NG2 December/January 2020

The
Christmas
Present Tale
We have never been an extravagant present
giving family and every year I dread the whole
present buying shenanigans. I know I am a
miserable old Grinch but I can’t help it, along
with an aversion to cleaning, it’s genetic...
My mum prides herself on sourcing unusual
and often, it has to be said, strange gifts. As
a supporter of many a worthy cause she uses
their Christmas catalogues for inspiration.
Inevitably one of us will end up with a CD of
whale mating calls (usually Gary, thankfully!)
or a microwavable pillow stuffed with cherry
pips (yes that really was a thing).
Another recent corker (pun intended) was
a wine tasting evening for four (also given
to Gary). It sounded great. Free wine and
the promise of a complimentary bottle at the
end of the night. We persuaded two mates
(who don’t have naughty dogs) to host the
evening. I have to say it was one of the
most cringe worthy nights ever. Mr Vino
turned up with his cool box and proceeded
to give us dolls house sized samples whilst
generously topping his own glass up. At the
end of the evening he asked us for our order.
Tumbleweed blew across the fl oor... to fill the
crashing silence I foolishly asked how much
for a bottle...the cheapest was about £19,
minimum order of 12!!! Cue more tumbleweed
and stifl ed giggling. Then Mr Vino turned
nasty as he was ushered out by my poor
friend who hasn’t invited us back since.
Every year there are always smellies and
pants. I usually get a gift set of talc and
soap (does anyone even use these toiletries
anymore?). To make matters worse it is
usually lavender scented. Not being funny
but I’m not 90 yet (although by the end of
Christmas I usually look and feel it). And then
we get to the comedy pants (Gary again)...
Always hilariously over-sized and usually
with some super hero theme. However, when
these start to be worn on a daily basis (as
pointed out by youngest son), they are no
longer remotely funny and you know it’s time
for a trip to M&S.
Once the presents are purchased they must
be wrapped. Sitting cross legged on the
bedroom fl oor surrounded by paper, sellotape
and weirdly shaped gifts (why do I do that?)
I take a deep breath and begin, consuming
at least one chocolate orange in the process
(sorry dad, I’ll get you another one). Which
reminds me, a couple of years ago my dad
really excelled himself by wrapping presents
up in tin foil as he couldn’t be arsed to get
wrapping paper...and you wonder where I get
it from!
I will end on a note about cards. Why buy
Christmas cards for your nearest and dearest
when you can use the British Red Cross
freebies that come through the post? Yes
boys, I know...
I hope you all get what you wish for (and
plenty besides).
Merry Christmas.
© Ali Wale