Focus on the Family Magazine - April/May 2020

Helping Families Thrive in Christ
APRIL / MAY 2020
Canada
FEELING
TRAPPED?
FIND HOPE FOR
YOUR MARRIAGE
HANDLING KID’S
BLOWUPS &
MELTDOWNS
DR. TYLER
SEXTON
A Faith that
Triumphs

Paperback
Recharge your marriage by reclaiming the joy of
laughing together! Ted Cunningham gives you and
your spouse permission to make fun a priority and
shows you how to create moments of playful silliness
in the midst of the mundane. So go ahead and connect
with your inner comic. You’ll lighten the load of your
everyday life, reduce stress and grow closer!
order online at shop.focusonthefamily.ca or call 1.800.661.9800

April / May
Couples
11 DATE NIGHT CHALLENGE:
THE PENNY GAME
Try this fun idea for
connecting with your spouse
by Leah Gibson
12 FEELING TRAPPED?
Find hope for your marriage
by Karen Scalf Bouchard
17 MAJORING IN THE MINORS
Showing my wife I’m tuned in to the
little things makes a big difference in
our marriage
by Jared Hottenstein
18 THE MARRIAGE OF YOUR DREAMS
A shared vision for the future will
strengthen your relationship
by Erin Smalley
In Every
Issue
4 A LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT
5 HACKS & FACTS
46 MY THRIVING FAMILY
Kids & Teens
35 BLOWUPS AND MELTDOWNS
How to respond to your kids’
intense emotions
by Dr. Todd Cartmell
39 CONVERSATION: IT DOES
A BRAIN GOOD
Five tools to help you create an
environment of healthy dialogue
with your kids
by Danny Huerta
40 PARENTING ISN’T PAINT-BY-
NUMBERS
Discover how each child is a
masterpiece, uniquely created by God
by Connie Albers
43 SURVIVING A BIG MOVE
Tips for preparing your special-needs
child to transition with less anxiety
by Julie E. Holmquist
44 BLENDING LESSONS
Help extended family welcome
and include your stepkids
by Diane Stark
Faith &
Inspiration
21 THE REST OF THE STORY
The grand narrative of the Gospel
helps us better understand the
importance of Easter
by Michael Ridgeway
25 IN LOVING ARMS
A former hospice nurse found her
calling in caring for “the least of these”
by Matt Kaufman
28 TYLER’S TRIUMPH
When others said no, God said yes
by Joe Maxwell
31 LET’S TALK ABOUT LIFE
Yes, you can speak confidently about
the sanctity of life with your proabortion
friends
by Brittany Raymer
34 A TASTE OF FAITH
Share the love of God with your
children around the family table
by Sheri Rose Shepherd
April / May 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 3

A LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT
Terence Rolston is
president of <strong>Focus</strong> on the
Family Canada
the gift
of Easter
WHAT THOUGHTS and emotions
come to your mind and heart when you
think of Easter?
For me, it’s a mixture of captivating
thoughts that bring hope, joy and deep gratitude.
I’m awe inspired as I envision the
resurrection of Christ, the breaking of the
dawn of eternal life secured through His
completed work on the Cross. My heart
swells with adoration and love for my Lord as I contemplate
the sacrifice He made and the suffering He endured to secure
my salvation and to give me everlasting life!
If you haven’t recently reflected on the gift of God’s salvation
through Christ and how much He loves you, I hope you’ll
take a few minutes today to do just that. And I also trust the
experience you have in that moment will be similar to mine
and you will find renewed hope, assurance of God’s love and
a joy that only God can give.
We need moments of inspiration and we also need help
now and then to improve our marriage, to better guide our
children and to work through the challenges life brings. Not
all the answers can be found in one magazine, but I’m hopeful
you will find some new insights in this month’s issue,
along with inspiration from the stories and maybe a few tips
you can share with someone else to bless them.
If you don’t find what you are needing help with, please
check out our website <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca or give us a call
at 1-800-661-9800 and one of our dedicated team members
will help you find what you are looking for.
I hope today and in the days that follow, you will be regularly
reminded of how much you are loved and give thanks to
our resurrected Lord who suffered so much so that you might
have eternal life!
Terence Rolston
FOTF CA / DAVID PIECHNIK
president Jim Daly
chief operating officer Ken Windebank
publisher Steve Johnson
focus canada president Terence Rolston
editorial director Michael Ridgeway
managing editor Andrea Gutierrez
sr. associate editor Vance Fry
sr. associate editor Marianne Hering
copy chief Scott DeNicola
community/culture editor Thomas Jeffries
parenting editor Sheila Seifert
marriage editor Troy Griepentrog
contributing editor Ginger Kolbaba
art director Brian Mellema
designer Anneka Jack
cover Jennie Tewell
media publishing director Kevin Shirin
editorial assistant Kat Bittner
print production Gail Wise
circulation Sandy Grivy
Thank you!
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family provides this magazine and
other resources through the generosity of friends
like you. <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/donate
For a subscription, go to <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/
magazine.
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family magazine April/May 2020, Vol. 5,
No. 2 ISSN 2471-5921, © 2020 <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family.
All rights reserved. Published by <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family,
a nonprofit organization recognized for tax-deductible
giving by the federal government. <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family is
a federally registered trademark of <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family.
This magazine is a ministry publication. If you are not
on our mailing list, please contact us about receiving
this publication.
To notify us of an address change or to contact <strong>Focus</strong>
on the Family: 9946 80A Ave, Langley, BC, V2Y 0J8;
800‐661‐9800; info@fotf.ca.
Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are
from the Holy Bible, English Standard Version ® (ESV ® ).
Copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry
of Good News Publishers. All rights reserved. ESV Text
Edition: 2016.
IMPORTANT NOTICE! By submitting letters and other
materials, you agree 1) they become the property of
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family and will not be returned; 2) <strong>Focus</strong>
on the Family, its assigns and licensees, have been
granted the nonexclusive right to use and/or
reproduce the materials in any manner for any
purpose. Our agreement is made in Colorado and
controlled by Colorado law.
Send author submissions to
<strong>Focus</strong>MagSubmissions@family.org.
REPRINT PERMISSION:
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/permissions
Return undeliverable Canadian addresses to:
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family, 19946 80A Avenue, Langley, BC
V2Y 0J8; 800-661-9800; info@fotf.ca;
GST# 10684 5969 RT0001
Printed in the U.S.A. Paper manufactured by a mill that
practices sustainable forestry.
4
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / May 2020

WALKING THROUGH HOLY WEEK 1
Hacks & Facts
CLEVER IDEAS FOR SMARTER PARENTING
CELEBRATE
EASTER
A few years ago, my middle child
randomly asked me, “Why don’t we
prepare for celebrating Easter like
we do during Advent at Christmas?”
It was a good question. I set out
to plan some simple activities and
readings to help our family reflect
on the events of Holy Week. And
to celebrate Jesus’ resurrection, I
created a cake with “He is Risen!”
written on it. My family enjoyed it
together on Easter morning as we
read from Scripture in celebration
of what Jesus did for us (Galatians
2:20).
—Melissa Furnell
FOTF / ANNEKA JACK
Find great activities to prepare
your family for Easter at
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Easter.
Bring the Easter story
to life for your kids
Daily activities • Recipes • Scavenger Hunt
Seder Meal • Games • puzzles

HACKS & FACTS / EASTER
Resurrection Playlist
One way my family tries to reclaim the magnitude of
Easter is to celebrate it like we do Christmas, with a
song playlist. Our children, 4 and 6, love Kari Jobe’s
“Forever,” Matt Maher’s “Christ is risen” and Sean
Carter’s “passion Song.” We listen to our playlist regularly
to help focus our hearts on the risen Christ, the
reason we celebrate Easter.
—John Thomas
The Question Jar
To keep our dinner conversations from getting
dull, i’ve placed a jar of questions in the center
of the table. There are serious questions such
as “What does it mean to be a disciple of
Christ?” and silly questions like “if you started a
restaurant, what would be the strangest item
on the menu?” During the Easter season, the
jar is filled with questions like these:
• Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey. if
you could name that donkey, what would
you name it?
• What is one new way we could celebrate
what happened at Easter?
• Why do you think the crowd chose to
release Barabbas instead of Jesus?
(Matthew 27:15-26).
• Jesus told the criminal hanging on the cross
beside him, “Today you will be with me in
paradise” (luke 23:43). What did He mean?
We’ve had some amazing discussions. And
whenever we go through all the questions, i
come up with new slips to refresh the jar.
—Shawn King
Puzzled Eggs
i picked five main points of the Easter story and found five
pictures to match: Jesus before pontius pilate; Jesus carrying
the Cross; Jesus on the Cross; the stone rolled away from the
tomb; and the empty tomb. i glued the pictures onto cardstock
and cut them into puzzle pieces. Then i took all the
puzzle pieces, mixed them up and put them in plastic Easter
eggs, which i hid around the house.
The kids had to find all the pieces and assemble the five
different puzzles, and then put the pictures in the correct
order. As a family, we were able to talk about the Easter
story because the activity held the kids’ attention and
allowed them to interact with the events surrounding the
resurrection.
Note: The puzzles can be made for younger or older
children by cutting the puzzle pieces larger or smaller.
—Tina Claxton
FOTF / ANNEKA JACK
6
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / MAy 2020

PRAYER / HACKS & FACTS
TEACHING KIDS TO HEAR GOD
BY LIZ LASSA
When my daughter was 4, we would pray after our
bedtime Bible story. i told her that prayer was our
time to talk and listen to God.
My daughter said, “But, Mommy, i can’t hear God.”
As parents, we can help our kids listen for God by
showing them how to meditate on His Word. Once
my kids learned to read, i used these steps to train
them to hear God better:
1. read a devotional with Scripture(s) or a Bible
passage you studied in a previous Sunday
school lesson.
2. Write a sentence (kids) or a few sentences
(tweens) on the following prompts:
Examine your heart
• reflect on whether you need to confess anything,
even if it’s just a crabby attitude or an unkind
thought.
• Write down any prayer requests or current concerns
you have.
• Tell how God has demonstrated His love for you,
big or small, or any “coincidences” that have happened
that could be God working in your life.
• Thank God for something that He has provided,
and write a sentence that praises Him.
Meditate on Scripture
• Consider what stood out to you in
the Bible passage you just read and
underline it.
• Write the lesson you learned or the
main point of that reading. Where
have you heard this message or idea
before?
• Describe what you feel are the actions
God wants you to take based on His
truth and that lesson. (i reminded my
children that God wouldn’t ask them
to do anything that went against His
character, rules or biblical principles.)
Then ask God to help you complete
this action.
When my children did this exercise
once a week, they often began to see
God moving in their daily lives through
Scripture, circumstances and convictions.
This made God and His Word
more relevant to them.
liz lassa is the author of The Spiritual Circle Journal
and The Spiritual Journal for Kids & Teens and is a
sought-after speaker.
April / MAy 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 7

HACKS & FACTS / SIBLINGS
Taking a Break From Bickering
My two youngest children were born 18 months apart. During their preschool
years, they bickered a lot. One day in the car, to stop my children
from bickering, I said, “Robert, look out your window,” and “Kristin, look
out of yours!”
To my surprise, it worked! They grew interested in what was going
past them out their respective windows and were given the needed
break from each other. Eventually I would tell them it was OK to look at
each other again, and they were fine.
—Harriet E. Michael
Training Kids to Be Friends
My husband and I trained our daughters to be friends by:
1. <strong>Focus</strong>ing on the positive qualities of their relationship.
If one did something thoughtful for the other, it was
announced and praised.
2. Teaching them to ask before borrowing something
and to respect each other’s privacy.
3. Treating them as equals, not favoring one over the
other.
—Jennifer S. Shiakallis
Squelch the Belch
In my house, a burp elicits the response,
“What do you say?” All of the kids know
the answer: “Excuse me.”
To help my kids not be rude or make
a cutting comment to their siblings, I
give them the same response: “What
do you say?”
The first time I did this, confusion
spread across my son’s face.
My son insisted, “But I didn’t burp.”
I told him that the words we speak
to our siblings come from the overflow
of what’s in our heart (Luke 6:45).
It’s hard to contain what’s in our heart.
Burps are pretty disgusting, and so
are hurtful words. My kids understood
the point and are reminded of it again
every time they have to say “Excuse
me” to each other.
—Jared Hottenstein
Respectfully Communicating
Teaching my tweens how to communicate respectfully started
with us, their parents. For example, if I asked my daughter to do
something extra for me when she was swamped with homework,
she could say, “May I add more information?” Then she could tell
me about the extra homework she had or why she couldn’t do
what I asked at that moment.
I also taught my kids to use similar respectful comments when
communicating with each other. Obviously, it’s impossible to
expect children to never argue and always communicate like polite
adults, but it’s a valuable life lesson to help them use civil language
and reason together with mutual respect.
—Tannis Oliveri
CREDIT STOCKSY.COM TK / JESSE CHAMBERLIN
8
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / May 2020

SIBLINGS / HACKS & FACTS
Clothing Squabbles
The two tween girls in my home are the same size.
Sharing clothes has become the norm, but sometimes
they borrow each other’s clothes without asking. So
I've established a few rules: Clothing received as a gift
or purchased with their own money does not have to
be shared. Hand-me-down clothing and shoes, however,
can be shared.
Should one sister want to wear something that
belongs to the other, she must present an equal
clothing exchange option to her sister. After wearing
the item once, the borrower must put the item into
her sister’s hamper without being reminded. They
understand that ruining an item, even by accident,
requires replacing.
Should either girl struggle to follow these rules, our
daughters must take a break from sharing
until they agree once again to the family clothing
guidelines.
—Kelly D. McManus
Encouragement Rocks
One day, a friend gave us a jar of rocks with a fruit
of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) written on each rock.
After dinner, we passed the jar around the table. Each
person chose a rock and shared how a family member
had demonstrated that positive character quality.
Encouraging each other around the dinner table shows
our triplets how to be encouraging to one another.
—Linsey Driskill
Siblings Bearing
Snacks
Sometimes it feels like I’m raising an army
of young children. Instead of constantly
running snacks and milk to them, I ask an
older sibling to bring them snacks. The
chosen food “messenger” learns how to
be the giver of good things, and the food
helps create positive feelings between
brothers and sisters.
—Rachel Meeks
Settling Arguments
CREDIT TK
Two of my boys enjoyed playing together but would
often end up fighting. When they were 5 and 8, I
started telling them to go to their beds since they
shared a bedroom. They weren’t allowed to get off of
their beds until they had worked out their argument.
This kept my boys at a safe distance, while still keeping
them close enough to talk when they were ready.
Desiring a quick end to their sequestered time motivated
them to work out their differences. The process
also helped them learn how to listen to each other.
—Lana Newton
April / May 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 9

HACKS & FACTS / BEDTIME
Soothing Sounds
As my baby grew, i found that previous calming
solutions, such as bouncing and rocking, no longer
worked. So i turned on music or white noise and let
it play until he fell asleep. This helped calm him and
seemed to aid in the development of his self-soothing
ability.
Ready to Rest
—Sadie Greever
All white noise should be below 50
decibels. Otherwise the sound levels may
be unsafe for an infant’s hearing.
source: Pediatrics
After much trial and error, i have learned two ways to
help my 3-year-old get to sleep better at night: i keep
her bedtime routine at the same time each night,
whenever possible, and make sure she gets plenty
of physical activity during the day. Kids need a lot of
physical play and time to use their imaginations. Then
their bodies are ready to rest.
—Emily Yang
One-on-One
With Mommy
Since there’s only one of me and four of my children,
i give them each five to 10 minutes of special time at
night, called “Mommy time,” starting at 7:30. Once
they’re in their jammies and on their beds, they have to
stay in bed and wait. They’re not allowed to interrupt
a sibling’s Mommy time. During those moments, a
child may share about his or her day, we might read a
story, or we just snuggle and pray. i let them know i’m
fully listening.
Winding Down
—Missy Knechel
Falling asleep was difficult for my son. He would lie
there, and his mind would race, thinking about the
day’s events. To help him, i had a chat with him each
night so he could talk through the day’s events. This
allowed him to wind down, instead of him lying in bed
replaying his day. Sleep then came much easier for him.
—Jessica Tyson
Too Tired for Bedtime?
i get extremely tired after a full day, so our young
kids’ bedtime routine would get prolonged—resulting
in cranky kids. Whenever possible, i tried starting their
bedtime routine (i.e., baths, brushing teeth, pajamas)
right after dinner, instead of right before bed. Getting
their routine done earlier helped bedtime go much
more smoothly.
—Evie Palmer
64%
of parents read to their
kids under 7 at bedtime
source: Littlewoods
Kids with consistent nightly
routines tend to sleep better.
source: American Academy of Sleep Medicine
FOTF / ANNEKA JACK
10
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / May 2020

Couples
the penny
game
Try this fun idea for
connecting with
your spouse
ISTOCK.COM / CUNAPLUS_M.FABA ; ISTOCK.COM / JONATHANSLOANE
SHORTLY AFTER my husband,
Josh, and i got married, we learned
about the “penny game.”
The gist of the game is to hop in
the car with your spouse and flip
a penny. Heads means the driver
will turn left, and tails means the
driver will turn right. The next rule
is to choose how many flips you
will make before reaching your
unknown destination. The final rule
is that you have to carry out your
date wherever the penny takes you.
Our date location just happened
to be a gas station parking lot! Josh
went inside the adjacent convenience
store and bought snacks
and a blanket. We had the most
romantic picnic ever because we
learned a secret: it’s not about
where you go or how much you
spend; it’s about the person you’re
with and God’s love that binds you
together.
—Leah Gibson
Take the challenge
Get in the car and play the penny
game. Sometime during your date,
discuss these questions with your
spouse:
• in what ways has our marriage
taken some fortunate “turns”
that you didn’t expect when we
got married?
• What are the predictable routines
in our marriage that offer you
stability and peace?
• in what ways can we add
more spontaneity to our times
together?
April / May 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 11

COuPLES / MARRIAGE HOPE
Find hope for your marriage
BY KAREN SCALF BOUCHARD
“I FEEL STUCK AND BROKEN,
and there’s no way out.” Amanda’s*
eyes filled with tears as she whispered
her painful secret to her best friend.
In the background, Amanda’s children
laughed as they played in the
fast-food restaurant’s climbing area.
“You’re seeing that new counselor
tomorrow, right? Maybe she’ll have
some ideas,” Lauren suggested.
“Maybe,” Amanda conceded, but
her voice was hollow.
For years, Amanda had tried to cope
in a hostile marriage devoid of love
or kindness. But nothing had helped.
She felt more depressed, hopeless and
exhausted than ever before.
Some days she could barely get
out of bed.
While we often praise people
who learn how to adapt and cope in
difficult circumstances, clinical psychologist
David Hawkins paints a
stark picture of what that can look
like for a wife or a husband in a
toxic marriage.
Dr. Hawkins is director of the
Seattle-based Marriage Recovery
Center and a leader in the field of
treatment for narcissism and
emotional abuse within relationships.
“I see many couples in chronically
troubled marriages staying together
because they’ve got kids, because
they believe in marriage, for many
different good and valid reasons,” he
explains. “But when a woman feels
unsafe because she’s criticized or
belittled—and she can’t bring issues
to her husband because he blames,
shames, provokes or gaslights—
the goodness of the relationship
begins to evaporate. Women end up
retreating from emotional or physical
intimacy. They shrink. They
12
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / May 2020

MARRIAGE HOPE / COuPLES
lose their identity. They lose their
self-concept and self-esteem. And
they feel like there’s no relief in sight.”
Furthermore, women or men who
feel oppressed over time can become
reactively abusive themselves. Clients
will often confess, “I’ve become
like him. I’m angry. I’m irritable. I
throw things now. I’m cussing. I’m
becoming somebody I didn’t want to
become. Please help me!”
Charlene Benson can testify to
that kind of tranformation. The
daughter of a controlling father
and passive mother, she married at
21 and found herself living out the
same dysfunctional pattern as her
unhappy parents.
About 10 years into her marriage,
however, Benson realized that sometimes
she “switched places” with her
husband and became as controlling
and manipulative as she perceived
him to be.
Today she counsels couples who
feel stuck in difficult marriages and
says “switching places” is something
many of her clients have experienced.
If you’re in a chronically unhappy
marriage, you may retreat and
shrink away from your spouse or you
may become reactively abusive or
even unfaithful. Those reponses lead
to intense emotional and often physical
pain. You may think you have
only two choices: remain miserable
forever or get a divorce. But the surprising
truth is that transformational
options exist for those in a stressful
marriage, if they’re willing to initiate
change.
A stressful marriage can
lead to physical stress
One day Dr. David Hawkins made a
April / May 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 13

COuPLES / MARRIAGE HOPE
NEED HELP?
Call our team of registered counselors Monday to
Friday from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. Pacific time at 1-800-661-
9800 for a free one-time phone consultation, or visit
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Counseling to learn more.
stunning observation: He realized
that many of his clients had similar
complaints about fatigue, physical
pain and health issues.
Could their marriages be making
them sick?
He broached the subject with his
two sons—Tyson, an internist,
and Joshua, a surgeon. He told
them he’d noticed that many people
in severely difficult marriages
suffer from auto-immune disorders,
headaches, sleep problems, chronic
fatigue, Hashimoto’s disease, fibromyalgia
and more. Then he asked
his sons, “What do you think about
that?”
“I see it all the time,” Dr. Tyson
Hawkins told his father. “There is
absolutely a connection between
physical well-being or sickness and
emotional functioning.”
For example, Charles, a patient
of Dr. David Hawkins, chooses
to bury his marital relationship
pain by overeating and watching
mindless television. The results
are extreme weight gain and high
blood pressure. The relationship
stress is killing him, but he won’t
admit to the connection.
And until recently, practitioners
wouldn’t, either. It’s long been known
that stress impacts our bodies.
Understanding the extent that
marriage stress in particular wreaks
havoc on our health, however,
is a new development. Dr. David
Hawkins and his two sons wrote a
book—In Sickness and in Health—
chronicling their personal findings
as well as detailing current
research on the subject, offering
hope to husbands and wives in
toxic marriages.
14
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / May 2020

Can this marriage
be saved?
When a person finds him- or herself
in these kinds of dire circumstances,
is there hope? What if a spouse won’t
admit there’s a problem, doesn’t want
to change or refuses counseling?
In their work in clinical settings
and retreats, Dr. David Hawkins and
Charlene Benson regularly see
marriages transformed. Although it
takes two people to build a happy
marriage, these experts say it takes
just one person to radically change
an unhealthy relationship dynamic.
Here’s how to get started:
Take an honest look at your circumstances
and your heart. The
first step is to stop living in denial.
Telling yourself you just need to try
harder or that it’s all in your head
won’t get you into a better place.
Dr. Tyson Hawkins believes that
making the connection between a
stressful marriage and health problems
you may be experiencing can
be a huge denial buster.
Facing your fears can also help.
According to Tim Sanford, clinical
director of Counseling Services at
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family, the following
fears keep many embattled spouses
from moving toward personal or
marital health and healing:
• “I’m afraid that if I’m honest, I may
have to admit to myself ways that
I’m contributing to the problem.”
• “I’m afraid that if I set boundaries,
he may leave me and then I’ll be
alone.”
• “I’m afraid that if he improves, I
won’t have anyone to fix.”
Admitting your fears to yourself—
and then to someone you trust—can
help you move forward.
Surround yourself with good support.
Identify counselors and friends
who are equipped to help you. Avoid
friends who think you’re overreacting,
and retreat from friends who
paint an enticing picture of divorce.
In addition, look for spiritual support
in a church setting such as a Bible
study or prayer group, possibly one
not connected to your home church.
Above all, rely on God. He’s with
you on this journey.
Commit to self-care. You may
need to be kinder to yourself so that
you can become healthy enough to
make changes.
That means finding ways to exercise,
eat right, reduce stress and get
enough sleep. It means taking time
to nurture your soul by spending
time with God in prayer and reading
Scripture and faith-building
devotionals.
Robert Paul, vice president of
<strong>Focus</strong> Marriage Institute—which
provides an intensive counseling
program for couples in crisis called
Hope Restored—often asks women,
“If you were to care for your children
like you care for yourself physically,
emotionally, mentally and spiritually
. . . what would that look like?”
Almost all the women respond
with a horrified look on their face and
say, “That would be terrible!”
Paul nods and says, “Right. So what
you’re doing is contrary to what God
is calling you to do, because He said
to care for others in the same way
you care for yourself ”(Luke 10:27).
Set better boundaries. People
mistakenly think that setting a
boundary means getting someone
to stop doing something you don’t
want him or her to do. >>>
YOUR MARRIAGE CAN BE SAVED.
YOUR FAMILY CAN STAY WHOLE.
Right now, you may feel too
far apart from your spouse,
Day-to-day with too much life damage pulls us
in done so to many save your directions, marriage.
even But there’s deeply hope! committed
couples can start to feel like
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family’s Hope
they’re drifting apart.
Restored ® marriage intensive
program in Missouri,
Discover some simple and
Michigan, and Georgia has
practical strategies that
restored marriages in crisis
help you and your spouse
since 2003.
keep reconnecting and
rekindling an intimate,
passionate love.
Call 1.866.875.2915 or
visit Order HopeRestored.com.
online at
Shop.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca
or call 1.800.661.9800
®

couples / MARRIAGE HOPE
LISTEN NOW!
How can you find hope for your
desperate marriage? Best selling
author Dr. Gary Chapman explains.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Radio
But as Paul points out, we don’t
have that kind of power over others
unless we resort to control and
manipulation. “And trying to manipulate
and control someone else—even
as a means of coping—is a lose-lose
proposition. That’s not where God’s
calling you.” Paul suggests instead that
spouses may first attempt to request
that something stop, but if that doesn’t
work, they should retreat to a safe
place rather than wait for their hostile
partner to change.
Ask your spouse to make a
choice—and back up your request
with action. While we can’t control
the behavior of others, what we can
control is the gift of our personhood,
choosing not to fellowship with
someone who treats us badly until
that person agrees to seek help.
And one way to do that is to
pull away from the relationship
for a short time with the goal of
reconciliation.
Dr. David Hawkins strongly urges
a zero-tolerance policy for physical
abuse, so if that is occurring in your
marriage, get yourself (and any children)
to safety immediately and seek
professional help.
But if physical abuse is not present,
you may have more options
than you think. Hawkins explains,
“If staying put and coping with toxic
behavior is a one and divorce is a 10,
there are lots of steps in between.”
He coaches clients on how to
stage a strategic intervention, like
this conversation one of his clients
had with her husband: “I love you,
but I’m done. I’m done begging you
to go to counseling or read marriage
books. You can call [a local counseling
center] and participate in a group
for emotionally abusive men, or I’m
going to temporarily separate from
you. I love you. I want this marriage.
But I will not live like this anymore.
If you decide not to do this, that’s
your choice, but I’m going to leave
for three days to let you think it over.”
According to Hawkins, plenty
of people will tell you that emotionally
abusive men can’t change.
Don’t believe it, he says. “Men won’t
change until they must. But when
they must, they will change.”
Reclaim power by taking responsibility.
Convinced that her husband
was the sole problem—and the sole
person who had to fix their marriage—Benson
asked him to go
to counseling with her. When he
refused, she started going by herself.
Unexpectedly, the counselor
homed in on several significant
losses during Benson’s childhood
that were influencing how she
responded to her husband.
It was the first domino to fall in
a cascade of events, insights and
milestones. Today, Benson and her
husband have learned new ways of
interacting with each other and are
enjoying a relationship that has been
transformed in many ways.
Benson assures husbands and
wives who feel trapped that it really
is possible to end up in a healthy
relationship.
“The changes in my marriage began
with me getting help for me,” she
says. “And once I changed, he had
to change, as well, because I was no
longer responding or acting the same
way. You don’t have to wait on your
spouse. If he won’t go to counseling,
go yourself and start making better
and healthier choices on your own.”
If you’re convinced that your
spouse is both the problem and
solution to your marriage struggles,
you’ve given him or her all the power.
Changing toxic patterns in a
chronically troubled marriage isn’t
easy, and it takes time. It may eventually
require changes on the part of
both spouses, but that’s not the place
where healing usually begins.
It begins with one. •
Karen Scalf Bouchard is an award-winning
freelance writer and editor who lives in
Colorado Springs, Colorado.
*Some names have been changed to protect privacy.
16
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / May 2020

FOR HIM / COuPLES
majoring in the
MINORS
Showing my wife i’m tuned in to the little things
makes a big difference in our marriage
BY JARED HOTTENSTEIN
FOTF / BRIAN MELLEMA
I RECENTLY HAD A BUSY
WEEK at work and had to spend a
lot of evenings away from the house.
I knew my wife was just as exhausted
as I was, having wrangled the kids all
week. When Friday finally arrived, I
could have taken her out to a fancy
dinner, but we both might have
fallen asleep. Instead, I came home
and tackled the bedtime routine
with the kids. It gave her time to
have a cup of coffee and relax.
My wife could see my exhaustion.
Giving her a few minutes of peace
while I got the kids into bed allowed
me to demonstrate selfless love to my
wife. Making these small sacrifices
communicates a big message to my
wife: I’m putting her before myself.
Filling my wife’s gas tank, making
her a cup of coffee, mobilizing the
kids to load the dishwasher, giving
the kids baths, folding laundry—
these tasks often communicate love
more effectively than a hug or a kiss
or a box of chocolates. And that message
of love is so much more clear if
I help her without being asked.
You, too, can make your wife feel
loved by doing simple, little tasks.
Start by making a list of all the little
things your wife does that you take
for granted, such as scrubbing the
kitchen sink, packing school lunches
and picking up wet towels in the
bathroom. These things usually take
less than a few minutes of work, so
taking responsibility for them is
practical and sustainable.
We don’t need to announce our
good deeds. My wife had asked me
20 times to fix a squeaky door on our
pantry. It took 10 seconds to zap the
hinge with WD-40. She didn’t notice I
had fixed it for more than a week, but
when she did notice, you would have
thought I had built an addition to the
house.
Yes, we need to remember the
major things like birthdays, anniversaries
and Mother’s Day, but if you
want to communicate love in your
marriage, learn to focus on the little
things. Your wife isn’t looking for
Prince Charming to ride in on a
white horse and sweep her off her
feet. Sometimes all she needs is
someone to unclog the toilet. •
Jared Hottenstein is a freelance writer and has
been a fifth-grade teacher for 18 years.
April / May 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 17

COuPLES / DREAMING TOGETHER
the
MARRIAGE
OF YOuR
dreams
STOCKSY.COM / ACALU STUDIO ; STOCKSY.COM / BONNINSTUDIO ; ISTOCK.COM / TABITAZN
18
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / May 2020

DREAMING TOGETHER / COuPLES
NEW
A shared vision for the
future will strengthen
your relationship
BY ERIN SMALLEY
FROM FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
RECONNECTED
rekindle Rekindle the passionate, intimate,
heart-to-heart spark of connection
between you and your spouse
with this engaging and practical
book by Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/Reconnect
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Store
I WAS AT A WOMEN’S
BIBLE STUDY GROUP
when the leader asked a fascinating
question: “What were your dreams as
a young girl?”
Over the next hour, I learned more
about the women in the group than
I knew about some of my closest
friends. The women talked about
their dreams of marrying a farmer,
of becoming a seamstress, a teacher,
a nurse or an astronaut.
As the women disclosed their
unique journeys, some recalled the
circumstances that had caused them
to walk away from those early aspirations.
My heart broke when I heard
the regrets, frustrations and disappointments
of unrealized dreams.
But I found it uplifting to hear about
God’s faithfulness and how He had
brought different opportunities,
opened new doors and delivered
unexpected blessings to each woman.
When you met your spouse, a new
set of aspirations entered the picture.
Your individual desires mingled, and
you began to dream together.
Dreaming has a powerful effect
on a marriage. It brings a unique
depth of closeness and connection.
Dreaming together . . .
• Strengthens your commitment.
Dreaming implies that you anticipate
a hopeful future together.
• Nurtures your partnership and
helps strengthen your unity and
teamwork.
• Creates intimacy by allowing you
a glimpse of your spouse’s innermost
thoughts and feelings.
• Helps you live intentionally by
clarifying what is really important
to you as a couple.
• Inspires romance. Find a couple
who dream about their future
together and you’ll find two people
madly in love.
• Reawakens passion. Thinking
about what can be accomplished
together is exciting and energizing.
The most powerful benefit of
sharing a vision for your future is
the synergy it creates. What you can
do together is far greater than what
you can do alone. Your combined
abilities, experience, talents and
passions create an incredible Godblessed
synergy—the two become
one. This oneness is a superpower.
God wants you to use your oneness
to bless others.
Most young couples dream wildly
with no limits on what they can
accomplish together. But then something
happens. For many couples,
dreaming ends as the rapid pace of life
takes over. And sadly, most couples
aren’t even aware that they have
stopped dreaming together. But
they notice the distance between
them and start feeling like married
roommates.
It doesn’t have to be that way. You
can dream together again, and in
the process, you can serve God and
build a stronger marriage.
The journey of
dreaming together
I was adopted as a baby into a
wonderful family. As a little girl, I
dreamed of the day I could adopt
a daughter. I wanted to “pay it forward”—to
do for another girl what
had been done for me.
Before we were married, I asked
Greg, “Would you be willing to adopt
someday?” And without hesitation,
he enthusiastically agreed. “Someday”
was a long time coming, but I never
lost the passion to adopt. The desire
that had formed in my 8-year-old
April / May 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 19

couples / DREAMING TOGETHER
heart had become a shared dream
with my husband, and it finally
came to fruition 34 years later when
we adopted our daughter Annie.
While our desire was to add to
our family through adoption, your
dream is likely something entirely
different. Over the years, Greg and
I have asked couples about their
shared dreams, and we’ve heard
varying responses. The possibilities
are endless. However, the result is
that you’re united in vision and
pursuing a course of action that
will bless others. Every couple has a
great calling on their marriage—not
just individual callings. Take some
time to discuss these questions with
your spouse:
• What might God be calling us
to do together to serve Him and
bless others?
LISTEN NOW!
Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley reveal
how couples can create spiritual
and relational intimacy.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Radio
• What are some goals we can
pursue together?
• What do we want our life together
to be like five years from now?
Ten years? Twenty years?
• At the end of our life together,
what accomplishments do we
want to be able to look back on
and celebrate?
• What qualities do we want people
to remember about us?
• What kind of legacy do we want
to leave?
Pray about whatever the Lord
begins revealing to you and your
spouse. You may wait years before
you see God fulfill a dream He’s
given you . . . or He may act much
faster than you expect. Trust in His
timing. He knows what is best for
your marriage.
Some of you might be thinking:
Easy for you to say. It all worked out
for you. The truth is that we had
no idea how my adoption dream
would play out. However, we were
always confident in the Lord’s faithfulness.
Let Him lead; He knows the
outcome.
Dreaming is less about the final
outcome and much more about the
journey you’re on with your spouse
and the Lord.
The next steps in the
journey
Don’t ever stop dreaming together.
When one dream comes to fruition
or unexpectedly ends, start asking
the Lord what He has next for you
as a couple. Once Annie was home
and settled in, we began praying and
asking God, “What’s next, Lord?” We
believed that the Lord was calling us
to marriage ministry.
And within the next few months,
we accepted jobs at <strong>Focus</strong> on the
Family and made the move to
Colorado Springs, Colorado. Now
when we’re working with couples,
we experience a type of intimacy
and connection that is difficult to
explain.
We truly believe that God blesses
marriage relationships in amazing
ways when couples live out their
shared dreams. There’s something
beautiful about two souls imagining
a future together and then working
every day to accomplish that shared
vision. •
Erin Smalley serves as the strategic
spokesperson for <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family’s
marriage ministry. This article is adapted from
the new book Reconnected: Moving from
roommates to soulmates in marriage, which
she co-wrote with her husband, Dr. Greg
Smalley.
STOCKSY.COM / GARAGE ISLAND CREW ; ISTOCK.COM / TOLGART ; ISTOCK.COM / TABITAZN
20
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / May 2020

Faith & Inspiration
THE
REST
OF THE
STORY
The grand narrative of
the Gospel helps us
better understand the
importance of Easter
BY MICHAEL RIDGEWAY
FOTF / BRIAN MELLEMA
IN SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASSES
EVERY EASTER, the details of Jesus’
resurrection take center stage. The empty
tomb. The massive stone mysteriously
rolled away. The angels announcing the
risen Christ. His miraculous appearance
to hundreds of followers. It’s a dramatic
story, the stuff of movies.
But what often gets lost in drama is an
understanding of why the Resurrection
matters to us today. Easter is more than
an exciting story; it is the one story that
fundamentally transforms our lives. And
that story must be seen in its complete
context: the grand narrative of the Gospel
that runs through every book of the Bible.
As we celebrate Easter with our families
this year, let’s help our kids take a
closer look at the Gospel story to discover
how it changes everything about our lives.
creation
The story opens “in the beginning,” in the very first verse of the
Bible, with the creation of all things. God spoke, and the universe
leapt into existence. He created billions of galaxies, filled with trillions
of stars. Around one star He placed a planet populated with a
staggering array of life.
And in the midst of all this immensity
and beauty, God created a man and
a woman. He placed them in a garden,
where they lived, unashamed, in His holy
presence, enjoying a perfect relationship
with their Creator. >>>
In Perfect
Relationship
Genesis 1:1-2:25
Psalm 19: 1-6
Ecclesiastes 3:11
John 1:1-3
April / May MAy 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 21

FAITH & INSPIRATION / EASTER
the fall
But something changed. The goodness and perfection
of His creation did not last. A Deceiver
entered the garden, and disguising his treacherous
words as wisdom, he planted doubt in the minds
of the man and the woman, stirring within them a
nagging question: Why has God forbidden us to eat
from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil?
“For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes
will be opened” the
Deceiver whispered,
“and you will be like
God, knowing good and
evil” (Genesis 3:5).
Why would God withhold
such a desirable
thing?
In their weakness,
Going our
own way
Genesis 3:1-24
Romans 1:18-32
Romans 3:9-18
Romans 5:12-14
the man and woman ate from that tree, thinking
it would satisfy their desire to be like God. And in
doing so, they lost the one thing that truly could
satisfy them—God’s presence.
Sin marred God’s creation, and suffering
entered the world. Generations of men and
women continued to doubt God and to trust
their own hearts, trapping the world in sin and
brokenness.
redemption
But the tragedy of sin could not thwart God’s plan for His creation.
He promised to one day defeat sin and bring His people
back into His presence. Across the ages, His plan of redemption
was revealed through the prophets: He would send a Messiah,
who would restore God’s kingdom and remove the gulf between
God and man.
But not even the prophets anticipated just how astonishing
this Messiah would be. God himself became human, entering
our broken world so He could take our sins upon himself and
die the death we deserved. Jesus, the Son of God, transcended
everything the Jewish people thought they knew about the
Messiah. He was God incarnate, God made flesh. He lived a perfect,
sinless life and yet suffered the
full weight of the brokenness and
death that were brought by sin.
As He hung on the Cross, He cried
out, “My God, why have you forsaken
me?” (Matthew 27:46). The Son felt
the crushing darkness of the Father’s
absence. The only human who never
turned away from God now felt God
The curse
is undone
Matthew 27:32-56
Romans 8:1-4
2 Corinthians 5:17-19
Ephesians 2:1-9
turn away from Him. Jesus suffered the spiritual death that
plagued all humanity, and it was almost too much for Him to
bear. And in that terrible and beautiful moment of His death, the
curse of sin was undone. God had redeemed His beloved people
and removed the barrier that separated them from His presence.

estoration
Jesus was placed in a tomb, and the tomb was sealed with a large stone. But
on the morning of the third day, the grave could not contain Him. Others
had been raised from the dead before (Jesus’ friend Lazarus and the widow’s
son in the book of 1 Kings), but their victory over death was only temporary.
Jesus was the first ever to be resurrected—to rise from the grave with
Restored
and renewed
Luke 23:50-24:53
Romans 8:18-39
1 Corinthians 15:1-56
Philippians 1:3-6
a glorified body, never to taste death again. He
conquered death once and for all, and His resurrection
signaled the beginning of the restoration
of all things. God promised that all who trust in
Him will one day be resurrected, too, and we will
know the incomparable joy of God’s presence for
eternity. As we wait for this, we are already experiencing
glimpses of His presence in our daily lives. God is restoring us right
now—healing our wounds, freeing us from the power of sin, gently teaching
us to trust Him. >>>
Teach your kids
to revere God
Need help conveying the
awesomeness of God to your
kids? Make a great start with
the Bible stories and activities
in our Kids of Integrity lesson
on Reverence.
This brand new lesson is packed
with fun ideas to help kids
• begin to understand God’s
power and sovereignty
LISTEN NOW!
Pastor Andy Stanley encourages
Christians to base their faith on the
historically proven life and death
of Jesus Christ.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Radio
• begin to understand
God’s holiness
• develop a respectful awe
of God.
Download the Reverence
lesson for FREE at
KidsOfIntegrity.com

why the Gospel matters
In ancient Greek, the word gospel
means “good news.” And why is the
story of Creation, the Fall, redemption
and restoration such good news?
There are at least three reasons.
Through the Gospel, we see that:
We don’t need to earn God’s
approval. The Cross showed us the
depth of the darkness within us, as
well as the immensity of God’s love
for us. In His effort to destroy the
sin that was destroying us, God held
nothing back, not even His only
Son. It was the greatest act of sacrificial
love the world has ever known.
And because He loved us in this way
while our hearts were still rebelling
against Him, we know His love
is unconditional. We can do nothing
to make Him love us any less or any
more than He already does.
This truth brings amazing freedom.
It means that we can stop
trying to earn His approval. In fact,
any attempt to earn it—whether by
church attendance, service to the
poor or flawless moral behavior—
amounts to self-righteousness. It is
an attempt to save ourselves, rather
than relying on the work that Jesus
has already accomplished for us. But
when we look at the Cross, we stop
trying to manage our sin and let
God’s love transform our hearts.
We don’t need to prove ourselves.
In all of us there is a desperate need
to know that we are OK, that we are
valuable and worthy. And each one
of us attempts to satisfy this need
in different ways. Through personal
achievement. Wealth. Beauty. Family.
Popularity. Moral virtue. This drive to
prove our value is exhausting. If we
manage to achieve some standard
that gives us a sense of worth, the
feeling is only temporary, and before
long we are right back at it, striving
to prove ourselves once again.
The Gospel, however, tells us that
we already have inestimable worth.
The Creator of the universe found us
so valuable that He gave up His own
life in order to save us. We are OK
because His death on the Cross has
made us OK—made us worthy
of a relationship with Him. And as
we stop struggling to accomplish
what God has already attained for us,
life becomes much richer and more
joyful. We stop using work, school,
sports, family and friendships as
a means to prove ourselves, and
instead simply enjoy these things for
their own sake.
We don’t need to worry about
our future. The Gospel assures us
that God is good and that He is allpowerful.
He created the universe
and everything in it, and despite
the curse of sin that we brought
upon this world, God has always
been in control of the march of
history. When we see that God is
sovereign and His plans for us are
good, then we realize that we have
no reason to worry—even when
our circumstances are difficult and
the future is uncertain. He is in the
process of restoring our lives and
healing our brokenness. As this truth
becomes real to us, our trust in Him
deepens and our anxious hearts are
calmed with an unshakable peace.
The Resurrection is the most
important event in human history.
It changed the course of humanity—and
it continually transforms
our lives today. As we celebrate
Easter, let’s help our kids see how the
full Gospel story really does change
everything. •
Michael ridgeway is the editorial director of
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family magazine.
24
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / MAy 2020

IMPACT STORY / FAITH & INSPIRATION
Cori Salchert with Samuel
on his adoption day
in loving arms
A former hospice nurse
found her calling in caring
for “the least of these”
BY MATT KAUFMAN
PHOTOGRAPHY BY STACY HERR
CORI SALCHERT FELT LOST.
Chronic health issues—most of them related to autoimmune
diseases—had sapped her strength and ended
her career. She’d been a hospice nurse and, most
recently, a bereavement counselor. Now she was neither.
“I felt as if my identity had been lost as well as my
job,” she says.
That’s when Cori found a new purpose—in the tiny
form of a 2-week-old little girl. >>>
April / MAy 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 25

FAITH & INSPIRATION / IMPACT STORY
Born with only a brain stem, Baby
Emmalynn didn’t have long to live.
Her birth parents couldn’t care for her.
But she didn’t need to be in a NICU
unit; she needed a home and a family.
Cori gave her that. With her
husband, Mark, and their eight biological
children—ages 10 to 23, five
of them still living at home at the
time—she took Emmalynn into
their Sheboygan, Wisconsin, residence.
Cori couldn’t save her, but
she could hold her, touch her, care
for her, love her.
Emmalynn lived 50 days, most
of which were spent in the Salchert
home. Then she moved on to her
heavenly home.
Cori had found her calling—one
that made use of her professional
experience, and one she could pursue
at home despite her physical
limitations.
The Salcherts are licensed foster
parents with a specialty: They take
in children with a terminal or life-
limiting prognosis. Children whose
lives, more often than not, will be
measured in weeks, months or a
few years at best.
For Cori, this work is all about
Jesus’ reminder that if we do anything
to help “the least of these,”
we’ve done it for Him.
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family hosts Canada
nationwide helps foster Wait and adoptive No More families events
to through help and our encourage Waiting to prospective
Belong
program. foster and Learn adoptive more families. by visiting Learn
more WaitingToBelong.ca.
at WaitNoMore.org.
“As I see these kids lying in bed, I
think, This is my chance to touch the
face of God,” she says. “Right here,
right now.”
The Salcherts have opened their
hearts and home to nine foster children
over the years. That includes
Charlie, whom they later adopted.
Once projected to not live past age 3,
Charlie’s now almost 6 and may well
live into his early teens.
So many of the children came to
the Salcherts as infants that Cori
began to think of herself as “the baby
whisperer.”
That all changed in March
2015. That’s when Cori and some
churchmates drove to Brookfield,
Wisconsin, for a Wait No More
event—<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family’s initiative
to promote foster care and
adoption. As she listened to the
speakers and watched the videos,
she found her mindset shifting.
“I got the spark to consider a teenager,
to be open should an older
child come along who needed our
particular skill set,” she says. “As a
result of the Wait No More event, I
was moved to ask our social worker
to keep her eyes open for a teen
who’s medically fragile—who might
not be small and cuddly, but nevertheless
needed my nursing skills and
hospice background.”
The boy was born with leukodystrophy,
a degenerative, terminal brain
disease. For his first 13 years, Cori
says, “he was a wild child who didn’t
sit.” But then the terrible seizures hit.
In a matter of days, he was completely
bedridden and nonverbal.
The Salcherts would later name
him Samuel, meaning “God heard”
my prayers. But when they brought
him home in March 2017, Cori had
some trepidation.
“It wasn’t love at first sight—or
second or third,” she says. “Because
of his size, there wasn’t that ‘cuddle
factor.’ But I chose to act in a loving
way, fully expecting that God would
bring those feelings along.”
And He did. Soon she was calling
the teen her teddy bear, a nickname
that morphed into T Bear at Mark’s
urging. (“He’s 13. He needs a guy
name.”) Aided by generous donors,
the family refitted the house with a
wheelchair ramp and a wheelchair-
accessible shower for both Samuel
and the growing Charlie.
Samuel’s responsiveness was limited—an
occasional smile, a catlike
purr when stroked. But he survived
several serious health episodes, surprising
doctors. He made it to age 15,
and the Salcherts moved to adopt him.
In September 2017, however, it
was clear that Samuel’s body was
failing. He might not live to his adoption
date, let alone be fit to make the
hour-plus drive to the courthouse.
So Milwaukee-based Judge
Christopher Foley pitched something
extraordinary: He’d not
only move up the date, but he’d
also move the proceedings to the
Salchert home. Suffice it to say that
a lot of court officials had to scramble
to make it happen.
On Sept. 28, the Salchert house
hosted a dual event. The first was
Samuel’s adoption. The second was
a ceremony naming him an honorary
firefighter—a gift from members
of the Sheboygan Fire Department,
who’d gotten to know the Salcherts
while responding to medical emergencies
at their home.
Samuel responded to the event in a
way no one expected.
“He was as alert and engaged as
we’d ever seen him that day,” Cori
says. “And when everyone was clapping,
he lit up with this huge smile,
and everyone was saying, ‘Did you
see that? Did you see that?’ ”
26
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / May 2020

IMPACT STORY / FAITH & INSPIRATION
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family depends on the
donations of our supporters to help
foster families like the Salcherts. Help
us continue this ministry by visiting
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/donation.
Samuel's parents and members of
the Sheboygan Fire Department
surround Samuel as he is named
an honorary firefighter.
Captain Tim Kohlbeck of the
fire department remembers the
moment well.
“To me, it was a miracle,” he says.
“In that broken body was a spirit
created by God, and that smile was
a validation. It was a gift from God.”
It made an impact on Judge
Foley, too.
“This was one of the most remarkable
experiences of my life,” he says.
“If I ever write a book, I’ll do a chapter
on Samuel and the Salcherts.”
Less than three weeks later—Oct.
16, at 4 p.m.—Samuel passed away.
But his impact lives on.
In lieu of flowers, the Salcherts
asked that memorials be given in
the form of teddy bears, which
emergency personnel use to calm
small children in traumatic situations.
Hundreds of bears poured in.
“The legacy of T Bear will keep paying
it forward,” Kohlbeck says. “The
kids won’t know, but we do. Every
time I hand out a teddy bear, I think
of him.”
Beyond the big events of the day,
Foley remembers the little things
as well. “It’s not just Cori’s medical
background that makes her good at
this,” he says. “It’s how she relates to
those children. You watch her hold
their hands and sing to them and
whisper in their ears—that’s what
strikes me most.”
And Cori? She’s just thankful.
“The spark created by the Wait No
More event was fanned into flame in
God’s timing,” she says. “It’s a beautiful
thing to love deeply. We were
privileged to invest for 22 months
and hold Samuel’s hand as he
slipped away from us and flew away
to heaven.”
The Salcherts intend to keep doing
what they do—and to encourage others
to do the same.
“Sometimes I tell people, ‘I may be
crying, but I’m not in despair—far
from it,’ ” Cori says. “This isn’t fun,
but it’s deeply satisfying. I’m given the
privilege of carrying these children
until they go home to Jesus. And I’m
being carried by Him while I do.” •
Matt Kaufman is a freelance writer based
in illinois.
April / MAy 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 27

FAITH & INSPIRATION / PROFILE
TYLER’S
RIuMPH
When others said
no, God said yes
BY JOE MAXWELL
Drs. Tyler and laura Sexton with their daughter, Harper Grace
FIVE-YEAR-OLD TANNER
has neatly combed brown hair and
a yellow shirt that reads, “Hear me
roar!” He has cerebral palsy (CP),
requiring him to wear leg braces.
Today he’s at the hospital seeking
treatment for an infection. Tanner’s
Aunt Marci and his mother, Amy,
drove miles to bring the boy there.
Shuffling his feet, Tanner thrusts
his hands upward, crying loudly for
help.
“You can hear him for sure now!”
Marci jokes.
But Tanner’s discomfort is no joke.
The tan, muscular arms of Dr. Tyler
Sexton sweep down and lift the
pleading youth in an embrace.
A palpable peace fills the room.
Amy voices her appreciation for
Dr. Sexton, saying, “He knows what
we go through.” That’s because Tyler
also has CP. He understands Tanner’s
crippling condition and what it takes
to overcome setbacks.
Tyler’s “no such thing as can’t”
mindset has been formed through
adversity and his unwavering belief
that God loves him and “doesn’t
make junk.” He passes on this
courage and faith not only to his
patients but also to the community
he lives in.
Courage and faith
Tyler’s extraordinary courage began
when he entered preschool with
braces on his legs and pushing a
walker, proving to everyone (especially
to his mom, Lisa) he could
adapt and fit in with the more
mobile kids. Through elementary
school, he did whatever the teachers
asked the class to do, defying anyone
who tried to limit his progress.
JENNIE TEWELL
28
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / MAy 2020

PROFILE / FAITH & INSPIRATION
In fourth grade, Tyler participated in
the President’s (Fitness) Challenge to
prove any doubters wrong. Finishing a
mile run was a physical and spiritual
accomplishment. Tyler recalls that
God answered his prayers, giving him
the tenacity and strength to do the
“impossible,” circling the school track
four times.
That same year, the towheaded,
handsome youth was assigned to
give a speech. Tyler titled it “Why
Me?” He spoke about having CP.
“I wanted my listeners to learn to
accept people who were different
from them,” Tyler remembers. He
spoke in his classroom and at
church. His classmates voted his
speech best in the class, and the
church congregation gave him a
standing ovation.
Tyler learned his faith at home from
his mom, Lisa, who taught him to
face challenges head on. From grade
school clear into medical school, he
was bullied. “Brutally,” he recalls.
He endured 16 surgeries in as many
years. Defying odds, he earned his
driver’s license. Told he couldn’t
scuba dive, he became a dive master.
Gaining an M.D.
and a family
Life after college also had challenges.
Upon graduating from the University
of South Florida with a stellar GPA,
he was told by a medical school
dean, “On paper you look amazing,
but I don’t think you’ll fit here.” The
other U.S. medical schools he’d
applied to also denied him admission.
At one point the rejections
seemed overwhelming; he grabbed
hold of his assistance dog, Danny,
and wept for half an hour. Yet his
faith in God remained. “My belief
in [Jesus] and faith in His Word has
blessed me all of my life,” he says.
Soon, he received a pamphlet
about the University of St. Eustatius
School of Medicine in the Caribbean.
He applied, was accepted and six
years later in June of 2011 received
his medical degree, specializing in
pediatrics. Tyler cleared yet another
barrier, completing his residency
at Mobile’s University of South
Alabama. “I learned that when people
say no, God says yes,” Tyler quips.
He met his wife, Laura, in medical
school, and Tyler helped lead her
to Christ. She now is a pediatric
ICU physician at Mississippi’s only
children’s hospital. They have a
5-year-old daughter, Harper Grace.
The couple live modestly, logging
hours outside their medical practices
as they fund and operate several local
ministries. Laura runs a nonprofit
dog rescue and has five dogs at home,
including a blind, stark-white Great
Pyrenees and a majestic Great Dane. >>>
Tyler in his office
Tyler operating a hyperbaric chamber
PHOTOS COURTESY OF SEXTON FAMILY
Tyler scuba driving

NEW
FROM FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
NO SUCH THING AS CAN’T
Not many doctors have cerebral palsy.
Yet this disability was part of the Great
Physician’s plan for Dr. Tyler Sexton.
Be inspired by Tyler’s remarkable
story of overcoming adversity.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Store
Tyler is involved with building
affordable housing and operating
the community swimming pool he
bought out of foreclosure. “It’s all
about Jesus,” Tyler says. “Every day
we live, we have a chance to impact
somebody’s life for Christ.”
A true superhero
Chief medical officer Dr. Randy
Roth, medical director of inpatient
physician services at Singing River
Hospital in Pascagoula, Mississippi,
recalls the process of hiring Tyler.
“I’m waiting there [at a restaurant],
thinking, Where’s Dr. Sexton? Then in
came Tyler and his dog. Afterward, I
got into my car, thinking, That’s the
most impressive interview I’ve ever
had. We need to hire him.” Since
then, Roth, a committed believer,
has seen his young chief of pediatrics
applying his faith to his practice.
“I try to emulate the Great
Physician, Jesus, as best I can every
time I report to work as I attempt to
care for people’s spirits and minds as
well as their bodies,” Tyler explains.
“For me, being a servant of the Great
Physician means that when I see
patients hurting, I hurt deep down
with them. Sometimes I pray with
them when they ask me to.”
Tyler’s office resembles an untidy
museum, packed with superhero
figurines, posters and trinkets. Kids
love the superhero memorabilia
and the superhero T-shirts he wears
every day. With his service dog, Tyler
walks hospital hallways, listening to
patients’ concerns. He shares laughs
with his nurse interns.
Even after a long day at work,
Tyler doesn’t stop encouraging and
helping others. On this particular
evening, he dons a sports coat over
his gray Batman T-shirt, readying to
speak at a church. Before that, however,
he’ll make a house call. (Yes, a
house call.) A few miles away, inside
a nondescript, one-story brick house,
lies a teenage boy on a hospital bed
surrounded by monitors, tubes and
an array of medical supplies. His
eyes gaze blankly, his head wobbling
side to side.
Mom and Dad are thrilled to see
Tyler. As if talking to best friends,
their doctor asks and answers questions.
His tone indicates, You’re
important. I’ve got time for you.
The father and Tyler banter over
fantasy football lineups. Time slips
by. Tyler’s speaking engagement
awaits.
“Thanks so much for coming,” the
parents say, waving from the front
door.
Shortly after 7 p.m., Tyler arrives
at Lighthouse Baptist Church’s
women’s group. More than 50 pack
a multipurpose room. His hostess
tells everyone, “It’s just incredible
that Dr. Sexton’s in our area.”
For the next 40 minutes, the
tireless doctor, once mocked mercilessly
and then blocked from
medical schools, now rocks a
church gathering with his story of
faith. “I stand in front of you,” he says,
“as a man with cerebral palsy, not in
shame, [but] because God took tragedy
and turned it into triumph.” •
Joe Maxwell is a former editor for Christianity
Today and World magazines. The author of
numerous biographies, Joe owns and operates
LifeStory Publishing in Jackson, Mississippi.
JENNIE TEWELL
30
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / May 2020

LET'S TALK ABOUT
Life
FOTF / BRIAN MELLEMA
FOTF / BRIAN MELLEMA
yes, you can speak
confidently about
the sanctity of life
with your proabortion
friends
BY BRITTANY RAYMER
IMAGINE THAT YOU’RE
OUT TO LUNCH with friends,
or eating dinner with some relatives,
and the subject of abortion
comes up. One of your dining
companions passionately asserts
that no one should limit a woman’s
access to abortion. Would you
know how to respond?
It can be a scary moment. You
want to share your pro-life perspective,
but abortion remains one
of the most politically divisive topics
in the country. You know this
type of conversation could lead to a
heated argument possibly damaging
an otherwise strong relationship.
Our nation’s political climate can
make it intimidating or downright
terrifying to engage in a meaningful,
respectful and fact-based
conversation with a friend or relative
who is pro-abortion. But with
the right tools, sharing the truth
about preborn life is definitely
possible. Here are some helpful
ideas for sharing your pro-life
perspective:
April / MAy 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 31

FAITH & INSPIRATION / PRO-LIFE CONVERSATIONS
Questions that
offer empathy
Instead of rushing headlong into a
debate, try responding to proabortion
arguments with a question.
That’s the advice of Abby Johnson, a
former Planned Parenthood clinic
director who has become a vocal
pro-life advocate. As someone who
has been on both sides of the issue,
Johnson has proven insights on how
to converse with someone who is
pro-abortion.
“When you look through Scripture
and the apostles would ask Jesus a
question, He would respond with a
question,” Johnson says. “It had to be
super annoying to them at the time.
But it is a good lesson for all of us.”
Some of the questions that
Johnson suggests include:
• Why do you support abortion?
• Why do you support Planned
Parenthood?
• Do you have a personal story; is it
something you can share with me?
These questions are designed to
find out why your family member or
friend supports abortion, which is a
critical component to help guide your
conversation. Abortion is a deeply
delicate and even painful issue, and
often the reason that people support
abortion is because of their
own experience or the experience of
someone close to them.
According to the Guttmacher
Institute, nearly one in four women
will have an abortion by age 45.
Sadly, the church is not exempt from
that statistic. Over 40% of women
who’ve had an abortion say they
were frequent churchgoers at the
time they ended their pregnancies, a
study by LifeWay Research shows.
When we talk about abortion, we
need to make sure we recognize the
complicated emotional and relational
situations that often lead a
woman to have an abortion. Some
women who’ve had an abortion were
in the midst of an abusive relationship;
others felt pressure from their
partners or families; and some were
in school and didn’t feel as though
they had any other option. The
decision doesn’t happen in a vacuum—there
are always mitigating
circumstances.
Understanding why someone supports
abortion can help us offer a
more grace-filled response. We can
express regret and sorrow about what
that person experienced, while also
acknowledging the innocence of the
preborn child and how that child is
also a victim. Just mentioning abortion
can dredge up painful memories
and situations, so it’s critical that
we approach any conversation with
empathy and understanding.
LISTEN NOW!
Scott Klusendorf offers more
insights on how to share your
pro-life views.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Radio
Questions that
challenge beliefs
As we seek to challenge the
pro-abortion perspective with
grace, a good place to start would
be to establish that a preborn baby
is indeed human. He or she isn’t
merely a blob of cells, but a person
with his or her own separate DNA.
If preborn babies are fully human,
doesn’t that make it wrong to kill
them?
Scott Klusendorf, president of Life
Training Institute, uses the acronym
SLED when talking about abortion
and the value of life at all stages.
This acronym provides questions
that you can ask your friends or
family members to encourage them
to think differently about who is or
isn’t human:
Size—Is a person’s life more valuable
based on his or her size? For
example, a grown adult is much
bigger than a 6-year-old child.
32
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / May 2020

Do we value bigger humans over
smaller ones?
Level of development—Every
human life starts as an embryo, and
we grow into preborn babies, newborns,
toddlers, children, teenagers
and adults. Why should our level of
development dictate our value as
human beings? Are babies not really
human beings until they can speak
or walk? This can also be a slippery
slope when it comes to individuals
with disabilities or people with
Alzheimer’s. Do we devalue their
life because their mental capacity is
more limited?
Environment—Does our location
dictate our value? The passage
down the birth canal is only about
8 inches. Does that really make all
the difference? Of course not, so
the passage from the womb to the
outside world shouldn’t make any
difference in the value of a human
life.
Degree of dependency—Newborn
babies cannot do anything for themselves,
so are their lives worthless? I
think most would agree that they’re
not. What about diabetics who need
insulin or cancer patients who need
chemotherapy? Are their lives less
valuable because they need medical
assistance to survive? The answer
should be a resounding no.
An ongoing dialogue
Your conversation with a proabortion
friend or relative could
have immediate results, but more
than likely, it will be the beginning
of a longer discussion that could last
for years. As long as the lines of communication
are open, there’s always
an opportunity to share truth. You
never know how the Lord is working
in the heart of your friend or family
member.
In 2 Timothy 2:24-26, the apostle
Paul exhorts, “The Lord’s servant
must not be quarrelsome but kind
to everyone, able to teach, patiently
enduring evil, correcting his opponents
with gentleness. God may
perhaps grant them repentance
leading to a knowledge of the truth,
and they may come to their senses
and escape from the snare of the
devil, after being captured by him to
do his will.”
There’s always risk when engaging
with an emotionally loaded topic
like abortion, and there’s no guarantee
where the conversation will
go, but it’s still important to share
your pro-life perspective with your
friends and family members. It may
cause divisions, but to not share
your beliefs could mean that lies
about abortion still have a hold on
their hearts and lives. Keep speaking
about the value of life in the womb
with grace and truth. •
Brittany Raymer is a culture and policy analyst
for <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family’s The Daily Citizen.
April / May 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 33

FAITH & INSPIRATION / FOR HER
a taste of faith
Share the love of God with your children
around the family table
BY SHERI ROSE SHEPHERD
WHEN I WAS RAISING MY
SON, Jake, I wanted him to have
faith in God, and I feared I wouldn’t
be able to successfully pass that faith
on to him. I realize now that faith
is not something that can be given
away. Rather, when we parents talk
daily about God and live a life of faith,
our children will come to crave intimacy
with God.
Jesus said that He wants little children
to come to Him (Matthew 19:14).
In Deuteronomy 6:7 we’re shown how
to pass along spiritual truths to our
children. This passage tells parents to
add spiritual teaching to everyday life.
One way to do this is to initiate
faith talk while eating meals together
as a family, which satisfies both
your child’s body and soul. Try these
three ideas to share the love of God
with your children around the family
table:
Let your children pray
If your children are toddlers, say
the mealtime prayer one line at a
time and let them repeat it after you.
Encourage them to talk with our
heavenly Father about everything
through prayer. If your children are
older, encourage them to take turns
praying aloud before the meal. When
their prayers have been answered,
remind your children about God’s
faithfulness so you can rejoice
together.
Read a Bible story after
meals
An easy way to instill faith knowledge
is to store Bible storybooks in the
kitchen where kids can reach them. If
you have more than one child, rotate
who picks the story to read after a
meal. Once you have read the story, sit
for a moment and let your kids share
what they learned from the story. As
children get older, graduate from picture
books to storybooks to the Bible.
Clean and worship in the
kitchen
You can make meal cleanup more
fun through worship. Once you’re
done with dinner and story time, play
upbeat kids’ worship songs and
transform cleaning into a time of
praise. Complaining diminishes when
kids sing to worship music. Suddenly
cleaning up becomes less of a chore.
Now my son is raising his own
child, and I’m seeing the faith traditions
being passed on to the next
generation—one meal at a time. •
Sheri rose Shepherd is a speaker and the
author of the “Adventures With the King” book
series for children.
HIS MIGHTY WARRIOR
NEW
BY
ShERi RoSE
ShEPhERd
ILLUSTRATED BY
JeNNiFEr ZiVOiN
FROM FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
ADVENTURES WITH
THE KING
This delightful picture book series will charm
children ages 4 to 8 while helping them
understand their identity in God. Each book
conveys a single biblical principle in a fun way
and ends with an applicable scripture verse.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Store
STOCKSY.COM / VAN GENER
34
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / MAy 2020

Kids & Teens
How to respond to your
kids’ intense emotions
BY DR. TODD CARTMELL
FOTF / BRIAN MELLEMA

KIDS & TEENS / EMOTIONAL CONTROL
IMAGINE A QUIET LITTLE
TOWN IN THE OLD WEST.
The townsfolk are busy at their daily
affairs. Kids are playing outside the
schoolhouse. Ranchers are hauling
supplies. The stagecoach driver is
loading suitcases. A few puffy clouds
float in the clear sky.
But then someone cries out, “The
Daltons are coming!” Suddenly the
atmosphere of the town changes.
The Daltons. Their reputation precedes
them. People scurry to safety.
Store owners close their doors and
peek out through the curtains.
That may seem like a scene from
an old black-and-white film, but
something similar plays out every
day in families across the world.
When a child gets angry, anxious or
fearful—and reacts in negative or
even destructive ways—it can feel
like a totally different person has
arrived. And parents can’t just hide
from these unwelcome guests.
Most kids are still learning to
control their emotions, and sometimes
challenging moments feel
overwhelming. They can’t find their
soccer cleats. Anywhere. They can’t
play a video game as long as they
want. They get mad about something
that happened at school that
day.
Thankfully, your kids are not left
helplessly to the whims of their
inner Dalton. In fact, with your guidance
and practice, they can learn
to control their emotions. Here are
three steps for helping your children
regain the upper hand when intense
emotions threaten to spiral out of
control.
1. Recognize the
root emotions
Our kids’ emotions are sometimes
like a pleasant soundtrack to a
wonderful day. Other times, those
emotions are a tsunami that overwhelms
kids and short-circuits their
thinking. When that happens, they
often end up frustrated, angrily
saying and doing things that only
serve to make the situation worse.
So the first step is to help our kids
recognize the source of these emotions,
to give them a name. Are they
sad about a friend’s comments?
Fearful about a situation at school?
Anxious about an upcoming challenge?
There are levels of severity
for these feelings, and it is helpful
to teach your kids to use words that
communicate exactly what they are
experiencing.
Here are three negative-feeling
categories with terms to help describe
their intensity from lowest to greatest:
Sad: disappointed, discouraged,
down, sad, depressed
Anxious: shy, worried, nervous,
overwhelmed, scared
Mad: annoyed, frustrated, mad,
angry, furious
Share these categories with your
kids. You can use other descriptive
words or place the words in a slightly
36
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / MAy 2020

different order, whatever works with
your family. The important point is
to help your kids learn to be aware
of their feelings, to develop a vocabulary
for communicating those
feelings in a clear and accurate way.
Encourage your kids to use specific
words for their feelings and to clearly
describe and define the situation
that is distressing them. Identifying
what is causing emotional turbulence
is the first step toward helping
them have a healthy response to
those emotions.
2. Redirect toward
a positive response
Once your children are aware of their
feelings and can put a name to them,
they have the power to move those
feelings in a healthy direction. Strong
feelings don’t have to result in words
and actions that are unhealthy or
unproductive, such as lashing out in
ways kids may later regret. Having
alternatives for responding to strong
feelings can help our kids better control
their emotions.
The following options can allow
kids to work through their feelings in
healthy ways:
• Talking with parents, siblings,
friends, teachers, school
counselors.
• Lying down and closing their
eyes or taking a break in a quiet
spot (such as their room or a
comfy couch).
• Asking God to help them calm
down, and then thinking about a
favorite or relevant Bible verse.
• Doing a relaxing activity (coloring,
tossing a ball, building with
LEGOs, reading, playing with a
pet).
The goal here is to interrupt the
surge of emotions by changing location
or focusing on a positive or
even just a neutral activity. (Notice
that these alternate responses won’t
cause the problem to get worse.)
If your children are not ready to
talk to another person in a productive
way, they can at least make the effort
to calm down. Sometimes, just taking
deep, slow breaths is enough to deter
a negative response. Once they have
allowed their emotions to settle down,
they can take the next step.
3. Rethink the
difficult scenario
This is the key step in the process.
Emotions are the products not just
of situations, but of how your kids
see those situations, their perception
of them. Brains are high-speed processing
machines, so it’s possible for
inaccurate or incomplete thoughts
about a circumstance to slip past
your kids’ radars and impact their
emotions negatively. False perceptions
rarely lead to positive emotions.
We always want our kids thinking
things that are true. They’ll initially
need help in learning to rethink, but
they can eventually learn to do this
more independently. So once your
child has calmed down, guide him in
rethinking about the situation that
is stressing him out. There are two
parts to this.
Identify your thoughts. This
means to have kids state exactly
what they are thinking and how
they are viewing a situation. Your
child could be thinking: I’m the
worst player on the team; I’m ugly;
I have the lowest score in math; I’ll
never finish in time, or other skewed
thoughts. Help your child identify
these thoughts and state them out
loud.
Examine your thoughts. If something
is true, there will be plenty of
evidence to support it. And false
perceptions will have little to support
them. One key is to help your
kids notice extreme words, which
are rarely based in truth. >>>
Introducing a new video
series created by parenting
and youth experts at <strong>Focus</strong>
on the Family. Launch Into
the Teen Years will get you
and your preteen talking
about how to make great
decisions and soar with
confidence through these
crucial years.
© 2019, <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family

KIDS & TEENS / EMOTIONAL CONTROL
“I’m always ____.” “I’m never ______.”
“I’m the worst at ____.”
Here are some questions you can
use to help your kids examine their
thoughts.
• Is there any evidence that this is
true?
• What are some basic facts about
this topic?
• Do other kids ever go through
something like this?
• Are your expectations realistic?
• Is it possible for this situation to
ever change or improve?
• What steps can you take to change
or improve this situation?
Practice emotional
self-control
Tell your kids that everyone experiences
strong emotions. It’s important
to learn how to handle them in a
smart, respectful way. Just like practicing
math problems, sports or a
musical instrument to improve their
skills, your kids can also practice a
good plan for handling strong emotions.
Here’s how you can customize
this process for your kids:
Recognize: Review with your kids
a few basic feeling categories (happy,
sad, anxious, mad) and have them
give some feeling words in the same
category, identifying which ones are
of greater and lesser intensity.
Redirect: Now make a list together
of healthy ways to calm down when
emotions flood our brains. Reflect
on this list, and let your kids choose
which ideas they think will work
best for them. Brainstorm together
the logistics of how your kids will
use these ideas when they feel overwhelmed
or distressed, where they
need to go, who they can talk to, and
so on. Then discuss how these ideas
will help them respond better to
strong emotions.
Rethink: Have your kids make
up some difficult situations (such
as losing a sports game or doing
poorly on a test) and then identify
ways of thinking about those circumstances
that sound either true or
not true. If it is true, ask your kids to
explain why they believe it is true. If
it is not true, encourage them to say
why that thought doesn’t sound true.
Here’s an example:
Situation: I forgot to turn in my
homework, so now it is late. This
rarely happens, but this was a big
and important assignment.
False thoughts: My teacher thinks
I’m lazy. This late assignment will
wreck my grade. Everyone else turned
it in on time. I should never turn
things in late. Now I can’t get an A in
the class.
True thoughts: Everyone makes
mistakes. It was an accident. I can
turn it in tomorrow. My teacher
knows I’m a good student. One late
assignment won’t really hurt my
grade.
As your kids learn to recognize,
redirect and rethink their responses
to difficult situations, they will be
better able to handle their emotions
and make wise decisions that reflect
a maturing and godly character. •
Dr. Todd Cartmell is a child psychologist in
Wheaton, illinois, and the author of 8 Simple
Tools for Raising Great Kids.
38
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / MAy 2020

CONVERSATION / KIDS & TEENS
conversation:
it does a
brain good
5 tools to help you
create an environment
of healthy dialogue
with your kids
BY DANNY HUERTA
ISTOCK.COM / HARTCREATIONS ; ISTOCK.COM / PROSTOCK-STUDIO
MOST PARENTS want their
children to succeed—in school, in
work, in their various extracurricular
activities. And there’s an oftenoverwhelming
number of tips and
products available to help parents
toward that goal. But we often overlook
one of the most effective tools
for enhancing a child’s brain development.
It’s simple. It’s inexpensive.
It’s even enjoyable. And you have
this tool at your disposal right now.
That tool is conversation.
We’ve long known that speaking
to your children is good for them
developmentally. The more words
a child hears, the better his or her
brain development and language
skills will be, which contributes to
success in many areas of life. But
there’s more to this story: Recent
research from Harvard, MIT and the
University of Pennsylvania shows
that a child’s brain develops best
through regular, back-and-forth
exchanges of ideas. In the study,
children who engaged in regular
conversations with parents showed
significant enhancement in the
language processing areas of their
brains.
Our culture of endless distractions
and demands can make regular, twoway
conversation difficult. But your
kids’ healthy development may very
well depend on your ability to minimize
such distractions, to switch off
the screens and connect with your
children. Here are five tools to help
you nurture an environment of conversation
with your kids:
Time. Be intentional, scheduling
one-on-one time, especially if
you have multiple kids. But many
of the best conversations happen
in the margins of life. So use every
opportunity to chat: in the car, at
the dinner table, at bedtime. Walks,
bike rides and standing in line
at the store are all good times for
conversations.
Discovery. Learn about your children’s
interests and help them learn
more about you. Give the “quiet”
kids opportunities to be known.
Sometimes they become more talkative
when they feel someone is truly
interested in what they have to say.
Encourage them to talk about things
they like or things that relate to what
they’re learning in school.
Listen. This takes effort and
intentionality. I’m not always
the best at listening, so when my
thoughts begin to wander, I need to
visualize myself pressing a mental
pause button in order to enter their
world.
Question. While too many questions
feel like an interrogation,
authentic interaction and questions
convey genuine interest, as do eye
contact and other nonverbal cues.
Remember. Children feel
valued when you remember things
they’ve said, and they’ll start to see
conversation with you as memorable
and enjoyable. And that’s a gift with
lasting impact. •
Danny Huerta is vice president of parenting
and youth at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family.
April / MAy 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 39

KIDS & TEENS / TEENS
PARENTING ISN’T
PAINT-BY-NuMBER
Discover how each child
is a masterpiece, uniquely
created by God
BY CONNIE ALBERS
ISTOCK.COM / KATE_SEPT2004
40
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / MAy 2020

TEENS / KIDS & TEENS
“YOU WANT to paint a mural in
your room?”
When my daughter Jeannie was on
the cusp of her teen years, she asked
if she could paint a “masterpiece” on
her bedroom wall. A big undertaking
for an inexperienced artist, but she
seemed ready to tackle it. I agreed to
the idea, and she started sketching
out plans while I made lunch.
But the project made me a little
nervous. Would she finish? What
about my carpet and my nicely
painted walls? And why wouldn’t she
let me in her room to see how it was
going?
Jeannie worked late into the night.
The next morning, she had me close
my eyes as she led me into her room.
I opened my eyes to see my daughter’s
amazing work—it was perhaps
the first time I truly noticed her
maturing talent as an artist.
I learned a little something about
parenting watching Jeannie tweak
her masterpiece. My daughter didn’t
immediately get the results she
desired. The basics were all there, but
there was still much work to be done.
She had to mix colors, paint, wait
for it to dry, and then add additional
touches here and there until it was
finished.
Raising future adults requires
similar, ongoing attention. As our
kids enter the teen years, we’ve
already put many of the parenting
basics in place. We’ve established
acceptable behavior, taught truth,
nurtured their faith and character,
helped them learn various life
skills. But the mural of who they
are becoming isn’t finished, and
our role as parents is changing.
Our teens need space to discover
lessons on their own. As parents, we
begin the transition from managing
their daily tasks and schedules to
being more of a guide, helping them
navigate a challenging season of
growth and maturity so they have
the confidence to make decisions on
their own.
It’s a process that requires ongoing
observation and intentionality, learning
a child’s personality, temperament,
gifts and strengths. Indeed, discovering
how God uniquely created each child
gives us a clearer understanding of
how to parent them.
Don’t be ruled by rules
Enforcing boundaries is a necessary
part of parenting. But as kids transition
into the teen years, we can
too easily become bound up by our
boundaries. There are many reasons
we cling to our rules: We don’t want
our child to mess up; we want to be
fair to every child; we want to maintain
some control over the chaos of
family life.
All of these are valid concerns, but
we must not forget we are raising
unique individuals who will all too
soon be trying to establish rules for
themselves. I’ve seen too many families
suffer broken relationships at the
hand of unbending rules.
Every child is a masterpiece—an
original masterpiece. There are no
replicas. So it only makes sense that
we should carefully tailor our parenting
as we help our child become
the masterpiece he or she was created
to be.
Children who demonstrate maturity
can be given more freedom than
children who struggle to carry out
their parents’ instructions. Some
children need more parental time
or more detailed training. Other
children are hard to keep up with
because they are maturing quickly.
When we avoid a paint-by-number
approach, our children are free to
grow up at a pace they can handle.
By not allowing our rules, limits and
boundaries to rule us, we lower the
risk of ruining the relationship.
LISTEN NOW!
Connie Albers explains how
LISTEN NOW!
parents can better connect with
Connie
their teenagers.
Albers explains
Hover
how
your
smartphone
parents can better
camera
connect
over the
with
QR
code to
their
listen
teenagers.
to this broadcast.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/Albers
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Radio
Discern motivation
One night after hosting a Bible study
for teens, I asked a couple of my children
to clean up the kitchen before
going to bed. They nodded in agreement,
so I focused on other things.
The next morning, I walked into the
kitchen only to see the sink full of
dirty cups and plates.
Why didn’t they do what I asked
them to do?
After breakfast, I inquired why
the dishes hadn’t been done. They
responded with an immediate apology
and began telling me how some of
the kids wanted to stay late to talk
about personal struggles. By the time
they had all finished the conversation,
my kids had forgotten about cleaning
the kitchen.
Had I reacted before asking, I would
have missed the opportunity to listen
to them talk about their conversation.
If we’re going to discern teens’ motives,
it’s important to listen so our children
feel heard and respected. When we are
slow to speak and quick to hear, our
kids learn to trust us with their ideas
and dreams and even mistakes.
Parents are the primary influencers
in their child’s life. How will you
nurture him or her as a unique individual?
One day when looking back,
you’ll see how a willingness to parent
the masterpieces that God has created
yields rich relationships that last
long after your kids have left home. •
Connie Albers is a national speaker and the
author of Parenting Beyond the Rules.
April / MAy 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 41

The Hope Restored
marriage intensive program
A proven, biblically based program to restore
and rebuild your marriage.
“Game changer!! We have become more in love since
Hope Restored. It’s a wonderful feeling when you have tools to help
navigate through difficult conversations and feel safe enough to fall in love
with your best friend all over again! We so appreciate all we learned and all
of what <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family did for our relationship and marriage!”
— hope restored attendee
if you or someone you know is facing significant
marital distress, call us. we want to help.
1.833.999.HOPE (4673) | HOPERESTOREDCANADA.CA

SPECIAL NEEDS / kids & teens
surviving a big move
Helpful tips for preparing your child with
special needs to transition with less anxiety
BY JULIE E. HOLMQUIST
WHEN A NEW JOB meant relocating our
family across the country, we knew we needed to
prepare our son Andrew, who has autism and often
struggles with change.
There’s no way around it—change is difficult. For
some children with special needs, however, change
can trigger higher-than-normal stress levels and
increased anxiety. We want to teach our kids that
sometimes God asks us to do uncomfortable
things, but He can be trusted during those times.
Fortunately, there are some smart strategies you
can use before, during and after your move to help
your child experience a smoother transition.
Before the move
Announce what’s happening. Let your child know
far enough in advance to allow him to warm up
to the idea. As soon as you know the moving
date, circle it on a calendar so he can see the day
approaching.
Leave one room untouched as long as possible.
When my son grew anxious with all the boxes and
upheaval throughout the house, he knew he
could always retreat to the familiarity of his room,
which we didn’t pack up until the very end.
Create two photo albums. One album includes
familiar places, people and things. The other
contains the exciting new places, people and
things your child can look forward to experiencing.
Look over these photos as often as possible and
talk about the good things the move will bring.
During the move
Allow extra time for the unexpected. Even though
you probably want to just get there, try to create a
cushion for plenty of breaks along the way.
Create a daily schedule. Each morning, pray
with your child and discuss the general schedule
so he or she knows what to expect for that day’s
journey.
Keep your child’s favorites within arm’s reach.
When Andrew asks lots of questions, I know he is
getting anxious. Given a favorite stuffed animal, he
is able to relax more easily.
After the move
Visit the places from the photo album. Point out
the new school, landmarks, parks and so on.
Communicate via video with familiar people
shortly after you arrive. Our family is intentional
about maintaining relationships with key people,
including one of Andrew’s former teachers,
through Facetime.
As much as we want to shield our kids with special
needs from the stress of a family move, there’s no
way to avoid it entirely. That’s why it’s best to have
a plan. •
Julie E. Holmquist is a freelance writer. She and her husband
have four sons.
STOCKSY.COM / MAAHOO STUDIO
April / May 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 43

KIDS & TEENS / BLENDED FAMILY
blending lessons
Help extended family welcome and include your stepkids
BY DIANE STARK / ILLUSTRATION BY AYANG CEMPAKA
“I DON’T WANT TO GO TO
GRANDMA’S HOUSE,” my
stepdaughter, Lea, said. “No one
talks to me there. I don’t think your
family likes me.”
“Of course they do, honey,” I told
her. “Your dad and I haven’t been
married that long, so they’re still
getting to know you.”
Lea shrugged. “How can they be
getting to know me when they don’t
ever talk to me?”
That’s when I knew I needed to
intervene between my family and
my stepchildren.
In many blended families, the
aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents
already have a relationship with
the biological children and may pay
more attention to them and inadvertently
exclude stepkids. In blending
our family, my husband, Eric, and
I experienced this from both sides.
While the adults in Eric’s family
immediately accepted my children,
my extended family didn’t always
welcome his children as openly as
we had hoped. However, the children
in Eric’s large, close-knit family
took longer to adjust. His nieces
and nephews were so used to playing
together with his bio kids at family
gatherings that they didn’t always
make room for my biological
children.
Eric and I needed to help our
extended families bond with the
children we’d brought into the family.
Here’s what we did:

New for
PRODuCTS & RESOuRCES
Your generosity helps us develop life-changing,
faith-based resources. Please consider including
parenting
a donation with your purchase.
We sent conversation starters ahead of time.
My extended family wanted to include my stepchildren,
but because they were geographically
far away, they didn’t really know them. It helped
to send an email to my parents and siblings prior
to family gatherings, filling them in on my stepchildren’s
grade, interests and activities. For
example, letting extended family know that my
stepdaughter had stopped taking dance class
and had started playing volleyball made it easier
for my family to talk with her and make her feel
comfortable.
We included them in traditions. Sometimes it
takes awhile for extended family to understand
how to best make new family members feel welcome.
When that happens, it’s OK to fill in those
voids until people get to know one another better.
For example, my mom goes out of her way to
prepare everyone’s favorite food at family gettogethers.
I didn’t want to make extra work for
her, so as my contribution to the meal, I brought
my stepkids’ favorite foods. This made them feel
accepted. Eventually my mom asked the kids what
they liked and started making those foods, too.
Her thoughtfulness meant a lot to my stepkids.
Making sure to include my stepkids in my family’s
traditions took some planning, but right away
it made them feel like part of the family.
We made room for everyone. Before going to
family gatherings, we reminded our kids to make
sure that no one was left out. We explained that
going to visit the new stepparent’s extended family
was like being the new kid in school. “This is the
family you’ve grown up with, but it’s not the same
for your stepsiblings,” we told them. “Help them
feel comfortable and include them when you play.”
To help the kids play together, we brought games
that could accommodate many players so no one
would be left out. Craft activities were great for
including everyone, too. And water balloons were
always a hit.
Our extended families wanted to support our
new marriage and blended family. They just needed
a little help getting there. •
Diane Stark is a freelance writer from indiana who writes about
family and faith.
NEW
NEW
NEW
ages 9 to 12
RECONNECTED
By Dr. GrEG & EriN SMAllEy
When daily interactions between a
husband and wife are drowned out
by the endless grind of work, chores,
errands and car pool, even the most
committed couple can feel like they’re
living parallel lives. The Smalleys offer
ways to rekindle the passionate, intimate,
heart-to-heart spark of connection
between you and your spouse.
IMAGINATION STATION NO. 25
POISON AT THE PUMP
By CHriS BrACK & SHEilA SEiFErT
Cousins Beth and patrick travel back in
time to 1854 london during a cholera
epidemic. They meet Dr. John Snow,
Florence Nightingale and Curate
Henry Whitehead and team up to
figure out why the disease is killing
people. Can the cousins help put
together the clues to keep the disease
from spreading before it’s too late?
Is puberty on the horizon? Relax! The
Launch Into the Teen Years Kit helps you
confidently talk to your child about:
• what to expect NO SUCH at puberty THING AS CAN’T
• God’s design
By liSA
for
SEXTON
sex
& Dr. TylEr SEXTON
Tyler, a medical doctor who suffers from
• boy-girl relationships
cerebral palsy, has become a role model
• peer pressure for others and facing more. adversity, including his
patients. Through his faith and his gifts
as a doctor, he helps children and gives
them hope. you’ll be encouraged by
Download six videos to watch with
this true story of determination and the
your child, then launch discussions
strength of Christ.
using the parent’s guide and a journal
for your preteen.
Find these and other great products at
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/MagazineOffers.
Order online at
Shop.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca
or call 1.800.661.9800
April / MAy 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 45

KIDS & TEENS / MY THRIVING FAMILY
Briana, 5, and Penelope, 4
My girls love participating in our
neighborhood's annual Easter
egg hunt!
—Kimberly from Texas
EASTER
EGG
HuNT
Emerson, 3, and Harlow, 2
Easter egg hunting at
Grandma’s house!
—Rachel from Colorado
Nolan, 6 months, and Cody, 3
Our kids just love taking turns
wearing these bunny ears during
our egg hunts!
—Tara from South Dakota
Your kids could be in
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family magazine!
Email photos* of your child making mud pies or blowing bubbles.
Put put “mud pies” or “blowing bubbles” in the subject line.
Send to: <strong>Focus</strong>Magazine@family.org
info@fotf.ca
*Largest largest photo possible—professional photos not accepted
46
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / MAy 2020

Thrive
in every stage of parenting
The days are full when you’re a
young mom! Find spiritual renewal
for your soul by drawing delightful
lessons from your own little
ones – observing their trust, joy,
boldness and more, so you can
grasp how dearly God loves you.
Equip your kids for the challenges
of real life! This advice from a
pediatrician and a child psychologist
helps you raise your kids to be
confident and capable, and to have
mature attitudes toward discipline,
disappointment and more.
Mom, is your teen nearing the end
of high school? Here’s wisdom to
help you confidently move your
teen toward independence and
responsibility, so they’ll be ready
for the challenges of university or
of living on their own.
order online at shop.focusonthefamily.ca or call 1.800.661.9800

Shop with confidence
at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family Canada
Today there are many ways to shop for
faith-building resources for your family. And
yet, when you consider purchasing an item,
the same questions resurface:
Is the author offering a biblically based perspective?
Would a counsellor consider it sound advice?
Will the content engage your kids?
When you shop at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family
Canada, you can be sure about the resources
we’re offering.
We stand behind every item we sell, because
each one has been reviewed and approved
by our staff for excellent content that’s in
line with God’s Word.
Shop online at Shop.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca or shop by phone at 1.800.661.9800