Focus on the Family Magazine - April/May 2022

COUPLES / CONFLICT
Arguments
Don’t Have to
Tear You Apart
Confl ict can lead you toward
a deeper marriage connection
BY NICOLE UNICE
ILLUSTRATIONS BY WU HE PING
MY HUSBAND AND I knew we
were too upset for a conversation—but
we had it anyway. What started as a
tense volley of one-liners devolved into
a yelling match and then the ice-cold
silence that often follows our heated
exchanges. By the end of the evening,
we were both exhausted from the tension
and frustrated by our inability to
communicate.
I wish I could say this exchange
happened ages ago. But it didn’t. It
happened last year.
I’ve spent most of my adult life
engaging in the dynamics of relationships—what
works, what doesn’t
and how we move past the hurt into
places of vulnerability, connection
and love. Though I’m a “professional”
relationship person, I still find myself
in frustrating situations with my
husband in which we both feel misunderstood,
unseen and disrespected.
But what made this conflict different
from others in the past is that we
allowed it to lead us toward, rather
than away from, deeper places of connection
and love.
Most of us have experienced
moments of conflict. We try to communicate
our needs or desires to each
other and end up feeling misunderstood,
or even worse, dismissed. Our
natural reaction is to blow up, shut up
or give up. But there is another way. It’s
not about never having a disagreement
or conflict with your spouse; it’s about
what you do after it happens.
Growing closer
after the fight
The moment after the irritated, raised
voices or cold silence is when we recognize
that we’ve misunderstood each
other. What we do next is an opportunity
to either let the argument drive
us apart or bring us together. To grow
closer through conflict, we need some
new tools in our relationship toolbox.
According to Dr. John Gottman,
a marriage therapist, author and
researcher, only 30% of problems that
couples face are solvable. Perhaps
that’s why we rarely focus on the real,
unsolvable problem when we argue.
I might feel frustrated because my
spouse always seems to be on his cellphone
when we’re talking. But the
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FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
APRIL / MAY 2022