with Mustard Sauce .............. 12 

Veal Piccata ...................... 14 

Rolled Steak Stuffed with Asparagus . 15 

Peppered Rib Eye Steaks ........... 16 

Prime Rib Steaks with Roasted Shallots 

and Butter Sauce ................ 17 

Supreme Corned Beef Hash ........ 18 

Strip Steaks with Rosemary Butter. . . 19 

Slow Cooker Pot Roast With 

Vegetables ...................... 21 

Steak Salad Sandwiches with Capers . 22 

Pork Rib Roast with Rosemary 

and Garlic ...................... 24 

Grilled Jerk Marinated Pork Kebabs . 26 

Walnut Crusted Pork Chops with 

Autumn Vegetable Wild Rice. . . . . . 27 


Smashed Potatoes ............... 29 

Shrimp Scampi ................... 31 

Shrimp a la Pepino ................ 32 

New Orleans Style BBQ Shrimp ..... 34 

Petrella Bros. Pinot Grigio Shrimp .. 35 

Roasted Pecan Shrimp ............. 36 

Fried Coconut Shrimp ............. 37 

Scallops with Brussels Sprouts 

& Bacon ....................... 38 

Prosciutto Wrapped Shrimp ....... 40 

Pan Seared Scallops with Bacon 

and Spinach .................... 41 

Clam Chowder ................... 42 

Pecan Crusted Tilapia ............. 43 

Oyster Salad ..................... 44 

Island Shrimp with Calypso Rice .... 45 

Crab Cakes ...................... 46 

Bok Choy Chicken Stir Fry ......... 48 

Oven Fried Mustard Chicken ....... 49 

Chicken Liver Crostini ............ 50 

Black’nd Blue Buffalo Chicken Sliders.51 

Chicken Marasla with Sage ......... 52 

Perfect Panko Chicken with 

Hummus ....................... 53 

Spicy Chicken and Mango Stir Fry .. 54 

Roasted Chicken with Onions, Potatoes, 

and Gravy ...................... 55 

Oven Fried Panko Chicken ......... 57 

Chicken Piccata .................. 58 

Chicken with Saffron Rice .......... 59 

Roast Chicken with Rosemary 

& Garlic ........................ 60 

Sesame Crusted Roast Chicken ..... 61 

Tuscan Fried Chicken ............. 62 

Marmalade Baked Chicken ......... 63 

Chicken with Sour Cream 

& Paprika ...................... 64 

Crispy Scallion Potato Pancakes ..... 66 

Sausage Stuffed Cherry Peppers ..... 68 

Spinach Pinwheels ................ 69 

Buttermilk Corn Fritters ........... 70 

Buffalo Chicken Dip. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 71 

Fried Artichoke Hearts ............ 72 

Hot Crab Dip .................... 73 

Guacamole ....................... 74 

Pineapple Upside Down Cake ...... 76 

Coconut Macaroonies ............. 77 

Coconut Cake .................... 78 

Blackberry Cobbler ............... 80 

Banana Cake ..................... 81 

Chocolate Coconut Balls ........... 82 

Creamy Tropical Dessert ........... 83 

Baked Alaska ..................... 84 

Cherry Cheesecake Ice Cream ...... 85 

Peach Yum Yum .................. 87 

Banana Pie with Meringue ......... 88 

Kentucky Butter Cake ............. 89 

Pig Pickin Cake ................... 90 

Cocktails ........................ 92

Recipe Index 

Baked Alaska ..................... 84 

Banana Cake ..................... 81 

Banana Pie with Meringue ......... 88 

Beef Bacon Rolls ................... 6 

Beef Tenderloin Steaks on Potato 

Galettes with Mustard Sauce ...... 12 

Black’nd Blue Buffalo Chicken Sliders.51 

Blackberry Cobbler ............... 80 

Bok Choy Chicken Stir Fry ......... 48 

Buffalo Chicken Dip. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 71 

Buttermilk Corn Fritters ........... 70 

Cherry Cheesecake Ice Cream ...... 85 

Chicken Liver Crostini ............ 50 

Chicken Marasla with Sage ......... 52 

Chicken Piccata .................. 58 

Chicken with Saffron Rice .......... 59 

Chicken with Sour Cream & Paprika. 64 

Chocolate Coconut Balls ........... 82 

Clam Chowder ................... 42 

Cocktails ........................ 92 

Coconut Cake .................... 78 

Coconut Macaroonies ............. 77 

Crab Cakes ...................... 46 

Creamy Tropical Dessert ........... 83 

Crispy Scallion Potato Pancakes ..... 66 

Filet Mignon with Madeira Sauce .... 9 

Fried Artichoke Hearts ............ 72 

Fried Coconut Shrimp ............. 37 

Grilled Jerk Marinated Pork Kebabs . 26 

Guacamole ....................... 74 

Hong Kong Flank Steak ............ 10 

Hot Crab Dip .................... 73 

Island Shrimp with Calypso Rice .... 45 

Kentucky Butter Cake ............. 89 

Luscious Chopped Steak ............ 8 

Marmalade Baked Chicken ......... 63 

New Orleans Style BBQ Shrimp ..... 34 

Orange Marinated Flank Steak ...... 11 

Oven Fried Mustard Chicken ....... 49 

Oven Fried Panko Chicken ......... 57 

Oyster Salad ..................... 44 

Pan Seared Scallops with Bacon 

and Spinach .................... 41 

Peach Yum Yum .................. 87 

Pecan Crusted Tilapia ............. 43 

Peppered Rib Eye Steaks ........... 16 

Perfect Panko Chicken with 

Hummus ....................... 53 

Petrella Bros. Pinot Grigio Shrimp .. 35 

Pig Pickin Cake ................... 90 

Pineapple Upside Down Cake ...... 76 


Smashed Potatoes ............... 29 

Pork Rib Roast with Rosemary 

and Garlic ...................... 24 

Prime Rib Steaks with Roasted Shallots 

and Butter Sauce ................ 17 

Prosciutto Wrapped Shrimp ....... 40 

Roast Chicken with Rosemary 

& Garlic ........................ 60 

Roasted Chicken with Onions, 

Potatoes, and Gravy ............. 55 

Roasted Pecan Shrimp ............. 36 

Rolled Steak Stuffed with Asparagus . 15 

Sausage Stuffed Cherry Peppers ..... 68 

Scallops with Brussels Sprouts 

& Bacon ....................... 38 

Sesame Crusted Roast Chicken ..... 61 

Shrimp a la Pepino ................ 32 

Shrimp Scampi ................... 31 

Sister Helen’s Meatloaf .............. 7 

Slow Cooker Pot Roast With 

Vegetables ...................... 21 

Spicy Chicken and Mango Stir Fry .. 54 

Spinach Pinwheels ................ 69 

Steak Salad Sandwiches with Capers . 22 

Strip Steaks with Rosemary Butter. . . 19 

Supreme Corned Beef Hash ........ 18 

Tuscan Fried Chicken ............. 62 

Veal Piccata ...................... 14 

Walnut Crusted Pork Chops with 

Autumn Vegetable Wild Rice. . . . . . 27

2019 

JJ Sully

Jackie's Cookbook 6x9 060519 w Bleed

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