Focus on the Family Magazine - June/July 2023

COUPLES / COMMUNICATION
the tortoise and the shark
A marriage insight from <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family
international leadership
BY JOANNA KOH-HOE AS TOLD TO PAIGE ELLERMETS
MY HUSBAND, GARY, AND I ARE TOTAL
OPPOSITES. That’s particularly evident in our differing
conflict styles: He’s a tortoise, and I’m a shark.
Early on in our marriage, we realized that we must choose
to complement each other in the way we handle arguments.
Specifically, we set up two ground rules that we try to rely on
as we resolve disagreements:
Determine the when. Even though I prefer to address a
conflict right away, Gary needs time to process before getting
into the discussion. The more I push him, the more he withdraws.
Ultimately, we agreed that he gets to decide how much
time he needs before we talk about an issue. His commitment
is that we will not avoid it and we will talk about it before we
go to bed.
Decide on the how. Again, because I’m the more headstrong
personality, my tone can become an issue when
we have a disagreement. This second ground rule is an
understanding that if Gary mentions that the discussion is
becoming too intense, I will not take offense, but instead step
back so I don’t push him further into a corner.
We haven’t always practiced these ground rules perfectly.
There have been occasions when I failed to give Gary advance
notice of something I wanted to discuss. So we revisit the
ground rules often and recognize that when and how we talk
through our differences has been a large part of loving each
other well. •
Joanna Koh-Hoe is the CEO of <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family Singapore. She and
Gary have been married for 22 years.
JEFFREY TOH; GOOD GOODS-ADOBE STOCK; ATLANTIS-ADOBE STOCK
Gary and Joanna Koh-Hoe
CREDIT TK
6 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY CANADA JUNE / JULY 2023