Focus on the Family Magazine - April/May 2022

COUPLES / CONFLICT
But beyond the behaviors, Debbie was
frustrated that Mike tended to dismiss
her ideas and then respond defensively
when she tried to bring it up. Mike was
frustrated that Debbie tended to withdraw
and go silent whenever he wanted
to “have it out.”
To move past the behavior, they
needed to have deeper conversations
about how their behavior, such
as squabbling over weekend plans,
led to feelings of frustration and disappointment,
and how each person
was interpreting those feelings. These
moments would happen only when
Mike (or Debbie) could honestly say,
“When we talked about weekend plans,
I felt frustrated that you walked away.
I interpreted that to mean that you
didn’t care or didn’t want to spend time
with me. Can you help me understand
your perspective?”
Connecting through
compromise
Conflict feels most threatening when
we lose connection. When we disagree
and then distance from each other, fear
and insecurity rise to the surface. We
tend to protect ourselves by blaming,
guarding or acquiescing without really
working through the conflict. But when
we maintain connection, we are often
able to compromise on behaviors to
unite with love.
Closer connection happens when
we let down our guard and validate the
other’s experience. This doesn’t necessarily
mean apologizing, although
sometimes it does. Validating means
seeking to understand the other person’s
perspective and choose empathy
that says, “I can see how you would feel
that way” or “Now that I hear your side,
I can see how that would be difficult/
frustrating/disappointing.” Validation
is the willingness to leave our corner
and say, “I’m open to viewing this
differently.”
Another way we move from defensiveness
toward connection is by
conveying commitment. Conveying
commitment can be as simple as saying,
“I’m on your team” or “I’m committed
to us, and I want to work through this.”
When we convey commitment, we
soothe any fears (even irrational ones)
the other person may have about conflict
fracturing the relationship.
Compromise without connection
feels like losing. Compromise with
connection feels like love. This kind of
intimacy happens when we choose to
seek understanding, move past behaviors
and stay connected even amid
conflict. When we’re connected, conflict
becomes less scary and love grows
deeper, one conversation at a time. •
*Names and details changed for confidentiality
Nicole Unice is an author, pastor, leadership
coach and podcast host who helps people
learn how to love one another. Her latest
book, The Miracle Moment, guides readers to
transform conflict into connection.